Tasslehoff Posted August 3, 2003 Report Posted August 3, 2003 Sabre, it is good to see a poem out of you. You have very good thoughts inside your head, and I like seeing you writing them down every now and then.. I like this poem, though I feel it needs work, maybe a bit more too it, help it flow. But hey, Im just a critic..
Vlad Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 This poem struck me as different. It's good, don't get me wrong on that point, but there is something about it... It seemed kinda rushed, maybe if you split it into smaller chunks.
WrenWind Posted August 5, 2003 Report Posted August 5, 2003 i really liked the repetition in this like the spine of the piece bringing your thoughts back to the center. *So go on deceive me make me feel all right. So tell me what I want to hear. Cuz today I can't face my fear* Good work
Beautiful Nightmare Posted August 6, 2003 Report Posted August 6, 2003 Sabre i think this poem is very good it made me feel the way you did when you wrote it and i think when people can do that through their poems it shows alot of talent some of the worlds greatest poets cant even do that so well done!
Alaeha Posted August 11, 2003 Report Posted August 11, 2003 Yeah... I really like this... But (like everything else in life) it could use some work. Maybe if you broke it up a bit... The only suggestion I've got that hasn't been given is something that occured to me, and it's more a matter of personal style, I suppose, than anything else... (And it may seem a bit out of place...) anyways... Though the feel of the poem is rushed, the words seem (to me) to speak of hesitation, and it seems to me that the hesitation could be suggested more strongly by changing the line "Cuz today I can't face my fear." to be "Today... I just can't face my fear." or some such. Just a thought. Be sure to write more though...
Merelas Posted August 11, 2003 Report Posted August 11, 2003 mm... This sounds good. Something about it that I can't put my finger on, I like. Everything constructive that I could offer has already been said, so I'll end with a traditional "Well done!"
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