Chanz Posted July 11, 2003 Report Posted July 11, 2003 Now i have found it, I can slowly claw my way out of the deep, dark pit. I've searched all my life, To find this one thing, that could drive me away from the knife. Finally when i was about to give in, And throw my life in the bin. I found what i have been searching for, The person, whom i could adore. It was love at first sight, I knew straight away when I saw him last night. I knew he wasn't like other guys, He wasn't a sleaze followed by flies. He is caring and kind, And takes over my mind. He looks out for me, And allows me to be free. But now that I have found you, You had better tell me everything true. And not break my heart, Or else i will hit you with my poisen dart.
Sorciere Posted July 13, 2003 Report Posted July 13, 2003 I found the changes in form a little difficult to get a flow the first time I read this, but after a second reading it flowed far better, a lot of beautiful emotion in this, the kind of feeling we all love to experience, hope and love.
Vigil StarGazer Posted July 16, 2003 Report Posted July 16, 2003 But now that I have found you, You had better tell me everything true. And not break my heart, Or else i will hit you with my poisen dart. geez... is that what you do to your bf? kinda scary... I hope the man of your dreams carry some antidotes around... Heart is a hard word to rythem with.. but ... "Or else we will be forever part" sounds better...
Beautiful Nightmare Posted July 18, 2003 Report Posted July 18, 2003 I liked this poem alot very touching!
Alaeha Posted July 19, 2003 Report Posted July 19, 2003 Hmm... Heart: Part, Start, Smart, Dart, Art, Mart, Cart... I'm sure there are others. Love is a much harder word to rhyme with without Cliche, so I endeavor to stick it in the middle of the line. Anyways... I like this poem, though the rhythm is a bit strange. Love is a good thing. And I like the touch at the end... I could never bring myself to hurt someone I loved for hurting me... Though if someone I care about winds up getting hurt by my ex like I did... I'll prove that bit about the pen being mightier than the sword. *sighs*
Chanz Posted July 20, 2003 Author Report Posted July 20, 2003 I would NEVER hurt him, i'd just yell alot, and give daggers and stuff like that 2 show him that he hurt me. i could never lay a hand on him
T)emon13laT)e Posted July 20, 2003 Report Posted July 20, 2003 Well, one thing is the rhyming. All the rhyming seems forced so I dont really like it. I would say only to use a rhyme when it comes naturally and doesn't stick out. Other than that, Its good.
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