autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 [[another disclaimer. ugh...ok...lesse...my best friend {merry} nearly got mowed down today by some jack [-censored-] in their car today...it scared the heck out of me, since i was standing right in front of her. ]] It was a Tuesday Just like all the others we were walking home Talking about nothing imortant what our friend said about that and what we would do if this happened Out of nowhere he came 0 to 60 5 seconds we never saw it A scream Squealing tires Time stopping for a moment her body falling to the ground Everything suddenly turning upside down In 5 seconds No response, just the freaked out voice of the stoner He paces, someone nearby calls an amulance I start screaming, my fists clenched Everything a blur A sympathetic, It'll be ok, dear comes from the right Sirens wailing to my left But it won't, it never will be in 5 seconds she was taken away in 5 seconds everything ended in 5 seconds I died with her In 5 seconds
Blondemoon Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 Very creepy, and very sad as well. The end part started to bring tears to my eyes. And the sympathetic "It'll be ok" that comes in every situation like that nearly kills...because with something like that, you know that it won't be ok, ever again. *quietly applauds* (Glad you and your friend are ok....there are lots of crazy drivers out there)
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 That random friend who was nearly mowed down was me. It was some person in a volvo or a volkswagon. Weird that I should remember, since I hardly even saw the car, considering IT ZOOMED BY ABOUT TWO INCHES FROM MY LEFT HEEL! *pant pant* that was F-ing scary. Anyway, really neat poem.
Sorciere Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 Very strong poem in my opinion, makes you think how easily things change out of your control. well done.
autumn_sun Posted May 20, 2003 Author Report Posted May 20, 2003 Pip loves comments! *huggles everyone who commented= Yay! =gets peed on by her guinea pig= er....
Vlad Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 I like the repetetive use of "5 seconds" really created an image for me.
ImmortalGrace Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 that brings back memories... sigh. my bf about 2 years ago got killed by a drunk driver who cut through his yard. very good poem though. *thumbs up*
autumn_sun Posted May 21, 2003 Author Report Posted May 21, 2003 =frowns= I...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad....
Cheyenne Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 All good poems have the ability to make a person feel. If it does nothing, then what is good about it? I really like this, it made me feel. Thankfully I have no bad memories of anyone dying in a car wreck to bring forth. Great job! Thank you for sharing.
Nobody of Consequence Posted May 21, 2003 Report Posted May 21, 2003 Firstly - I liked this. I emoted in response, and IMO, that's what a good poem makes ya do, makes ya feel. Secondly - a minor niggle (sorry!) "A scream Squealing tires Time stopping for a moment her body falling to the ground Everything suddenly turning upside down In 5 seconds" I'm not sure if using 'time stopping for a moment' in a paragraph with so many verbs really works for me. It is a minor thing, but maybe 'time slowing/screeching to a halt' or something else along those lines might be a bit more effective? Maybe, maybe not. Don't pay me any attention.
Damon Inferel Posted May 22, 2003 Report Posted May 22, 2003 Death is so comforting... eep! I shouldn't have said that... um... really good image poem though. Note: Even when I shouldn't say something, I think it's best to express your thoughts... unless they'll gwt you killed. So, I say what's on my mind unless i'm actually talking to someone... Again, pip, very good, stupendous, miraculous, great, terrific, pleasant, applaudable, sensational, riveting, grand, extraordianry, ginormous... poem.
autumn_sun Posted May 22, 2003 Author Report Posted May 22, 2003 (edited) Death is so comforting... ....I'm not sure how or what I should say to that... really good image poem though. Again, pip, very good, stupendous, miraculous, great, terrific, pleasant, applaudable, sensational, riveting, grand, extraordianry, ginormous... poem. Thankees much!! You've just made my self esteem go up a few points. ^.^ Edited May 22, 2003 by autumn_sun
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