Anonymous Pen Member Posted June 8, 2003 Report Posted June 8, 2003 I cannot stand this anymore A dozen equations lie all over the floor Key to a future, my mind cannot take This dark fantasy I cannot escape My senses are dull, I cannot think straight A visage of corpses, across my mindscape To pale cold lips, my body aches This, I desire. The world I forsake. Never sadistic, these fantasies mine A moment of pain, though none would be fine The end is what counts, shell empty of life Mine for the picking, your body so fine. Back into focus, does the room snap Thread of thought broken, I turn the page back Five minuites later, I'm drawn off again Back to the perversions that my mind made. What kind of human, have I become? To want defilement of what god has done? Am I so flawed, or am I so weak? Unable to bring about the change that I seek? Maybe. . . Some things cannot change And I fear this is one So I'll bury it instead Bury it deep, from the outside world. __ I choose to post anonymously as to not interfere with any relationships I may have with you. I fear that I have much to lose, but I feel I have to vent this. Thank you
Illianna Wolfsong Posted June 8, 2003 Report Posted June 8, 2003 To Anonymous, in recognition of your pain. It is so normal to hurt. The body and mind ache from time to time in ways we cannot ever fully understand. Although it would be wonderful to never have thoughts of how great a relief it must be to end such pain... I would imagine that to one degree or another, most people have had such thoughts. Your courage and bravery to reveal such thoughts and feelings is not lessened by absence of your identity. Your concern for those that these words might worry is well thought out, and touching. Are you some twist of the human creature? Flawed? Weak? Less equipped to facilitate change and growth in your life than most others? No. You are human, and as such, prone to errors in judgment, times of stress, and even varying degrees of productivity... and with them, blessed and cursed with the full spectrum of emotion that we are capable of feeling, from it's heights, to it's deepest chasms. Perhaps this soul we base ourselves upon is not a pristine and inexaustable energy, but a roiling melange of all possible aspects of self. I applaud you for sharing this before it's burial. Your words capture distress and helplessness exceptionally. I hope that in sharing them, you feel less burdened by the emotions that inspired them. ----------------- If beyond poetic melancholy, this is something you feel unable to overcome, please do confide in the comfort of someone who cares. Don't try to bear something too great alone.
Peredhil Posted June 8, 2003 Report Posted June 8, 2003 what she said. Hugs them both It's okay to be human - the glory is striving to overcome the built in flaws and limitations. It's pretty neato when you succeed, but that's optional.
Ayshela Posted June 9, 2003 Report Posted June 9, 2003 thank you. i wouldn't have dared to ask it here, but since you did - if you find the answers you seek... would you point me in their direction? :-\ please? i've not yet figured out how to be what i so desperately wish to be - something other than what i intrinsically am - and cannot bear the prospect of continuing to make things worse in the attempt to make them better. if you find your way... leave a trail behind you?
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