Man in the Clouds

[Annael]

Okay, after the encouraging words of Aardvark, "Post the bloody story. Then post the corruption," I've decided to do just that. This is a story that I had to write as a final assignment for my English class in college. The first one is my original story. And by god, I like it! hehe The second one is the same story, just 4 drafts later. Each draft was given to each student and they made suggestions for the revisions. I remember one of my classmates wanting me to make Jessie an alien....but meh. So here we go. And yes Wyv, I do write. Did I tell you about my children's book???? As me later. Here we go.

 

Man in the Clouds

 

Jessica sat in her seat at the back of her college class. From this position, she could clearly see through the window. Jessica didn’t know what to do with her life. Just yesterday, the doctors had told her that they didn’t know if she would last for another six months. On the other hand, it could be another sixteen years before she gave up the struggle with her cancer. Jessica had refused chemotherapy, deciding that it was up to God to choose when her time to leave the world was.

Leaning forward in her chair, she stared out the window. The clouds fascinated her. As a child, she would lay on the grass in her backyard and stare at the sky for hours. Sometimes she still did. Today, she could see bunnies hoping over a low hedge, and an eagle floating through the sky. Sighing, she turned her attention to the front of the class.

Philosophy was one of her favourite classes, but she could tell the other students thought that she was weird. She hadn’t told many people that she was dying, and to those who didn’t know, her casual acceptance of life and death seemed from ignorance. Usually the teachers would leave her alone. As long as she did her work and everything was handed in on time, they wouldn’t call on her to speak in class. This worked fine for Jessica. Naturally shy, she didn’t enjoy speaking in front of a group of people, even if it was from the back of the class. Her reluctance to speak in class added to the rumors that circulated about her. She did nothing to stop them either. What did she care if they called her a freak, or made fun of her?

Pulling the sleeves of her black turtleneck down over her frail wrists, she propped her elbows on her desk and shook her head. The professor, Mr. Nicholas noticed the movement of her head, and asked her what she thought.

“What did Nietzsche mean when he said, “God is dead,”?”

“Nietzsche just meant the God no longer played such a major role in the lives of people and that no one was to blame for that but ourselves.”

“Good, good. But I see that there is still some confusion on the faces of your classmates. Perhaps you could explain it more to us.”

“Well, Nietzsche claimed that he was the first to have “discovered” the death of God. He meant that the idea of God has lost its full creative force, its full power. Science and technology are usurping God’s place in people’s lives. Nietzsche prophesied that we will discover that we no longer have ultimate faith in God; our true faith is in scientific and technological progress.”

“Exactly. Well done Jessica. Now, does everyone understand? Good. Okay, for your homework…” Jessica tuned out the teacher’s voice and packed up her bag. She walked out of the class while he was still talking, slowly closing the door behind her. The hallways were empty since classes weren’t quite done. Walking quickly to avoid the rush, she left the college and stopped. Her black turtleneck made the heat from the sun even hotter. She let her head fall back, and just let the sun beat down on her face. Jessica straightened when she heard voices coming towards her.

“Guys, hold on a sec. I want to ask Jessica something.” A male voice drew her attention, and she saw that it was Lucas, who was in her Philosophy class. He was captain of the football team and school council president. He was not someone that would usually want to talk to her.

“Hi, Jessie. Do you mind if I call you Jessie?” Unusual for Lucas, he seemed nervous.

“No one calls me Jessie, but I don’t see a problem with you doing it.”

“Good…umm, I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m not doing very well in Philosophy and Professor Nichols said that if I don’t get my grade up, I’ll be kicked off the football team.”

“Let me guess, you want me to help you out, right? I’ll tell you right now, I’m not going to do your homework.”

“No, no, that’s not it. I want you to tutor me. I’ll pay you.” Lucas put his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders.

“Okay, I’ll help you. What?” Jessica laughed at the look on his face. “Did you think that I was going to say no?”

