Vlad Posted May 30, 2003 Report Posted May 30, 2003 Days go by, Oozing past me, Time slows today. But today will never end, Life being sucked out- Enegry is lacking. Don't know how, This could've happened. But I just feel oh so very- Tired.
Ayshela Posted May 30, 2003 Report Posted May 30, 2003 i really like this! the short line length, as if you haven't the energy even to continue the thought in one mental "breath" - by the last full line you can feel the exhaustion.
Tralla Posted May 30, 2003 Report Posted May 30, 2003 This IS good. A suggestion: If you want to really draw out the exhaustion at the end of the poem, give "oh" "so" and "very" their own lines... oh so very- tired or, oh so very- tired. Tis just a suggestion to play with... No need to listen to my ramblings... Spacing is a great way to get across what you're trying to express.
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