Boaz Posted July 25, 2003 Report Posted July 25, 2003 oh forgot to mention. posted these for someone that wants some responces not colored by friendship or need to please, I shall be passing on the assessments of the poems given, and may be posting revised versions, once recieved. Loves true embrace, Acceptance’s shining face, lip upon lip, soul upon soul. With not a shame passions built to roaring flame breath upon breath heart upon heart. But passions die, And people lie lie upon lie, truth upon truth Words said in haste, 2 hearts laid waste, Pain upon pain Tear upon tear
Salinye Posted July 25, 2003 Report Posted July 25, 2003 I really liked this, liked the rythm and repeated pattern. If I were to change one thing it would be the third stanza. I probably wouldn't use the same word in the fourth line as I did in the third since in all the other stanzas the words in the 3rd and fourth were not the same. I might do something like, But passions die, And people cry, lie upon lie, truth upon truth Or something similiar. Otherwise, great poem. :0) Pass it on that we would like him/her to come join us at The Pen!! ~Salinye
Gyrfalcon Posted July 25, 2003 Report Posted July 25, 2003 oh forgot to mention. posted these for someone that wants some responces not colored by friendship or need to please, I shall be passing on the assessments of the poems given, and may be posting revised versions, once recieved. Love's true embrace, Acceptance’s shining face, lips upon lips, soul upon soul. With not a shame passions built to roaring flame breath upon breath heart upon heart. But passions die, And people lie lie upon lie, truth upon truth. Words said in haste, Two hearts laid to waste, Pain upon pain Tear upon tear. I think I'll take it upon myself to point out the little niggly details that should be attended to. Changes are in bold below. Overall, a good poem, I liked reading it. The only change I think should be made, Salinye has pointed out- change one of the lies to something else to avoid the repetition of the same word three times in a row.
Psimon Posted July 27, 2003 Report Posted July 27, 2003 I like this piece, but IHMO, there are a couple of things that could be reviewed/revised: I would go further than Sal and Gyr in revising the third stanza... Perhaps something like: (changes in bold based on Gyr's revision) Love's true embrace, Acceptance(’s) - shining face, <-- remove 's , replace with hyphen lips upon lips, soul upon soul. World without shame passions built to roaring flame breath upon breath heart upon heart. but passions wane - loves last refrain lie upon lie truth upon truth Words said in haste, Two hearts laid (to) waste, <--- remove 'to' Pain upon pain Tear upon tear. This would give the rhyming structure a mirrored effect (stanzas 1 & 4 being very close, as would be 2 & 3) However... it would still need some work on the meter. The piece, in its current form, lends itself well to a four-syllable line (line#2 & 6 would just need to be reworked to fit) Anyhoo... these are only my own thoughts on the work. Hope they are understandable (and I haven't just been dribbling as usual LOL ) Your friend may take or leave them as they see fit As Sal has said, we would love to see your friend contribute personally. We don't bite (well, not *really* hard, anyway)
SoaringIcarus Posted August 1, 2003 Report Posted August 1, 2003 Greetings, Boaz. The way I'm seeing this poem (imagery-wise) I might switch the lines "heart upon heart" and "lip upon lip". It would keep the passionate things together, and the 'pure' things together. I'm kind of confused by the last two stanzas. I know they want to keep consistent with the form of the poem, but they don't seem to hold as much meaning as the stanzas prior. Also, I'm not a big fan of using numbers in place of words (i.e. 2 instead of two), but that's just personal taste. Sadly to say, I feel this poem kind of putters out in the end. With a bit of reworking, it will be good. :wizzie: -Icarus
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