Aardvark Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 (edited) It recently occurred to me that there's no real way to measure how great a piece of literature is. Everything's subjective, everyone's a critic and every writer has a different set of ghouls in their respective closets. So it got me thinking. There's gotta be a scientific way you can break down any story to find a common greatness quotient, somewhere within the words and paragraphs. Then I realised I was dead wrong, so came up with this one, which I will be using for all future stories. Action sequences involving 3 opposing parties: 5 points Protagonist dies at start of story: 5 points Protagonist lives to see another day: 5 points Protagonist dies unexpectedly just before the end: 10 points Told in first person: 10 points Told in third person: 10 points Told in second person: -10 points* Brutal and direct: 15 points Leaves reader with warm fuzzy feeling: 15 points Leaves reader with a cold, sickly feeling: 15 points Leaves reader with urge to grab the nearest blunt object and beat self over the head: -15 Leaves reader with urge for hot, fresh donuts from Krispy Kreme: 100 points *hides large sack with dollar sign* Uses alliteration: 5 points Uses assonance: 5 points Uses onomatopoeia: 5 points Explains what the above words mean and why anyone looking for them should have their eyes plucked out: 50 points Antagonist is bald: 10 points Antagonist has a monocle: 10 points Antagonist speaks with a thick slavic accent: 10 points Antagonist speaks with a thick texan accent: 20 points Antagonist is plotting for world domination: 0 points** Antagonist is a puke-inducingly cute small child: -20 points Antagonist is a puke-inducingly cute small child with homicidal tendencies: 50 points Antagonist dies at the end: 10 points Antagonist escapes through a hidden trapdoor: 10 points Antagonist wins: 20 points Antagonist wins - Fatality: 50 points, plus a bonus 5 for every goresplatter Antagonist dies and is a puke-inducingly cute small child without homicidal tendencies: 100 points Story includes three sided battle that doesn't involve the law somewhere: 20 points Story includes consistent witty parley between all parties: 20 points Story includes witty one-liners before key character dies horribly: 30 points Story includes one-liners that make you double over and cringe like you've eaten bad meat and have got stomach cramps to match: 50 points *** There are more, but I wanna get to the bonus points Someone using the word French is corrected by someone who uses the word Freedom: 5 points Gunbattle that starts off with parties pulling out bigger and bigger guns: 5 points Protagonist drives a Charger, Viper, Monaro or F250: 5 points Antagonist drives a Moke, Bug, Mightyboy or riced-up Civic: 5 points Fight scene involves a helicopter coming in for no reason: 5 points Puke-inducingly cute small child is belted by parent whenever it opens it's mouth: 20 points The words Paradigm or Antidisestablishmentarianism are used: 5 points each Both the above words are used in the same sentence: Further 50 points A ninja, white or black, stands around for most of the story, then lands the crucial kick in the final fight scene: 10 points: Ninja is then killed by a Pirate who swings in out of nowhere: 20 points Ninja isn't killed by a pirate who swings in out of nowhere: Just alt-f4 your story out of existence now, it fails Wyvern makes a cameo: 20 points Wyvern makes a cameo wearing a monocle, no hair, plans for world domination and speaking in a thick slavic accent: 0 points^ All characters enjoy hot fresh donuts from Krispy Kreme: 100 points * Don't tell me what I'm doing, damn you ** You can't be an antagonist these days without schemes for world domination *** This is the true oneliner. You don't get anymore onelined than this ^If you can't figure that one out, I'm not helping you There. That's the A.R.S.E for now. I may or may not add to it later, maybe to take into account stories that might not include violence, bloodshed, hatred, world domination and one-liners. Don't hold your breath, though Edited January 11, 2016 by Aardvark
Peredhil Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 Howls with laughter Yes! I love it! Wyvern runs by, pursued by Melba waddling after with a stack of unreviewed applications. You have l33t ninj0r skills. heads off to work snickering
Psimon Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 Protagonist: Brilliant! This is the final piece I need. I shall immediately add this rating system to the criteria within my top secret Almost Random Selection Engine for Nearly All Literature (A.R.S.E.N.A.L. ® ) This seemingly innocent box of fortune cookies is actually the device by which I intend to take over the world!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I shall be able to produce literature in any genre that the foolish mortals of earth will buy by the millions. Their putrid minds will be sucked into plots thinner than the paper on which they are printed! Their weak eyes will cry rivers of tears as I suck their freewill and force them to buy endless items of associated paraphernalia - t-shirts, CDs, pens, coffee cups, bed linen, wallpaper, drapes, toys, colouring books, teaching aids (with the additional benefit of sucking a whole new generation into my plans for world domination! *cue evil laugh* ) **Hardback, paperback and coming soon - coffee table edition. Individual editions sold seperately. Available now at all significant booksellers. Not available online until March 2004** It's all simply to marvelous! Mwuhahahahaha... Mwuhahahahahaha... What? What do you mean, 'It's already been done'? Just who the heck is Peter Jackson? Oh, sh&$! Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Don't you just find that Antidisestablishmentarianism is the paradigm of the new age? *puke-inducingly cute small child with homicidal tendencies enters stage left carrying small chainsaw and blunt spoon* What are you doing here, puke-inducingly cute small child with homicidal tendencies? No! Wait! I was only kidding about getting you to wipe my a$$ for a change! Please... no... *Effect: chainsaw engine revving up* AAAAARRRRGGHHHHhhhhhh........ *Effect: Extreme chainsaw goresplatter* Narrator: Ooooo... that's gotta hurt! *Cue: Wyvern enters stage right* Wyv: So, what did I miss? Hmmmm... Anyone else here feel the urge for hot, fresh donuts from Krispy Kreme? Yummmmmy! Lights: FADE **** The End. PS. GREAT piece, Aardvark! ROFLMAO
lumpenproletariat Posted August 6, 2003 Report Posted August 6, 2003 (edited) I added up all my points and I passed! ? Edited August 6, 2003 by James
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted December 22, 2006 Report Posted December 22, 2006 (edited) Wyvern had mentioned this at one point in one of my stories and I only just now checked it out. Brilliant! I now know how to rate my readings accurately!! And the image of Wyvern bald with a monocle and a thick slavic accent is hilarious and just slightly disturbing at the same time. hot krispy kreme doughnuts~ that was what was mentioned in the story... Amazing and brilliant again!!!!!! ~Kikuyu by the way, what is passing on the point system? or is it just a: oh i got two points, poop/ yay i got 342 points i'm elite!!!! ? Edited December 22, 2006 by Kikuyu Black Paws
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