Sorciere Posted June 10, 2003 Report Posted June 10, 2003 How do you tell a young child His father’s gone away How can you take the burden His heart will feel that day The burden of the longing To feel his hugs once more The pain he now has knowing Dad won’t come through the door He searches hard to find now Some comfort in his mom But she is broken also Her grief has struck her dumb She nurses him so closely Not knowing what to say Her tears fall on his small face Washing his own away Two older children come now And four are in the hall All holding to each other In case the others fall Their strength is in their number Their grief is so immense They feel there’s no tomorrow Nothing now makes sense The mother holds her head up Her tears still warm and wet She strokes the heads below her And feels no more regret The beauties in her presence Are all part of her love She knows he will protect them From painless skies above
HopperWolf Posted June 10, 2003 Report Posted June 10, 2003 tragic. I like the rhyme scheme and rhythm, it is one i feel has a child like simplicity (which is good) which adds to the feel of the poem.
Parmenion Posted June 10, 2003 Report Posted June 10, 2003 Well I already said this via IRC about this poem and its stands - thats eactly how I feel (and I just have to post it since its a public view too)... * Parm^idle stands awkwardly with jaw hanging open * Parm^idle is speechless wow I mean this seriously hun, that is most definitely as good as anything any of the would-be greats has written that I have ever read what did i do now? you did something that generally doesnt happen you surprised me =) lol thats an absolute classic with which one? it has perfect rythym and such an endearing story! um they different ones? oh lol lol yes i clicked the last one ahh the grieving The grieving yes In short I think this is just one of the most truly amazing and touching pieces I have ever had the privelage to read. Thank you Sorciere for a peek at genius
Sorciere Posted June 12, 2003 Author Report Posted June 12, 2003 I have to be honest, this praise overwhelmed me. This poem I wrote quickly but it has so much meaning behind it for my family and is probably the only time I've tackled a family event that did not directly involve me. Thankyou
smallscale_mind_games Posted June 12, 2003 Report Posted June 12, 2003 Wow...so well-written. You put a helluva lot of emotion in this one... *embarrassed* It actually made me cry
Sorciere Posted June 14, 2003 Author Report Posted June 14, 2003 Sorry to make you cry. I promise next time I write a tearjerker I will leave kleenex for all. /me bows out quietly
reverie Posted June 14, 2003 Report Posted June 14, 2003 (edited) Hi there, in reading over your poem, I noticed your particular style could be well suited to a bit or dialogue here and there. I'm not saying rewrite you poem... It just seems to me, that you have the potenial to draw out and personlize the emotions of your characters... and small dashes of dialogue used just so, could be one tool to achieve this... For Example stanza 4,5, and 6 below, remind me of the way you wrote your poem. Dudley Randall (1914-) Ballad of Birmingham (1969) (On the bombing of a church in Birmingham, Alabama, 1963) "Mother dear, may I go downtown Instead of out to play, And march the streets of Birmingham In a Freedom March today?" "No, baby, no, you may not go, For the dogs are fierce and wild, And clubs and hoses, guns and jails Aren't good for a little child." "But, mother, I won't be alone. Other children will go with me, And march the streets of Birmingham To make our country free." "No, baby, no, you may not go, For I fear those guns will fire. But you may go to church instead And sing in the children's choir." She has combed and brushed her night-dark hair, And bathed rose petal sweet, And drawn white gloves on her small brown hands, And white shoes on her feet. The mother smiled to know that her child Was in the sacred place, But that smile was the last smile To come upon her face. For when she heard the explosion, Her eyes grew wet and wild. She raced through the streets of Birmingham Calling for her child. She clawed through bits of glass and brick, Then lifted out a shoe. "O, here's the shoe my baby wore, But, baby, where are you?" ------- Just an observation, feel free to ignore... revery the dreamlost "we suffer in the shudder of the smallest glismpe..." the dream continues... Edited June 14, 2003 by reverie
Sorciere Posted June 15, 2003 Author Report Posted June 15, 2003 Thank you for your comments and they certainly won't be ignored. If I didn't want observations, advice and ideas I would keep these things in my notebook I really liked the poem you posted as an example and I have toyed with the use of dialogue in other works, but it never crossed my mind writing this to be honest. I'm interested as to how I could make it work with this one and will give it some thought tonight, maybe adding several 'dialogue' stanzas to slot into the current ones, like your example, as I'm not sure I want to alter those already written (although never say never). Something for me to have a go with, thanks for your input!
reverie Posted June 15, 2003 Report Posted June 15, 2003 (edited) oh, i was never saying change it... what I see and interperet(can't spell,sorry), can never be the same as what you hear in your head when you write... so don't go destroying it on my account... hmm, but you can always create variations on you theme... like different chapters in a book... or movements in a symphony... a different aproach/perspective or stuff like that... who knows, you might just create some unexpected splitter poems off of it...(gotta love the splitter poem...) revery the dreamlost "fun, fun" the dream continues... Edited June 15, 2003 by reverie
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