Boaz Posted July 25, 2003 Report Posted July 25, 2003 22 years of life 22 years of fear hate and strife reached a cliff so sheer 22 years ended with a knife. A baby was born. On a fine winter morn And met with a cheer Among them not a worry was worn Once a life cherished, With hopes being wished, Were met with a Jeer, And so they all perished. As the years flow, Vapid and hollow they grow, With pain and fear As the seeds that they sow. 22 years of life 22 years of fear hate and strife reached a cliff so sheer 22 years ended with a knife.
Wyvern Posted August 4, 2003 Report Posted August 4, 2003 This is a very good poem, Boaz, I really liked it. In terms of structure and style, the AABA, CCBC rhyme structure worked very effectively in my opinion, as did the repitition of the first stanza for the conclusion of the poem. The one piece of meter that struck me as a bit off was the second line of the first/final stanza, which fits well into the stanza as it shares the same number of syllabels as the final line of the stanza, but which seems to not fit well with the other stanzas (as they have far fewer syllabels). This is strictly a personal opinion, of course, but I might cut down the second and fourth lines of the first and final stanzas to 8 syllabels. You might do this by changing "ended" in the fourth line to "end" and removing "fear," "hate," or "strife" from the second line. In fact, an interesting idea might be to use the word you removed in the second line of the first stanza and placing it in the last stanza. For example, the second line of the first stanza could be "22 years of fear and strife" while the second line of the last stanza could be "22 years of hate and strife." Anyway, once again, it's just a matter of personal taste. ;p Another thing I really liked about the poem is how it slowly portrays the abusive life of the victim, starting at the day he was born and leading to his violent demise at the age of 22. Well done!
SoaringIcarus Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 Good ol' Western Re-capitulation always hits the spot. Well-written. -Icarus
Peredhil Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 hmmm. I thought this was well done. When I read it aloud, I found myself putting in "emphasis commas" in 22 years of fear, hate, and strife - y'know - coming down hard on the words, almost spitting them out. Myriad are the arguments of magi and poets - I like the triple emphasis figure of speech. You manage to evoke a scene, cause, and completion all in a few short harsh lines. Well done!
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