“Well, yeah, actually. You don’t seem like a very social person and I figured that you wouldn’t want to spend time with the most popular guy in school.” Lucas smiled and showed his dimple. “Come on, I’ll drive you home and we can work out when a good time is.”

Jessica looked at Lucas, and shook her head. With a small laugh, she followed him to his car.

 

The months passed by and Lucas and Jessica became good friends. She helped him with his schoolwork and he helped her enjoy life. Jessica refused taking money from him because she found that he made her laugh, something that she didn’t do very often.

Jessica confided in Lucas about her cancer. She didn’t do it because she wanted to, but because he heard an argument that she was having with her mother. When he questioned her about it, she told him that she was dying.

“I have terminal cancer. The doctors aren’t very sure how long I’ll last. I would prefer that you not tell anyone at school. Only the teachers and a few of my friends know.”

“Sure, I’ll keep your secret, Jessie. Why aren’t you taking chemo or anything?”

“If it’s my time to go, then it’s my time. I might seem selfish, but I don’t want to put myself through the pain and all the rest when I don’t really have a reason to fight.”

“I know what you mean. My father has cancer and he is going for chemo. The doctors told him that he only had a few months and it’s been five years. He has a reason to fight though, our family. Besides, you’re looking good without the treatments.”

“Why thank-you.” Jessica and Lucas shared a laugh, and they went back to studying for their final exam.

Lucas drove Jessica home from his house after they were done studying, promising that he would pick her up the next morning, as was their routine. They had gotten into the habit of driving to school together in the morning.

When Lucas arrived at Jessica’s house, she didn’t come out the door with a smile as usual. She didn’t come out the door at all. Concerned, Lucas got out of his car and rang the doorbell. Jessica’s younger sister, Michelle told Lucas that Jessica had been brought to the hospital late in the night. She was having problems breathing. After getting Jessica’s room information, Lucas rushed to the hospital.

Lucas found Jessica’s room with little difficulty, and stopped inside the door of her room. Jessica was lying in bed staring through the window at the clouds. She had tubes coming out her nose and arms. The only sound in the room was that of various machines beeping.

“Jessie?” Lucas asked softly as he walked into her room. Turning her head, Jessica smiled when she saw him.

“What are you doing here? You’re missing the exam?”

“Where else would I be except with my good luck charm?” Lucas asked as he pulled a chair from the corner of the room up next to her bed.

“What? You don’t need me there for you to take the test. You’ll do fine by yourself. If you leave now, you’ll be able to make it in time.”

“Jessie, stop it. I’m not going. I’m staying here with you.”

“But…”

“No buts. This is where I want to be. Besides, I called Professor Nichols and told him what happened. He said that we can make it up when you’re feeling better.”

“If I feel better. The doctors told me that they don’t think that I’ll last much longer.”

“Don’t listen to them. You’ll get better. You have to.” Jessica smiled, and turned her head to look through the window again. Lucas held her hand and watched the clouds with her.

 

In the next few weeks, Jessica’s hospital room no longer looked like a hospital room. Lucas had brought his stereo system from home and set it up so that Jessica could listen to her favourite music. Posters of rock-groups plastered the wall and a picture of Lucas and Jessica together sat on the table next to her bed. The nurses smiled when they saw Lucas walking down the hall carrying a large stuffed bear. It was wearing a leather jacket, a bandana and sunglasses.

“How is she today?” Lucas asked when he saw the head nurse, Susan.

“Doing much better. I’m glad that you managed to convince her to start chemo. Her hair has started to fall out, but she just laughs. You’re good for her, you know. She calls you her guardian angel.”

“Then we’re on equal ground. She’s my good luck charm.” Lucas said good bye to Susan and went to see Jessica.

“What’s that you got there? He looks like James Dean or something.” Jessica said when she saw the bear.

“Well, I saw it and thought about how great he would look next to the stereo, so I picked him up. Besides, he can keep you company while I’m at the my football games.”

