Solivagus Posted September 8, 2003 Report Posted September 8, 2003 Are they the ramblings of Mad Heinrich, or do they make sense? Shattering Mask. Sometimes I feel I don't belong here, I want to go so far away, But something always holds me back, Forever telling me to stay. I long to lie in darkness, Have it wash over me, But there's the light that shines I wish that I was blind, it wouldn't make me see. I wear my mask of happiness, Hoping it will never break, Not a crack upon its skin, But how long will it take? See it start to crumble, When it shatters so will I, Then you'll see the real me, Hidden behind my wall of lies.
Solivagus Posted September 8, 2003 Author Report Posted September 8, 2003 (edited) Hide From Sleep Never want to sleep again, Because you haunt my dreams. I hide in my insomnia, I'll never rest it seems. Small distractions comfort me, Keep thoughts of you at bay. But sooner or later my mind will slip, Looks like you're here to stay. So weary of your persistence, There's nothing I can do. How much I wish to sleep again, But there's nothing I can do. Edited October 6, 2003 by Solivagus
Solivagus Posted September 8, 2003 Author Report Posted September 8, 2003 I Hurt Take me away from all those I hurt, Peel me away from this life I live. Set fire to my body and burn up all the lies, When I'm gone I'll have no pain to give. I always see that look in your eyes, You say it isn't there. It's that awful look of hatred, But I’m sure that you still care. I break everything I touch, Hurting everyone I know. No one leaves unhurt, At least that's what they tell me so. They love to watch me hurt who I love, They like to play games with my head. They laugh at the pain I seem to cause, I'm really just better off dead.
Peredhil Posted September 9, 2003 Report Posted September 9, 2003 sounds like unresolved trauma. Heinrich can run from problems and the associated pain, but unfortunately, whereever he goes, he takes himself with him. I have no wisdom or magic solution for Heinrich. I hope he finds the strength to work through his pain.
Solivagus Posted September 10, 2003 Author Report Posted September 10, 2003 My first attempt at a non-rhyming piece. More than any other so far, I wonder if this is truly poetry, or merely ramblings. Sickness took my soul and gave birth to my insanity Bent twisted in a burning agony, Feverish with a wish to die, A desire to end this torment, Surrounded in filth coated in slime, Living in my own self made hell, Torn from the living eaten from within, Leaking tendrils of corrupted sickness from my pores, Aching eyes red and swollen, Flaking skin cracked and oozing, Goblets of yellow fluid drip with stench, Great mounds of rupturing waste, Cover my body like unwashed sweat, Wracking coughs torture long abused lungs, Flies feast upon my wasteland, Maggots drill through my veins, Ugliness swims through my soul, My blood burns with disease, I feed upon my cracked teeth, Crunching and swallowing, Gums continuously bleed, And yet my heart ticks on, This is my tapestry to my withered existence, My misery leaks from my bloated shell, Covered in gangrenous sores, I exist yet wish and for an end, Pain rips through my bent frame, A pulsing wretchedness takes over, Emotions spew forth in a jumbled mass, Screaming gore splatters crusty walls, Madness seethes with tortured sorrow, I wished for death yet find only endless horror.
Solivagus Posted September 10, 2003 Author Report Posted September 10, 2003 Is self hate the same as self pity? Self Hate The days bring the smiles Whilst the nights bring the screams Every day the same trials Every night the same dreams Drowning in anger at the world Stunned by self hate Watching what's unfurled Myself I Berate Disgust, revulsion, shame I feel…when I see me Tired of this game I try to flee Knowing I can’t trust Therefore I cannot love Though I feel this is not unjust I curse those from above Desiring a soul mate To be loved by one Is something I learned to hate For me, it cannot be done The mask begins to fade And I die inside As I cut I feel betrayed As my feelings collide
Solivagus Posted September 10, 2003 Author Report Posted September 10, 2003 Too late When I'm gone will you even care or will you even realize that I’m not even there? When I’m gone, You will regret everything you said, And I hope you live in pain, Once you hear that I am dead. Pull the rope tight, Let go and let me swing, And notice that to you, My life didn't mean a thing. So there I will hang, With no movement left to share, Will you notice something, When tomorrow I’m not there? So, you got what you wanted, You chose my own fate. Oh, so now you want to help me... Well, I’m sorry, you're TOO LATE!
