Beautiful Nightmare Posted July 18, 2003 Report Posted July 18, 2003 Not finished yet but let me know what you think! I have scars inside of my Locked up tight for none to see All these scars you gave to me With a few sharp words you broke my heart But all of this is just the start. I keep digging myself deeper into depression Words like happiness have lost all meaning Im caught up in teenage grievings
Alaeha Posted July 18, 2003 Report Posted July 18, 2003 (edited) Hmm... the rhythm could use some work... but that's to be expected with something that's just being begun. Perhaps it would be improved by changing: With a few sharp words you broke my heart to With razor words, you broke my heart. or cold, sharp words, or some such. Not sure what sort of effect you're trying for with the second bit, though... Whether it's supposed to be verse or free form. I like this, though. *Hugs* Edited July 18, 2003 by Alaeha
Ayshela Posted November 13, 2003 Report Posted November 13, 2003 hey, did this one ever get finished? i'd like to see what you ended up with.
Merelas Posted November 14, 2003 Report Posted November 14, 2003 Arwen, I wanted to say that I'm impressed with how much honesty and reasoning you really put into your poetry... the following line especially impressed me: Im caught up in teenage grievings The adjective "teenage" tells me that you recognize the fact that these emotions will probably pass, and that they're perhaps not what'll be important in a few years. I'm really in awe that you can recognize that, and display that recognition so fluently! Carry on... I'd love to see the final version of this!
Beautiful Nightmare Posted November 14, 2003 Author Report Posted November 14, 2003 god i completely forgot about this poem ill have to find the finished part! ill post it when i do thanks for reminding me and your kind coments!
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