Vincent Silver Posted August 11, 2003 Report Posted August 11, 2003 (edited) I cryed myself to sleep last night I died when I dreamed of you I bled the crimson red My heart turned to coldest blue I saw the light in your eyes Hiding the death inside Red tears run down my face My feelings I try to hide I closed my eyes and fell to dreams I bid reality adieu I danced above the stars But still my thoughts ran back to you I couldn't do anything Cept' die while my hearted turned blue My eyes are open now But I'll always dream of you I cryed myself to sleep last night I died when I dreamed of you.... Edited August 11, 2003 by Vincent Silver
Merelas Posted August 11, 2003 Report Posted August 11, 2003 Ahh... a poem of unrequited love. Very well done. Some of the rhyme scheme in the second stanza (or verse... the terms were never my strong point) was a little sketchy, but it was good all the same
Alaeha Posted August 11, 2003 Report Posted August 11, 2003 Hmm... I have but two suggestion for this... If you're interested. The mood to this song is beautiful, and if I may suggest it, you might consider adding a single syllable to one of the lines... for the sake of the flow, if nothing else. It may just be that I was reading it wrong, though. To illustrate (changes bolded) I danced above the stars But still my thoughts ran back to you Ok... so I omitted "the" in favor of "my" in the suggestion... but it seemed different. The only other thing I have to suggest: You might strike the one of the d's in the word "dided" in the last line... You can take or leave the suggestions... just figured that I might as well make them, unless they're unwelcome.
Vincent Silver Posted August 11, 2003 Author Report Posted August 11, 2003 Thanks for the feed back. Edited in your suggestion and fixed the typo.
Tattered Posted August 12, 2003 Report Posted August 12, 2003 Oh, why must love be so unkind? It gives so much life yet it can take away it all. Just like you poem says " I died when I dreamed of you" Love can seem a life or death. I have been there too many times. Thank you for your beautiful writing.
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