smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 Author's Note: It is indeed supposed to be singsongy. I think it's the first storytelling poem that I've ever written. It pertains to a story that I have yet to post, so chances are that the things that don't make sense (Why is there a crystal in his ear?) will become clear in time A figure entered Whose vision made me seethe His presence made the room so cold That it was hard to breathe I slowly turned to face him Instincts screaming "Fight or flee!" A shadowed sheen encased him But his eyes burned straight through me He gripped me by the shoulders With hands of fractured glass My mind numbed and went colder As he buried me in frozen ash Now I have awoken Crack'd the crystal in my ear Broken words it's spoken I'm chained and bringing up the rear Now my eyes are dulling It's easier to act than be One question plagues me, sullen "Does anyone remember me?"
Guest squashai Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 200 Rupies! Very nice! I have some suggestions.. A figure entered <-- Since it is not intended to rhyme, it could be "In entered a figure"... Whose vision made me seethe <-- Sorry, but I prefer ending the previous thought more abruptly by begining this with "His". Do you agree? His presence made the room so cold <-- Take out "so" That it was hard to breathe <-- "It's pressure made it hard to breathe" I slowly turned to face him <-- "Slowly I turned; facing him Instincts screaming "Fight or flee!" <-- "silently screaming"? A shadowed sheen encased him <-- My dictionary must be old; it says "sheen" is shineiness... ^_- (How about "shadowed mist enveloped" instead?) But his eyes burned straight through me <-- (Not too much you can do with this, should you want it to rhyme and still hold its structure.) He gripped me by the shoulders <-- "gripped" for "grasped"...? With hands of fractured glass <-- Uh... "fractured" for "shattered"? My mind numbed and went colder <-- "thoughts faded, my ming going colder"... As he buried me in frozen ash <-- "As" for "while" (making it more continous) Now I have awoken <-- Use a contraction.. Crack'd the crystal in my ear <-- "cracking" Broken words it's spoken <-- remove the contraction? I'm chained and bringing up the rear <-- Use a redundant phrase: "Captive and chained, I'm bringing up the rear" Now my eyes are dulling <-- I guess you could remove "Now"... It's easier to act than be <-- I don't understand what you're going for here... One question plagues me, sullen <-- Is the only reason you used "sullen" because it rhymes (somewhat) with "dulling" XP "Does anyone remember me? <-- NC I felt that rather than a half-assed crit, I would give you something that you could work with. With at least this much, I figure that you should be able to improve it if even just a little. BTW, are you that _strange_ girl that hangs out with the short girl that always wears a trenchcoat? Naw, you couldn't be.. XP "No, really. There's no need to thank me ..."
autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 (edited) @Merry: Does this have ANYTHING to do with any rpg running currently? For some odd reason, it makes me think of that Charles guy who..uh...attacked [to put it mildly] Sarah/Keye...=shrugs= It's n33t! I suck at critiquing things, unless they're really apparent [iE, sucky drawings.] @squashai=blinks slowly= this is some sort of inside joke that I'm not inside of...isn't it... Edited May 20, 2003 by autumn_sun
Guest squashai Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 @squashai=blinks slowly= this is some sort of inside joke that I'm not inside of...isn't it... I hope to God you don't mean the critique, but the thing about smalscale_mind_games's identity. O_o; Yeah, it is sort of an inside thing ...
autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 yeh...that...i know merry!! =waves pathetically= and I believe that i'm that weird little brat in the coat. -nods and scuttles away before her self loathing makes anyone near her want to shoot her in the head=
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Author Report Posted May 20, 2003 (edited) *stares glazedly at squashai* Yes I am, and you're that one dude. @Pip: and no it doesn't. It's the story I'm writing about Jafster. You'll see ^^ Edited May 20, 2003 by smallscale_mind_games
autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 OH!...ok....that guy has a big nose!! -looks @ squashi and screams- WHO ARE YOU?! -shakes him- ...ok...I WILL stop making this into a chat board...=really skuttles away=
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Author Report Posted May 20, 2003 A figure entered His vision made me seethe The pressure made the room so cold That it was hard to breathe I slowly turned to face him Instincts screaming "Fight or flee!" A shadowed mist encased him But his eyes burned straight through me He grasped me by the shoulders With hands of fractured glass My mind numbed and went colder While he buried me in frozen ash Now that I've awoken Crack'd the crystal in my ear Broken words it's spoken I'm chained and bringing up the rear Now my eyes are dulling It's easier to act than be One question plagues me, sullen "Does anyone remember me?" I used a few suggestions, finding that some would mess up the rhythim.
autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 (edited) =blinks= I dun know which one ish better...mebbe when I can see straight [as opposed to gay? ok, that was LAME] I'll do a better...thinger...review...yeh...that [thanks, autumn] Edit: Broken words it's spoken...what? I'm having a bit of a hard time following that line.... I know who that guy is now! He's that dude! who's friends with that other dude! Who kept saying my face was proportional...=twitches madly= and I thought hearing Shirley go on about the Doors was scary... Edited May 20, 2003 by autumn_sun
Parmenion Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 I think it was very nice of squashi to post the review and tips - I need them myself and am glad when people post. However, reading the poem without the eye of a critic, I found it to be most enjoyable as is...gah!...I just noticed that you changed it!! Well I like the story whatever way you finally decide it sounds in poem version.
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Author Report Posted May 20, 2003 Well I shall keep both versions in mind. Yeah, that one line is a bit awkward, isn't it? I'm working on it...
Guest squashai Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 -looks @ squashi and screams- WHO ARE YOU?! -shakes him- You really want to know? Okay, I'll tell you, but then I'll have to kill you ... ... I AM THE UBER-SEXY JOSHUA-XORRRRRR!!!!!!11 pH33r /\/\y 3\/1L 5|<1LL5!!! Um... Yeah.
autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 yeh! you! I can't place yer name with a face, but I'm sure I've seen you...grr....i hate being one of the only people NOT from whitman.
autumn_sun Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 dun matter. still hate it. cos sandburg is BAAAAAAAAD! =high pitched squeal immitating that of GIR=
Elwen Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 Very nice poem, Merry. And Pip, he's from Mount Vernon. You might have seen me, squashai-I hang around with those two or a tall boy and a long-haired bishounen in a trenchcoat. *smiles evilly because she has just ruined the joke*
Guest squashai Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 You may refer to me as Joshua, should you wish. Yes; I have seen all your group.
autumn_sun Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 =snorts= Lynne!! =finds the part about neko boy funny= I feel odd saying this [my morals are weird...is this a sin? =gulps=] but yeh...Lynne...yer b/f is a bishi. =blushes and runs away screaming= shout box anyone?
Cheyenne Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 I like the poem in its first birthing the best, it flowed and pulled you in...Very nicely done.
Wyvern Posted May 22, 2003 Report Posted May 22, 2003 I have two commentaries to give, one on Smallscale Mind Games' poem and another on Squashai's critique. I'll start with Smallscale's poem... This untitled poem is a very well written and intriguing piece of work. Your uses of rhythm and rhyme schemes are both well executed, and the story depicted in the poem is intriguing. The one place where I feel there's a slight slip in rhythm is the line "As he burned me in frozen ash..." A possible way of correcting this might be to change it to "As I was burned in frozen ash." Overall, like Cheyenne, I prefer the original version over the editted one... I can't wait to read the story connected to the poem, and think two potential titles to this work could be "Crystal Shards" or "Fallen." Now, though I normally don't do this, I'd also like to comment on Squashai's critique of the poem. While I admire the effort to try to aid the author in developing the poem, I feel that this criticism is poorly fabricated and quite subjective. The principal problem with the critique, in my opinion, is that it's based largely on personal taste and is over-critical. There is no need to critique every line, as simply pointing out any things that struck one as out of place in the poem would be sufficient. If the poem was editted in all of the ways detailed in the criticism, I feel that it would become a different work entirely, as it would be more of a "Squashai poem" than a "Smallscale Mind Games poem." In addition, the final inside jokes and personal references (i.e "BTW, are you that _strange_ girl that hangs out with the short girl that always wears a trenchcoat? Naw, you couldn't be.. XP") as well as similar personal comment posts by others after it are out of place on the Pen boards, and are best reserved for e-mails, Personal Messages, and the Pen's Shoutbox. Just my thoughts...
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 22, 2003 Author Report Posted May 22, 2003 Thanks for your thoughts, Wyvern! Actually, you misread, it says "Buried me in frozen ash", which has a different number of syllables than "burned", which is why you may have stumbled over the rhythim. Thanks for your comment, Cheyenne! I'm definitely thinking of keeping it the way it was originally.
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