Mira Posted September 7, 2003 Report Posted September 7, 2003 It's 2:30A.M. so I apologize for anything in advance. Time is lost I try to breath Try to think And to perceive My senseless thought My wild dream Self is lost Soul set free Ragged cloths And greasy hair The tollman asked A costly fair For me to pass From day to day I lost my mind Along the way Like the son That flew too high Every dream Will one day die But salvation Can be found by all When broken horns Let out their call
Peredhil Posted September 7, 2003 Report Posted September 7, 2003 You don't post much - but what you do post I enjoy much. Cryptic and archetypical for me; I took a great deal away from this. -P
whynotsin Posted September 7, 2003 Report Posted September 7, 2003 Im am glad to see that the Pen still has great writers posting. Not that there wouldnt be any left.......um better shut up now...lol great job. Scrathes back of head and walks away.
Parmenion Posted September 7, 2003 Report Posted September 7, 2003 Excellent!!! To begin with...and better as it continues. I am a big fan of Mythology and I loved your subtle reference to Icarus and how he flew so high that the wax on his wings melted! I was then wondering if the "broken horns" refernce was regarding Theseaus when he fought the minotaur. Probably me just wanting to see more mythology in there I was also wondering if "the tollman" is actually an obscure reference to Charon - the ferryman in Greek mythology that ferried people across the river styx so they could enter the underworld of Hades? Ugh - maybe I'm seeing so much there that wasn't meant, but I think it was cause the refernces are subtle but fitting. Please tell me!!! Hehehe. If I read it that many times that I came to combing through it - then you know I liked it! :woot:
Mira Posted September 8, 2003 Author Report Posted September 8, 2003 Parmenion, The Icarus allusion is the most obvious. The "tollman" reffers both to Charon and the toll to enter the abbys, as well as the prices one must pay throught their life.
Mira Posted September 15, 2003 Author Report Posted September 15, 2003 I added a stanza between the second and the third, and edited a few things. I'm also working on some guitar gords for it. We'll see. Time is lost I try to breath Try to think And to perceive My senseless thought My wild dream Self is lost Soul set free With Ragged cloths And greasy hair The tollman asked A costly fair For me to pass From day to day I lost my soul Along the way Phantom pains In my mind I see but I'm still blind They say life's One big game Turns out I'm Locked in chains Like the son That flew too high Every dream Will one day die But hope will Be found by all When broken horns Let out their call
Ayshela Posted September 15, 2003 Report Posted September 15, 2003 excellent! minor spelling errors (breathe, clothes, fare) but otherwise, remarkable as always.
Rhapsody Posted September 20, 2003 Report Posted September 20, 2003 Initally it was the title that attracted me to this poem, and I wasn't disappointed. Il iked the structure--I've got a weakness for choppy fragments of poetry. And the rhyme scheme really made it flow. I only caught onto the Icarus allusion, but I'm still curious about the borken horns bit. It reminds too much of Boromir in Fellowship of the Ring, though that's probably not what you're refering to. I noticed you're trying to make this a song and I totally support that. I can see it being sung. I'm not sure the addition of a stanza was necessary, but it certainly doens't take anything away from this piece.
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