Merelas Posted August 12, 2003 Report Posted August 12, 2003 Ok. This is really good, and It's awesome to look at some of your previous works and look at where you are now. Just some things I noticed: The feet of the lines seem not to match all the time. By this, I mean the flow of between lines in each stanza. I don't know if I can explain this correctly... hmm. It's sorta like syllables, relating to the meter of the poem. I would suggest reading them outloud to yourself when you finish, and seeing how the things flow. so that I can finally enjoy my ice cream. The only thing about that was that it sorta didn't make sense. I got the point, certainly, but it just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. It's still a very good work, and the progress is awesome! More! More!
WrenWind Posted August 13, 2003 Report Posted August 13, 2003 It is very good an you are improving. And i got the part about the icecream right away it made sense to me . To just sit and relax and eat a bowl of icecream like anyone would a kind of care free thing to do .
Loki Wyrd Posted August 20, 2003 Report Posted August 20, 2003 For starters, nice poem - I enjoyed it. You sholuldn't put your writng down so much. I'm not sure if you're like me, but that would be my guess; I say thave a tendency to ut yself down as do I wth my work as well. For me doing this acts as a defense mechanism. We've been hard on ourselves, and are sure toinstill low expactation in those around uso that no1 hurt you through their harsh words. Especialy words that come from within your very soul
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