Wyvern Posted July 13, 2003 Report Posted July 13, 2003 That starry glimmer in the sky A droplet, from endless cloud cascades Those beads that cling as tears to panes Evaporate in vain Trickle not through empty crevice Explode! Leak down to nourish thirst Reach heart and hand, touch brow and thought Imbue a unique stain A soil rich from virtue moist Surrounds the seeds of hopeful bloom Drowning fear in waves of thought To overcome the pain Praying for storms to set me free I reach my hands towards grey horizons... Yet endless dry spells mock me.
Sorciere Posted July 13, 2003 Report Posted July 13, 2003 I really like this, you can feel the yearning very strongly throughout and on a purely selfish note I love storms and often sit being mocked by darkclouds that develop into nothing, so I feel the anxiety here.
Salinye Posted July 13, 2003 Report Posted July 13, 2003 Wyvie~ Now that it's not 2am and I can actually write a sentence that makes sense, I wanted to comment on this poem. First off, I really liked it a lot. One of your strengths as a writer is that your works always sing with intelligence. I don't know if that makes sense. However, I find myself often thinking after reading one of your works. "Wyvie is very intelligent." I'm not sure you intend for that to ring in your writing, but for me, it certainly does. Poetry is very beatiful, but not always intelligent. I anxiously watch for your works because you have a way of satisfying more than one area of my brain. I'm sorry that I'm not experienced enough to offer line by line critique (Yet, I'm really trying to learn) However, to me it flows really nicely. I especially like the rhythm of this one. I like how the 4th line of the first three stanza's end with a 6 beat line which is a few beats shorter than all the other line. This consistency seems to close each stanza nicely to me as I read it. :0) Great job! I'll enjoy reading more of your works!! ~Salinye
HopperWolf Posted July 16, 2003 Report Posted July 16, 2003 tis a nice piece, I especially like the first stanza, particularly the use of the line "Those beads that cling as tears to panes" Which seems to me to be a concession to an older style that I adore (think Herrick and dunne) and the entire first stanza has a very naturalistic feel (a type of poetry I love) which plays off rather well against the more raw organic feel of the rest of the poem.
Wyvern Posted September 7, 2003 Author Report Posted September 7, 2003 Thanks to those who commented on the original... I recently revised this poem in the Writer's Workshop since I was unsatisfied with a number of parts in it. Here's the final (and in my opinion, better) version of the poem: That starry glimmer in the sky A droplet, from endless cloud cascades Those beads that cling as tears to panes Evaporate in vain To trickle is to pass unseen So burst, spread over massive plains Reach heart and hand, touch brow and thought Imbue a unique stain Fall upon the open soil Submerge, through endless dirt and pain Enrich it with your distinct smile Give bloom to hope untamed As dark clouds gather in the sky I plead for storms to set me free And reach my hands towards grey horizons... Yet endless dry spells mock me.
Parmenion Posted September 7, 2003 Report Posted September 7, 2003 Both were very good reads! For me this read as a poem about a land which once knew what it was to feel nourished but which since has become desert-like. It personified the feelings of the land towards that which it is dependent upon. Thats what I got from reading it. A dry county feel... Thoroughly enjoyed this Wyvern and glad it was brought back up cause I was on holidays and must have missed it first time round :/
Sorciere Posted September 7, 2003 Report Posted September 7, 2003 Ahhhhh I finally had time to read the amendments! I especially love: To trickle is to pass unseen So burst, spread over massive plains a much more descriptive pairing, great work, I liked them both but I can see you thought long and hard about it and I agree the second is better, well done!
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