Sorciere Posted June 8, 2003 Report Posted June 8, 2003 I run and I hide and I cannot abide All the pain in the wait and the ‘getting it straight’ Through your eyes I can’t see are you craving for me? Is this love or just lust, is it you I can trust? You’re sure of youself, is it conscience or wealth That keeps you so high, while I slowly die? I want to reach out but I still have the doubt Of the look in your eyes, still scanning for lies So pardon my leave as I’m running to breathe I'm still so unsure, I must know you more….first.
Parmenion Posted June 10, 2003 Report Posted June 10, 2003 Liked the rythym but would have enjoyed this being longer. It was probably my being dumb but I thought it flowed but was seeking a point. /me likes his points. /me cries for being too silly to see it.
Justin Silverblade Posted June 11, 2003 Report Posted June 11, 2003 Mmm, tasty. Wonderful poetry, thank you for posting. I echo Parmenion in the idea that, if the writing style was the same, I could read a poem a hundered times as long and be equally delighted. However, I found that it rounded to a conclusion nicely. Thanks so much for sharing, I enjoyed it immensely. - Justin
WrenWind Posted June 11, 2003 Report Posted June 11, 2003 i like it also but found the last line a little out of sync but maybe that's just me . *Hugs*
Sorciere Posted June 12, 2003 Author Report Posted June 12, 2003 Let me explain my thinking behind this one so it seems a little clearer, maybe hehe. When I read the poem it runs, very fast to me, like the nerves of someone wanting to fall in love, feeling all the excitement that brings and also all the nerves that come with it too, especially if you've fallen in love before and got burned. You wonder if this person is for real, or if they are too going to betray your heart and all these thoughts race through your mind, much as the poem tends to do, for me. The last line, is purposely altered to bring you to a dead stop. It was intended to stop the rush of words quickly and cleanly and leave your head buzzing. Obviously, not everyone is going to read the poem as I do and hear it as it sounds in my head, but just to let you know the the last line not quite fitting the rest was an intentional thing and not me losing the plot hehe
Ayshela Posted June 12, 2003 Report Posted June 12, 2003 *nod* i did read that as a deliberate shift in direction. i'm glad to know that was correct.
reverie Posted June 14, 2003 Report Posted June 14, 2003 I like it... but would have played would the structure more... maybe a comma here or there... but over all good stuff rev...
Sorciere Posted June 15, 2003 Author Report Posted June 15, 2003 Thanks! I can see where commas could be used to alter the structure of it, but I'm afraid it would also affect the speed of the poem, which I wanted to rush by you to give the feeling of excitement, as you tend to get when you think you're in love.
reverie Posted June 15, 2003 Report Posted June 15, 2003 sokay... was just a my take... (i'm a structure buff, can ya tell...?) oh, hypens could work too... there like comma...'cept they don't pause... rev...
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