Damon Inferel Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 (Stupid SOL's... I don't get to see my ashke during lunch... but the thought of her walking in right now is a little comforting...) Loneliness is a troubled soul A poor thing who pays not his toll So many problems and so much strife A lonely person is me A second thought and still one missed A thing so pitied but never kissed Time is sad justice to life A lonely person is me A mind so boggled in confusion Happiness is but a mere delusion There is something hidden beneath A lonely person is me So many things to be odd feelings The recoil from all in many harsh dealings But loneliness must take up it's sheath No longer lonely is me (Mrowr... 'kissed doesn't mean anything... it's symbolic for something that i don't get... I just made it up...)
Peredhil Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 This is hauntingly good in its way. Nice off-the-cuff poem. Don't sweat the SoLs too much. I know you, and you're much smarter than you give yourself credit for. Like the monkey who swallowed the grapefruits said, "These too will pass." Hugs -Peredhil
Parmenion Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 Monkeys can talk? <_< I enjoyed this, ty for sharing!
Peredhil Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 Monkeys can talk? I'm afraid my only reference is nobody of consequence...
autumn_sun Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 =sigh= ANOTHER heart wrenching, tear jerker from the almighty Neko Boy. =smiles= I like this...as well as all your other stuff....I'd really love to see your stuff published one day, but I know how fregin self concious *you* can get. [i have a hard enough time posting things here on the Pen. ]
Elwen Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 *smiles* I'm speechless, ashke. This is a wonderful poem...you are a born lyricist. *runs off to read her beloved's other work*
Alaeha Posted May 27, 2003 Report Posted May 27, 2003 Well... If you don't mind a suggestion or two, I've got a couple... The line "Happiness is but a mere delusion" seemed a bit rough to me, and I found myself rephrasing it mentally to (alternating between the two) "Joy is but a mere delusion" and "Happiness a mere delusion". Your thoughts on the matter? The other thing is just a matter of grammar, mostly, though it does seem to alter the flow slightly... It seems to me that the phrase "A lonely person is me" is incorrect... While it is true that me is, while I am, in this case I think that you need "I", rather than "Me". (And you might try altering the rhythm somewhat by reading it with "one" instead of "person". The altered line would read "A lonely one am I" But if you weren't looking for suggestions/criticism, please unread the previous lines. I really liked this... I sympathize, and the mechanics of it were handled much better than some published works... Anyway, I'll give the thread to whoever wants to use it at this point, with my apologies for letting my inner critic loose upon you.
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