Machine

[Aardvark]

Dr Schmittstein. The man, the myth. If there was a Mad Scientist Monthly, each month's cover would be Schmittstein cackling madly from a different angle. No other mad scientist in the history of the universe could ever quite be the mad scientist that Schmittstein was. Even the original mad scientist, whoever the hell that was, couldn't have imagined anyone more mad scientist than Schmittstein. He was a scientist and he was indeed quite mad.

 

He had it all. He had the offwhite lab coat, stained beyond white from years of chemicals, with strategically placed burns that showed his various layers of underclothes which served more as padding incase of a mishap than anything else. He had the 3" thick, leadlined asbestos gloves for handling hot, volatile materials. He had the frizzy beard, greyed beyond belief. He had the unkempt hair that had never seen a comb in it's life. He had the cap, a cross between a pilot's cap and an old school cap, complete with a pair of goggles he rarely wore. They were rarely worn because that would require the removal of the monocle. Infact, the only thing he lacked was the eyebrows. Which just added to the image.

 

His laboratory also fitted the image perfectly. It had everything from lightning conductors to metal coils. The walls were lined with shelves filled with books and unlabelled jars. The contents of the jars ranged from green bubbly liquids to pickled animals. There were benches everywhere, all holding a mechanical contraption of some kind, some also holding chemistry sets and other interesting oddities. Somehow, the mad doctor had managed to fit more benchspace in his lab than there was lab. One of his many mad innovations, he would tell anyone who asked.

 

The time period for this little window into the Doctor's busy schedule would be mid 19th century, when the gene pool spewed out an unnatural concentration of potential mad scientists into the world. We happen upon the doctor as he is busy adding the final touches to his latest mechanical contraption. Quite possibly his greatest mechanical contraption, too. According to the everpresent drawing board, a large chalkboard which caused the destruction of several tons of chalk a year, the creation was called Titanus. As unoriginal a name as you're likely to get out of any mad scientist, especially for an endeavour of this magnitude. The blueprints (drawn up in blue chalk, too) show a complex mechanical monster. An acute observer would realise, by observing the complex array of pipes, the various pressure and temperature gauges and the many release valves, that this mechanical contraption was steam powered. Pulling ourselves away from the drawing board and to the creation, we see the Doctor is thinking on a grander scale than most would, when designing a steampowered mechanical contraption, especially one called Titanus.

 

With a loud metallic slam, the Doctor closes the hatch he was just working on and climbs down the ladder. Once on the ground, he makes his way to a large switch. Gripping the switch, he begins his clichéd mad scientist monologue.

 

"Ahh, zey sed it couldn't be done. Zey sought I was MAD for even considering ze possibility. But look at you, Titanus. You in your 50 foot steel glory. Soon zey vill fear you. And zussly shall bow down to me! With you enforcing my vill, I vill Rule ze World!!!"

 

The actual monologue should go for three hours, but we lack time here, so for the purposes of the story, he then laughed maniacally for the next two hours, fifty nine minutes. But we'll skip that bit.

 

He threw the switch. Generators began pumping electricity into the central control unit of the contraption. Oil furnaces deep within it's belly fired up, boiling the water, turning it to steam. Various metal struts begin groaning as the machine heated up.

 

"Yes... YES!!!!" Schmittstein shouted with glee as his creation began to, slowly but surely, rise to it's feet. It should be noted here that the ceilings in Schmittstein's lab, as in all mad scientist labs around the world, was adjustable in height. Self-adjustable. It was always almost high enough. One more mad innovation the Doctor would brag about. Even though, in this case, it meant the machine, Titanus, created a head-shaped dent in it.

 

At it's full height, Titanus did indeed look impressive and intimidating. Created in the image of a man, a misshapen monstrosity of a man, with large claws in place of hands. Other than that, it resembled a human in most other aspects. Major joints in similar positions, knees, elbows, although they all had restricted movement in unnecessary directions, as one would expect for a steam driven monstrosity. The head was a masterpiece. Jagged teeth lined a jaw that did little more than look menacing. The nose was simply a large slab of metal welded on at the last minute. No ears, flat top, lack of chin. But the eyes, coal black with two red beads of light in the centres. Anyone who saw it would think the eyes were simply for show. Anyone couldn't be more wrong about them. But no one would ever know how advanced they really were.

 

"Go, my creation. Go to ze houses of zose who scoffed at my efforts and show zem ze true nature of Science!!!!"

 

With groans of metal parts, scraping of head against roof and hissing of escaping steam, Titanus took several bold steps towards the exit to the lab. Then he stopped.

 

"Vhat??? Vhat is wrong viff you, stupid bucket of bolts????"

 

The mechanical contraption attempted another feeble step forward, then fell with a loud crash.

 

"Stupid machine!! Vhat the devil is wrong viff you now?"

 

The doctor picked up a comically oversized spanner and made his way to the machine. Then he noticed one of the many external gauges he installed incase of critical pressure buildup. The gauge was reporting critical pressure buildup. The doctor panicked and dove behind one of his many benches just as Titanus exploded, turning the lab into a smoky sauna. The doctor waited until the clattering of flying parts died down before sticking his head out.

 

The lower half of Titanus remained intact. The rest was strewn about the lab. A large hole in the roof, probably caused by the head rocketing straight up, flooded the lab with natural light.

 

"Vell, it is back to ze old drawing board for me, zen"

 

Schmittstein, never one to waste a moment, turned to his drawing board, only to discover a pressure gauge shaped hole through the middle of it.

 

After the outburst of foul language, Schmittstein removed his mad scientist cap, threw it on the ground and jumped up and down on it several times, cursing all the while.