Tattered Posted September 1, 2003 Report Posted September 1, 2003 (edited) My life has been one Compromise after another Role playing, in a complicated life just like my mother I only pause to taste the bitter ramification Brought to my knees with all this worlds infatuation Always hungry, operating on a short fuse Butting heads, damage control is what I use Shamed at the sight of those who've figured it all out When it comes to me in my life I simply live in doubt I don't trust in God or faith or myself anymore Although I believe, I've forgotten what for Inspiration comes to me far and few between My mind is crowded with how wrong I've been I am trapped by my own device I only seem to keep the bad advice Although I sincerely reach for the light Somehow my approach is never right I am growing weary of this circular life I'm leading I am getting sick of the same old song I'm hearing Everything is the same the only things that change Are the faces, time and the way they arrange I feel like I am trapped in the "Groundhog Day" But I never wake happy to have found my way Cuz lets face it, I am a doller short and a day late More and more I become aware of my somber fate So I must wonder why I came to this intense place Just to fail the test, while all memory of me erased? I guess that is wishful thinking, I don't think I am off the hook No, my mind will live forever re-thinking the wrong path I took Edited September 1, 2003 by Tattered
reverie Posted September 1, 2003 Report Posted September 1, 2003 Hmm, small suggestion: since you've already used a back to back couplet form for this poem, you could easily divide it into Seven, 4 line stanzas. I counted up the lines and they would match up perfectly. Generally it helps with the readibility and flow...but that's just my opinion... A spell check or two wouldn't hurt, but I'm as guilty of that as the next guy... also don't be afraid to take more chances with the language you use. Be inventive: invert, inflect phrases... Double and triple entendre are always fun too... let the reader figure it out... Content: I get the impression of a budding sence of reflective irony/angst in you... Seek to develope and refine it more. Envisioning is a good place to start... revery the dreamlost "streams of things" the dream continues...
Tattered Posted September 1, 2003 Author Report Posted September 1, 2003 (edited) Thanks for your constructive critique...I am taking all you said into consideration. I already started, once I have a few moments I will fix it up some more. In the meantime, maybe you have some more advice, maybe you could take a few lines and show me what you are suggesting. Thanks Edited September 1, 2003 by Tattered
reverie Posted September 1, 2003 Report Posted September 1, 2003 (edited) oh, but don't totally delete your original draft... keep it safe somewhere for inspiration if nothing else. I find when i lose my way from too much editing, the original helps me get back on track... hmm, well there I go again, over suggesting. Your style is fine. On second read and maybe the stanza breaks are helping too, I see that your tone throughout is unified and coherent. Plain spoken in it's delivery. It works wells. My language comments were just to try to get you to be more experimentive. i'm always trying to get people to push the envelope a little bit up here. If I changed something in your poem, i'd have to rewrite the entire thing to get it to line up to my style... and it doesn't need that, certainly not from me... 'cause it's good. hmm, but not to leave you with nothing... an example of a double entrende can be found here: Carry your torch into the night Running so hard for the things that might. Maybe, you’re scared, but it’s not what you fear Anyway--do not fade away... Okay, that's a pretty simple line from a short poem called the Runner. It's was written to a running friend of mine that was hopelessly in love with someone named carrie. Now, to everyone else in the world it prolly just look like a nice motivation running/ keep on trucking poem. But to a few people in this world it's meaning would be totally different. I love hidden meanings... 'nother big example: Artemis and Apollo Green and Hazel I see you. With a candle burning blue... Twins alike, imbued with light One for morning, One for night... Careful with your tragic bow Mindful aim will end in woe To the Moon, Orion sings Beaming back a fatal sting... Chariot riding full of flames Many lovers in his reign Glowing sister take your aim Mindful of the lovely game... Drawing back, with little thought Letting go, your heart is caught In the sea, Orion dies So then your heart, lies in the sky... Now another fresh and bright Filled with both your glowing lights Mend betrayal with his hand Healing wisdom for all man See you pupil on the ground Watch him thrive, to all astound... Teaching King and god alike healing saves what gentle fight Noble Chiron all in vain Poisoned arrow ends his pain. For far off friend, misreads the sight Rending sun and moonbeams light... Contrary siblings of the spheres Divided love will disappear For every trick another vice Waning moonbeams slice by slice... Okay this entire poem was written to impress a sagittaruis girl with green/hazel eyes whose always felt she was at odds with her polar opposite identical twin sister. I used greek mythology to hide it though. More than likely the entire meaning shot right over her head, but i liked it. rev... Edited September 1, 2003 by reverie
Tattered Posted September 1, 2003 Author Report Posted September 1, 2003 Toooo late. I know that crossed my mind once I started switching thigs around. However, I rarely will ruin a piece with re working, if I didn't feel it needed, then I would never touch a piece.
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