Alaeha Posted July 28, 2003 Report Posted July 28, 2003 Hmm... I seem to write all my best work when I'm depressed. Even when it's just random depression. No exception here. This is something of a new style for me, though, in that I had more repetition than usual. Did it work out at all well? Past What's past is past, What'st done is done. It couldn't last, but it was fun. You claimed, you wrote, you swore, you cried. But like a note, tossed it aside. And through it all, I trusted you, I gave you all I had to give. One heart was false, one heart was true. I died that day, but yet I live... What's past is past, what's done is done. It didn't last, You'd had your fun. You thought... you spoke, I let you go. My heart... it broke, and I don't know why, like a fool, I loved the one who was my closest, dearest friend. It ruined that. I want to run each time you come around the bend. What's past is past. What's done is done. And I don't matter in the end.
Psimon Posted July 28, 2003 Report Posted July 28, 2003 I liked this piece, Alaeha A simple rhythm, truth and a dash of pain in each line, a certain melancholic resolve in the end... all the things I like in poetry The repetition, particularly what's, I found to be a little distracting. Kept getting hung up on the apostrophes (probably because I have so much trouble with them myself! LOL ) Perhaps a replacement word on just one line in each affected stanza? I would also suggest switching the 3rd and 6th stanzas... The 3rd (as it stands) seems to be leading to a conclusion/climactic statement, yet pulls back. I don't think it would lose too much breaking up the rhyme pattern from the 6th stanza into your closing statement... and with a bit of alteration to patch the broken sentence from 5th to 6th stanzas... Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy! All just my own thoughts, of course. Please take or leave as you feel appropriate I have taken the liberty of copy the original and altering it below to illustrate my points ( changes in bold): Past The past is past - what's done is done. It couldn't last, but it was fun. You claimed, you wrote, you swore, you cried. But like a note, tossed it aside. Why, like a fool, did I love one who was my closest, dearest friend? It ruined that. I want to run each time you come around the bend. The past is past, what's done is done. It didn't last, You'd had your fun. You thought... you spoke, I let you go. My heart... it broke, now I don't know. And through it all, I trusted you, I gave you all I had to give. One heart was false, one heart was true. I died that day, and yet I live... The past is past. What's done is done. And I don't matter in the end. Thoughts?? No throwing of heavy objects please, as I bruise easily...
Alaeha Posted July 28, 2003 Author Report Posted July 28, 2003 Well... I'm a bit dubious about exchanging The and What's... It seems to me that there's a subtle difference between saying that What's past is past, and saying that The past is past. The implications inherent to the wording are slightly different. The former sounds slightly more... aggressive, I suppose... as well as speaking more about a specific event. What's past is in the past. It's a single event that, like all the rest of of those things that have happened, can't be changed. The past is... well... the past. It's the whole of the series of events that are in it. Does that make any sense? Or am I the only one who sees it that way? But for the rest, it seems to be a vast improvement. And even if it weren't, you'd be in no danger of an attack by flying furniture... At least not from me. Any criticism is always welcome. It makes me think, even if I disagree. Thanks!
SoaringIcarus Posted August 1, 2003 Report Posted August 1, 2003 Alaeha-- Yeah, I wouldn't change the The's and What's either. And the end of the third stanza, you say "I died that day, and yet I live..." I completely get your meaning there, and realize that it refers to the day the author and the reciever of her unrequited love split.... yet "that day" is not refered to very much, before-hand. As a reader, I might ask for a little more set-up. Wooo, yay for enjambment. The end is nice and biting. It really stings. -Icarus
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