Guest squashai Posted May 19, 2003 Report Posted May 19, 2003 Metaphysical Equilibrium -------------------------------- How does one break The never-ending surface Of the water? Is it impossible? The land dwellers mock Those condemned to the sea, Yet their ancestry Shares the same roots. Once, their truth was restricted To the limits of the oceans, But then they were brought graciously Out of their covering. How do we escape The sea of lies? I want to breathe the truth, Feel its purity Waltz upon my lips. Give me air. Let me breathe. I find that I often write poetry with solid, and even tangible symbols and ideas, rather than leave my sentences as open ideas. This may work, but, for me, it leaves an essence of what I consider great poetry out. The fluidity is not there. Comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Mnph...
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 Fluid? *is drenched in a deluge of water* flows well enough for me. There isn't a single thing wrong with concrete metaphors. And I happen to like this poem.
Gwaihir Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 From a light beginning grows a serious end. Interesting .
Guest squashai Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 I long for the sweet revalation so gracefully joined with the pain of a critique. Rip away, while I still want to edit it! Thanks.
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 *humms lightly and reads the poem a good six more times* Yet their ancestry Shares the same roots. Sounds just a little awkward...try shuffling it around, deleting unneccessary(sp?) words... But then they were brought graciously Out of their covering. I find that sentence odd-sounding and a bit distracting. It snags you away from the rest of it. They're only suggestions, 'tis your stuff to do what you like with, so you can take them, or not.
Guest squashai Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 Metaphysical Equilibrium --------------------------- How does one break The never-ending surface Of the water? Is it impossible? The land dwellers mock Those condemned to the sea, Yet it is one womb From which they are birthed; They are family. Once, their truth was restricted To the limits of the oceans, At the arrival of their time, They were graciously replanted, In the vastness of the forest. How do we escape The sea of lies? I want to breathe the truth, Feel its purity Waltz upon my lips. Give me air. Let me breathe. Praise the Lord! Someone understands me! Okay, allow me to explain my thought process. When I write, it is almost always for someone else (usually my English teacher). If it is not, I most likely will not share it. By putting it up here, I do two things. I accept that it can and may be commented on, and I also (hope to) make it known that [the piece of writing] is intended to cater to the imagination of my readers. That being established, not only do I accept critiques and comments, I welcome them. The point of me seeking your advice is to see how other people, without my perspective, understand my creation. If you don't understand it or if it doesn't flow for you, it will not get its message across. That is counterproductive. By seeing your suggestions, I can mold what I have come up with into something acceptable by all people's subconcious (YES, IT IS SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING I'M AFTER!!! XP). So, in conclusion, thanks very much for the critique; I have put your insight to good use, and hopefully it helped..
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 20, 2003 Report Posted May 20, 2003 Much smoother. Glad to have helped.
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