Boaz Posted August 14, 2003 Report Posted August 14, 2003 (edited) ok, if this one turns out to be too rough and unpolished, we can all blame it on merelas, as he is the one that said to go ahead and post it here! I refuse to go down in flames alone for my shoddy workmanship *joking of course, want to thank him for the words of incouragement* A question, Posed upon my lips. Head spinning, Tingling finger tips. An answer, Heard inside my head. Hope surging, Swallowed by my dread. Electric shock, Running up my spine. As I prepare My very simple line. A pause, Expected failure, Making me, Once again insecure. A moment, Always to be damned. The one door, Forever slammed. Noone knows, Where this might have lead, One Question Mute inside my head. Edited August 14, 2003 by Boaz
Merelas Posted August 14, 2003 Report Posted August 14, 2003 I've already talked to online about this, so I'll just reiterate part of what I said there: WELL DONE! Let's see some more, Boaz!
Alaeha Posted August 14, 2003 Report Posted August 14, 2003 Umm... How is this shoddy? The format seems a little odd to me... but that's just because I tend to have longer lines... Though if you want to polish it, I've a suggestion... You might try dropping a syllable from the second and fourth lines of the third stanza. It'd come out looking more like: Electric shocks run up my spine, As I prepare a simple line. This is good... I like the idea behind it, especially.
Beautiful Nightmare Posted August 14, 2003 Report Posted August 14, 2003 Aww Boaz! *hugs Boaz tightly* I dont understand your message at the start you should be very proud of this poem is very good and i think the short lines were excellent! Im so glad you posted it otherwise i would not of been able to see such excellent writting from you! *hugs*
Dragolin Posted August 16, 2003 Report Posted August 16, 2003 I particularly like this poem, it just struck me .. KABOEM
DL_Snake Posted August 20, 2003 Report Posted August 20, 2003 It's nice, but I agree with Alaeha on that part. It will sound nicer because the syllables will sound more consistent
Rhapsody Posted August 23, 2003 Report Posted August 23, 2003 Oi! Boaz, I have a weakness for short succint poems. I love how you made each line so short--gives the feeling of fragments of imagery. A disjointed but piercing feeling. And the message...I love it. The possibility of an idea leading somewhere. But the tragedy of having it slip away from you. Awesome.
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