“It’s the playoffs, right?”

“Yup. You’ve got two weeks before we get to the championship game. So, you better get well enough to come with me.”

“I don’t know, Lucas. Two weeks isn’t very long.”

“I know, but we can do it together. Oh yeah, Professor Nichols asked me to give this to you.” Lucas handed Jessica an envelope with her name typed on the front.

Taking the envelope, she opened it and read the letter inside. “Miss Reynolds, you have been official requested to act as valedictorian during this year’s graduation ceremony. How did I get chosen for this?”

“Well, we did the vote during school two weeks ago. You’ve made a lot of new friends since you started helping me. Actually, pretty much everyone in school knows who you are and your academic records are all most perfect, you basically won as soon as your name was listed on the ballot.”

“But Lucas, graduation is in what, two-weeks?”

“Yup, same day as the championship game. So, you’re going to be pulling double duty that day. You’ve gotta come to my game and cheer me on then go and give the speech a few hours later. Of course, you’ve gotta come to the dance with me. Julia called me and told me that she decided to go with her ex-boyfriend. You know, if the most popular guy in the school were to go to the graduation dance by himself, he wouldn’t look very popular know, would he?”

“Well then, the most popular guy in the school is going to have a bald date!” Jessica and Lucas laughed and starting to argue about what they were going to watch on TV that night.

 

The two weeks until the big football game and graduation flew by. Lucas couldn’t go and see Jessica that often because he had to practice for the game, but he called her every day, sometimes twice a day just to make sure things were going alright.

Jessica went for her chemo appointments and worked with her psychotherapist everyday so that she would be strong enough to last the whole day. The doctors told Jessica that she was doing remarkably well and that she could go home. Jessica told Lucas that she could go home. He gave a whoop, picked her up, and spun around.

“Now I know that we’re going to win the game tomorrow! This is the best news.”

Lucas was right. They did win the game the next day, and Jessica was on the sidelines cheering him on. When it was time for Jessica to give the valedictorian speech, Lucas was sitting in the front row, smiling up at her in encouragement. Jessica looked around at the crowd sitting on the very field that Lucas threw the winning touchdown on to win the football game. The sun shone brightly and birds flew chirping overhead. Jessica took a deep breath and steadied herself for the speech.

“In Philosophy class we learned that Nietzsche said that God is dead. I disagree. I think that God is very much alive and active in our every day lives. As most of you probably know, I’ve got cancer. I’ve been in the hospital for the past three weeks. Throughout the whole time I was in there, my best friend was with me every day. When he found out that he couldn’t be there, he brought me a teddy bear so that I wouldn’t be lonely. It’s because of him that I’m standing here before you right now. Before I met Lucas, I didn’t care whether I lived or died. Now I want to live. Lucas taught me that I have a reason to live for. My family, my friends, myself, and to make sure that the most popular guy in school has a date to the dance. I think that God knew that I needed help to deal with my problems, and He arranged for me to have Lucas as my friend.

We’ve finished school and are going on to different things. Hopefully each one of you will get a successful job in your chosen field, and will have a rich and rewarding life. But when things get to difficult for you to deal with by yourself, look at your friends and say thank-you to God. He’s given you the most precious gift you’ll ever get, and if you lose these gifts, you’ll be worst off then I ever was.”

As Jessica smiled and stepped back from the microphone, everyone clapped and cheered. Friends were hugging each other and crying. Lucas walked up onto stage and smiled.

“I told you that you could do it.” Lucas whispered as he hugged her. Smiling, Jessica hugged Lucas in return. As she looked over his shoulder, she could swear that there was a man in the clouds, smiling down at them.

[Annael]

And here's the 4th draft and the influence of cracked out, sleep deprived college students.

 

Man in the Clouds (Draft 4)

 

Jessica lay in her hospital bed, looking through the window at the clouds outside. She could see a bunny hopping over a hedge. The beep of the heart machine was the only sound in the room. The silence eerie in that weird hospital way. When Lucas opened the door, she couldn’t help but remember back to how they became friends.

