Tattered Posted June 19, 2003 Report Posted June 19, 2003 (edited) I just had to post a little something. I was rummaging through some old school papers and poetry, notes from friends, pictures etc....and I couldn't help but wonder, have I always been so full of shit? Really. I have always thought I was so intuitive and emotionally intelegent, but I am just another fool. Where did I get off? Sure, I had a tough upbringing. 8 brothers and one scrawny girl ME! No love from my real mom. Lots of confusion, plenty of all types of abuse and neglect. In fact I shouldn't even be alive. But really, I bet I didn't have more than most people have in a life time. The majority of mine just happened to fall all at once in the begining 15 years...Wait it's still happening. Like when all them were done with me, I decided to finish it off myself... I am 22 and I feel like a complete infant. All those years! I don't feel like I can learn enough. When Will I get there??? When will I feel satisfied, loved, understood....? When will I find my niche, my place? Ever? I mean really, I start off really strong and impressive in all that I do, but slowly and surely I tapper off into an insecure and disscomforting oblivion. Just barely coherant just slightly focused and mostly numb. Why? It's like I shut down, loose my point, get lost/confused, and give up. I ALWAYS end up running. Running. That's me. Since day one. I started running and just never stopped, I don't know how to live. Ha! unfortunatly and pathetically I feel like a Forest Gump! SIGH, Man, I have no answers. I know nothing. And I am stuck with no escape plan. But the question I have is about the whole escape thing. Maybe it's the wrong approach entirely. Maybe I need to rethink this. But How? How do I change my ways when I am too practiced being blind to them, my way of life? Edited June 19, 2003 by Tattered
Ayshela Posted June 19, 2003 Report Posted June 19, 2003 question everything. which is, actually, probably the hardest thing to do, because the things you think are unquestionable - basic fundamental truths about yourself and about life - are usually the very things which most need to be shaken loose and looked at again. give yourself a break. (yes, i say it well and can't do it, yet) it doesn't matter what other people did or didn't live, what matters is what you lived and the effects it's had on you. you can't do anything about anyone else's life, only yours. you don't know the intimate details of anyone else's life, so any comparison is unfair to both of you. give yourself a break. it was tough and you survived it. well done. why do you give up? training and fear, if i had to make a guess. if i had to make a second guess, i'd say training to be afraid. you don't have to be, though it's a hard habit to give up. i'm still trying to figure out what else there is, though, so i can't point you to the road signs out even though i do know the territory you're in. You're 22. You've survived 22 years. good for you! That can be difficult to do. it's not the end of the road, though, because you're now at the point where many people are trying to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and try to figure out how the heck they got where they are and where to go from there. Those are questions only you have the answers for, though talking to others can help you find them within yourself. Perhaps you could even find the escape hatch which leads back into life and *living*? *hugs*
Aardvark Posted June 19, 2003 Report Posted June 19, 2003 Your problem is you're asking that question 28 years too soon On your fiftith birthday, look back at your life and ask yourself, "How did I get here?" Or you're going about life the wrong way. If you can't say for sure where "There" is, don't go there, or you might find yourself going in the wrong direction. Let life take you there. Just amble through life, doing things that you like, that interest and stimulate you. Focus more on enjoying the journey rather than powering towards the destination. The only problem with this method is if it works, before you know it, your entire life has flashed before your eyes, you're sitting in an old wooden rocking chair, relating tales of your wonderful life to your grandkids, with nothing left to do but die in your sleep, a satisfied and well earned rest after your wonderful life
Recommended Posts