Chanz Posted July 27, 2003 Report Posted July 27, 2003 i was trying to get at how false society can be. Like we are all living under a mask. You look i smile. You cook i eat, even though it is vile. You turn around i frown. i fall to the ground but jump up, when you turn around. Why do we pretend to be something we are not? What's so wrong with showing how we feel? It's like trying to pass a winter's day off as being hott, It makes me ashamed to be real. I want to take off the mask show what's hidden. but, too scared to step out of my cask It's like there's a rule that makes it forbidden. Just imagine what life would be like if we were all real- no one was fake....
Alaeha Posted July 27, 2003 Report Posted July 27, 2003 Well... I'll say that it's an interesting poem. And most certainly an interesting way of looking at life. I've thought about it on a couple occasions... But there're a couple of things that I can see that could be improved... First and foremost, hot is spelled with only one t. Second, and slightly less important... (since it's only a matter of opinion, rather than a fact) and of course less easily remedied, there are the last two lines... "Just imagine what life would be like if we were all real- no one was fake...." With the pattern of rhyming set, it seems a shame to break that pattern at the end like that... And of course my mind supplies alternate lines without my even callling for them. It's annoying at times, but I'll offer them in this case. Feel free to dink around with them as you wish, or just ignore them. "I've wondered at times... Just what would it take for us to be real... and nobody fake?" Just an idea or two. Those were the things that really leapt out at me as I read. I rather liked this though... Especially the idea behind it. *Hugs*
Psimon Posted July 27, 2003 Report Posted July 27, 2003 Nice work, Chanz! Some good thoughts also, Alaeha, on this excellent piece. Speaks right to the heart of many of society's ills today, doesn't it? .. So few people are honest anymore. It's all falseness.. political correctness run amok, social 'norms' forced on people.. so much falseness, so much pretense. IMHO the last two lines fit ok, if viewed as the writer (Chanz or first personage ) making that attempt to 'break out' of the 'falseness' of the rhyme of the rest of the piece... (??) just a thought....
SoaringIcarus Posted August 1, 2003 Report Posted August 1, 2003 Greetings, Chanz. I think this is very funny (even if not intended). It makes me think of marionettes. It's good to read a different style of expression. Great message. Also reminds me of those store clerks who ask "Hi, how are you today?" They don't really want to hear anything that's not luke-warm or hearty. Write on. -Icarus
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