Ayshela Posted September 10, 2003 Report Posted September 10, 2003 bar the last line of "Hide from Sleep" you could have taken the thoughts from my head. <_ i think you wrote it better than would have though.> Self hate - mmm. don't know what to tell you, here. i can but sit and read and nod gently.. but no, self-hate is not the same as self-pity. Self-hate is based for too much in anger to be at all closely related to pity. *hugs*
Solivagus Posted September 12, 2003 Author Report Posted September 12, 2003 My attempt to capture how much I DESPISE Psychiatrists Psychiatrist The soft green cushions, With teeth sharp and long. Where I'll rest my head, And realize I'm wrong. Your voice is raspy, And sounds far away. The teeth have locked on, Forcing me to stay. Swirls of thoughts twisting, And unleashing truth. Finally describing, My troublesome youth. Demons I'm seeing, Escape from my brain. So now I feel cured, Yet I'm still 'insane.' I'm suffocating now, In this world I know. I can't be normal, Can't go with 'the flow.' I scribble down words, And I try to rhyme. In an old notebook, to free my trapped mind. Its like an escape, For my mind and soul. This is what cures me, And makes me feel whole. Until I return, To the sharp white teeth. And I spew forth dreams, To this high priced thief.
Solivagus Posted September 12, 2003 Author Report Posted September 12, 2003 There's a whole other person, Living inside my soul. He won't come out, Unless I'm losing control. When I can't handle life, He rips himself away. He takes hold, But not all the way. I still feel pain, I still feel sorrow. Then he just goes away, But he may be back tomorrow. I've tried to suppress him, I've tried to stop his onslaught. Nothing seems to work, No matter how hard I've fought. He keeps coming back, Stronger than ever. I'm losing the battle, But I can't stop, never! He hasn't been out in a while, When's the next outbreak. It's going to happen sometime, How long's it going to take?
Solivagus Posted October 5, 2003 Author Report Posted October 5, 2003 They were talking about vampires in mIRC... They’ll overpower you Rip and devour you Feed on your life and Live from your death They’ll sip your blood A vampire’s wine Tear you open To see what’s inside Sink in their teeth, Eat you raw and alive Their hunting call is your gasp of surprise Their feeding call is your desperate cry They’ll find you in the darkest nights Sink their teeth into your neck Eyes glowing with hell’s light Your bloody image they’ll reflect They’ll chase you down Let out a cry And push you down As they flash by They sink their claws Into your flesh You’ll feel only pain In their caress. You’ll scream and fight But it’s no use They’re too strong They overtake you You awake in the morning It must have been a dream You’re sweating and shaking It was so real it seemed So you sit up Get out of bed But later you’ll notice The new scar on your neck.
Solivagus Posted October 5, 2003 Author Report Posted October 5, 2003 A Dark Place I come from a dark place A stark and twisted inner space Full of terrors undefined That rend my soul and cloud my mind Where wraiths of things that used to be Come each night to torment me They gather in my darkened room To sneer and snigger in the gloom And I am forced to see again All the suffering and pain Of those I’ve driven to despair When all they ever did was care I come from a dark place Of endless fears I cannot face How I long to be at peace How I yearn for sweet release For a world of dark malignancy Has risen up to swallow me A desolate world of suffering Filled with dreadful whispering All hope dies as I descend Into darkness without end And though I scream there’s no one there No one left to know or care
Ayshela Posted October 5, 2003 Report Posted October 5, 2003 *nods* bar the last two lines of the first stanza, i agree wholeheartedly. *hugs*
Solivagus Posted October 6, 2003 Author Report Posted October 6, 2003 Darkness I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under I yell for help but no one is there to hear it I begin to see the water at eye level and I kick and flail fighting to stay above the darkness But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me and I slowly begin to give in to the feeling that lies below the water line the waters starts to fill my lungs the lungs that once held so much life yet now they allow the murky water to replace that I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness But why doesn't someone grab my hand pull me from darkness's grasp? because no one knows I stand at the boundary the boundary between light and dark so I give in to the thing that holds me All of the strength and all of the courage that I once held in my heart can't save me from the water So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness undetected by the occupants of that world I don't want to fight anymore I've given into darkness
Solivagus Posted October 6, 2003 Author Report Posted October 6, 2003 (edited) Something must be wrong with me. Something must be wrong with me with all this hurt inside, always bursting with anger, and never any pride. Something must be wrong with me if all I do is cry, I can't stop this pain all I want to do is die. Something must be wrong with me Something must be wrong with me if my emotions run wild, all this confusion does is make me feel like a lost child. Something must be wrong with me with all these terrible things, always there and never gone depression is what it brings. Something must be wrong with me if I can't stop these thoughts, all this pain does is turn my stomach in knots. Something must be wrong with me when I think there's only one way out, "Let this pain end," is all my heart will shout. Edited October 6, 2003 by Solivagus
Peredhil Posted October 6, 2003 Report Posted October 6, 2003 Quick note - I've been reading these build with something approaching envy. From the first post, to the last, I see an improvement as a writer. As to the last poem, I think a lot of people hold something similar inside - but you've expressed it well.
