Curtians

[Vincent Silver]

I write about love

But I'm to young to really know it

I write about pain

But my pain isn't shit

I think I'm dead

But I haven't even lived

I think I'm nice

But I've never really gived

 

My lifes a lie

But people like me better that way

Lieing makes me happy

The real me will never stay

I act so werid

But I'm just too damn normal

I act so hurt

But thats a load of bull

 

I'm scared to be me

Will people accept this stupid kid?

I want to come out my shell

Be the me I've always hid

Edited August 20, 2003 by Vincent Silver

[Tattered]

I am sure many people feel similar to you and would like to be the real them. Not only would we all like to be natural, but also be accepted for it. You did a good job here. I don't know if "gived" is a proper word but I get what you mean by it. I think If you added some creative vocabulary to your already original writing, you would be spectacular. But this is all my opinion so take what you would like.

[Alaeha]

"Gived" isn't a proper word, I think... I believe the word is "Given". If you don't mind that, then go ahead and leave it. But if it's a problem... you can either change it and take the imperfect rhyme, or you can revamp the lines. If you take the latter, I'd recommend making them "live" and "give". As in:

 

I think I'm dead

But what does it mean to live?

I think I'm nice

But I never seem to give.

 

Or you could choose new words to rhyme. This is just the first alternative to come to mind.

 

*Hugs*

[Rhapsody]

Everyone can relate to your message here, Vincent.

 

The simplicity of the poem, its vernacular and brevity, really work in its favor. A point of special note: your expletives and words like "weird" really bang it home and being it to a level that everyone can understand.

 

I espeically liked the structure of the first stanza.

Edited August 23, 2003 by Rhapsody