Parmenion Posted October 6, 2003 Report Posted October 6, 2003 Keep them coming - I'm thoroughly enjoying this little collection! As a reader I think I can really feel the emotion in your writing so you are definitely doing something right! Bravo!
Solivagus Posted October 6, 2003 Author Report Posted October 6, 2003 (edited) These poems are...forming would be the best word...in my mind, and I just write them down. There's no apparent rhyme scheme from what I see of them, but it doesn't seem right to change them. That make sense to anyone? Sure as hell doesn't make sense to me. Broken Will Dreaming in deceptions and living past some lies, lost amid the underbrush of hatred's evil eyes. Keeps you in the darkness, a place of all your fears, your destiny is broken, your debts now in arrears. Your dreams can tell the truth of all you cannot see, what there is now and all it may be. Trust in your sacred space and hide now from the day, sent to wreak the havoc you once had sent away. Chain free and risen so quickly now to take you from the edge, broken will and troubled mind your life it has been pledged. Head start to the forest break, be gone from light before the rain, shadows' witless fury, strangers' tresspass into pain. Caught up in a torrent to see a rainbow break the sky, find shelter past the tree line, the clouds are filled with lies. Rest there in your circle to take solace from the pain, they'll not find you in there, going transparently insane. The wind now roars its' discontent, the storm has blinded sight, wait here for the darknes to steal you in the night. Rock to sleep the spirit that finds no rest to date, here is where you've always been, no use to disrupt fate. All the lies distort the roadmap, the visions all so true, do not fear your space inside the circle, you've found it right on cue. Thunder ascends so loudly, no one to hear your cries, having lost a simple purpose, take in one last sigh. Edited October 6, 2003 by Solivagus
Solivagus Posted October 6, 2003 Author Report Posted October 6, 2003 I Am Alone My soul hides forbidden secrets My life hidden behind a shadow of laughter My pain cannot be seen I'd give up everything to feel happy again But that cannot happen I am left to fight my demons alone To cry alone To die alone These walls seem to close in No one is here to wipe away my tears I am alone Can anyone hear me cry? Why am I left to die? Please help me.... I need you more then ever All these years behind my own brick wall Never showing any feeling I'm ready to break this wall I cry out your name But only silence can be heard I am alone
Solivagus Posted October 6, 2003 Author Report Posted October 6, 2003 My mind...falling apart. My dad doesn't drink, my mum doesn't cry. I don't run from shadows, I don't pray. And yet...Ack! The writing's done. Judge it as you want. Drunk as a newt...oh dear. Rising Shadows Walking down a darkened street Streetlights casting lurid yellow pools of light I can see my house at the end of this street And I don’t want to go home tonight As I walk I glance to either side Praying I don’t see what I know I will A shadow under a mailbox starts to move And I hear a shriek somewhere, loud and shrill I turn around from the shadow I tell myself it’s not really there The shadow under the tree starts to stand I close my eyes, they can’t be there. I start to jog a little faster, I feel a presence right behind me I don’t want to go home, but my feet are running, something’s chasing me I tell myself don’t be stupid, you’re just paranoid, shadows aren’t alive But my feet won’t stop running, they just speed up, and I’m still scared for my life I sprint down the street out of the corners of my eyes, I see every shadow rise They glide after me in their smooth quick way, all black except white shining eyes I run faster than I ever have before, praying to make it home Behind me I hear them make demonic little sounds, I was captivated by the way their eyes shone. But I still keep running, until I reach our back glass door Dinner is on the table, my mom has been crying, her eyes look swollen red and sore I walk quickly in try to look as if nothing is wrong, my mother snaps where have you been? I was babysitting I lied, just down the street, but I quickly shut up when my father walked in. My dad has been drinking, he’s drunk as a newt, he asks what the hell is wrong with you? Stay out all night, keeping your mother so worried, what were we supposed to do? Look at your mother, she thought you were lost, she’s been crying her eyes out all night And look at you, I replied in anger, drunk as newt, you’re the reason I didn’t want to come home tonight Eat your dinner he told me with a shaking fist, we already ate ours a long time ago. I sat down and ate, until I looked out the door, and saw their white eyes looking at me through window I froze, dropped my fork with a clatter, and stared at them scratching the glass My mom said with a quivering voice, he’s drunk, I would never cry over your worthless hide. I just nodded my head not really hearing her, I saw one thing smile at me My mom couldn’t hear what I could hear, and she couldn’t see what I could see. I jumped out of my chair, ran into my room, my father yelling at me all the way I opened my door and there they were waiting, to devour me, a human entrée I screamed one last scream, heard my parents voice say to shut up, as the shadows let out a shriek They raced to me with their hands outstretched, and I was alone as they devoured me.
Solivagus Posted October 8, 2003 Author Report Posted October 8, 2003 The happy poem for Krista will just have to wait for a bit... I cut Again Tonight I cut again tonight I'm really not sure why As I sat here by myself I didn't feel alone or sad Or even that the world is bad I just felt blank and saw the knife Picked it up and cut six times Something must be there inside To make me do this nasty thing But what could it be? I can't believe I cut tonight The knife just seemed to go on its own I don't even remember feeling it at all But I can see it's done By the trickle of blood running down my side It makes me feel so empty Not painful not good not anything at all Is that right? Oh well, what's done is done I cannot change it now Although I wonder how many there are now Two hundred and fifty one? That must be it..
Solivagus Posted October 8, 2003 Author Report Posted October 8, 2003 Advice for a title of this one would be appreciated A soul in agony burning with deception, A heart wounded beyond redemption, A darkness shrouding the will to live, A sadness drowning out all hope, Why must I walk this endless path? Where my corrupted past drags me down, Into an abyss of self doubt and loathing, Where the hooks of fear are drawn taunt, And claws of hate trailing with infectious sickness, My mind is so clouded with indecision, Up a path that twists and turns, On hands and knees I struggle forward, Haunted by ugly feelings of rejection, Leaving a bloody trail behind where skin is rubbed raw, Sweat stains filthily unwashed uncaring, Looking for the easy way out, But finding only a hellish answer, Life is too hard, too unforgiving, The path is too steep, too coarse, My heart is too weak my resolve breaking, Only bloody tears drip from haggard cheeks, Blood shot eyes seeing more obstacles, I feel everything closing in, Such a claustrophobic reaction, Shivers rip through my weary frame, My gut clenches as my will folds, Collapsing from exhaustion and loss, With my last breath I scream out, I give up you win I can take it no more, Sobbing out with my last tears, My last word wrenches from a torn throat, My soul is finally yours.
Solivagus Posted October 8, 2003 Author Report Posted October 8, 2003 Loves Torment Love has been denied me An ashen face stares into a mirror Devoid of hope, filled with disgust I'm tearing at my heart So I won't have to feel There's blood in my hands, but I don't care I've fallen and I don't have the strength To rise I'm running away from love's grip Holding a cross and beating myself with it This depression is sharper than any razor I'm searching for myself amongst these ashes I'm floating away on the winds of tomorrow As I softly bleed searching for a Glimmer of happiness, of a sorrowless night To taste Love has been ripped from me Scars caused by vain intolerance Mar the youth of this world As a star falls in silent salutation Proclaiming its message of hope through despair I slump to the ground holding my bleeding self up As the morning emerges and I cry softly To myself Death leads me by the hand, Holds me in its loveless grip, Tastes my flesh, drinks my blood Death laughs her painful words of truth I look into her ebony eyes And raise my crystal goblet of blood and drink To Death
Solivagus Posted October 8, 2003 Author Report Posted October 8, 2003 Some people say I'll run out of ideas and learn to smile outside of the internet. They're wrong. Sorrows Road A rocky crooked road indeed Is sorrows road Filled with hazards Ready to unload The road I travel now Is sorrows road Past haunting Feelings that forebode Seems to in circles go My sorrows road Back to the beginning With life’s heavy load Memories they haunt me On sorrows road Taking all my spirit Hell is my new abode
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