 

Pulling the sleeves of her black turtleneck down over her frail wrists, she turned her head from the window. Shaking her head to make herself stop day dreaming, she tried pay attention to her Philosophy class. It was one of the few classes in high school that interested her. The professor, Mr. Nichols, noticed the movement of her head, and asked her what she thought.

“What did Nietzsche mean when he said, ‘God is dead’?” Mr. Nichols asked her.

“Nietzsche just meant the God no longer played such a major role in the lives of people and that no one was to blame for that but ourselves.”

“Good, good. But I see that there is still some confusion on the faces of your classmates. Perhaps you could explain it more to us?”

“Well, Nietzsche claimed that he was the first to have “discovered” the death of God. He meant that the idea of God has lost its full creative force, its full power. Science and technology are usurping God’s place in people’s lives. Nietzsche prophesied that we will discover that we no longer have ultimate faith in God; our true faith is in scientific and technological progress.”

“Exactly. Well done Jessica. Now, does everyone understand? Good. Okay, for your homework…” Jessica tuned out the teacher’s voice and packed up her bag. She walked out of the class while the rest of the students milled about talking to each other. The hallways were empty since classes weren’t quite done. Walking quickly to avoid the rush, she left the school and stopped beside a large oak tree in the courtyard. Her black turtleneck made the heat from the sun even hotter. She tilted her head back, and let sun beat warmly down on her face. Jessica straightened when she heard voices coming towards her.

“Guys, hold on a sec. I want to ask Jessica something.” A male voice drew her attention, and she saw that it was Lucas, from Philosophy class. He was not someone who would usually want to talk to her. He was captain of the football team and school council president. “Hi, Jessie. Do you mind if I call you Jessie?” Unusually for Lucas, he seemed nervous.

“No one calls me Jessie, but I don’t see a problem with you doing it.”

“Good…umm, I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m not doing very well in Philosophy and Professor Nichols said that if I don’t get my grade up, I’ll be kicked off the football team.”

“Let me guess. You want me to help you out, right? I’ll tell you right now, I’m not going to do your homework.”

“No, no, that’s not it. I want you to tutor me. I’ll pay you.” Lucas put his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders.

“Why do you want my help?”

“When you talk in class, which isn’t very often, you usually have something interesting to say.”

“You want my help because you think I’m interesting?”

“No, I want your help because you know what you’re talking about. There’s something going on behind that quiet mind of yours and I want you to share it with me.”

“What are your friends going to say with you hanging out with ‘The Freak’?”

“Some of the kids call you that because you just seem different from everyone else. You’re aloof. And I don’t care what they say, there still stuck in elementary school.”

“Okay, I’ll help you. What?” Jessica laughed at the look on his face. “Did you think that I was going to say no?”

“Well, yeah, actually. You don’t seem like a very social person and I figured that you wouldn’t want to spend time with the most popular guy in school,” Lucas said with a wink to show he was joking. “Come on, I’ll drive you home and we can work out when the best time to start studying is.”

With a small laugh, Jessica followed him to his car.

 

Over time, Jessica helped Lucas with his schoolwork and he helped her make friends in school and how to have fun. Going out for a drink and to the movies with a group of people became a regular thing.

Jessica confided in Lucas about her cancer. She didn’t do it because she wanted to, but because he heard an argument that she was having with her mother one night when they were going out

“Jess, you know what the doctor said. He wants you to take it easy. I don’t like you going out with Lucas until all hours of the morning!” Jessica’s mother yelled from the top of the stairs.

“I don’t care what the doctors say. I’m going,” Jessica said as she closed the door. When Lucas questioned her about it on the way to his house, she told him that she was sick and asked that he keep it quiet.

“Sure, I’ll keep your secret, Jessie. Why don’t you tell any of our friends though?”

“If it’s my time to go, then it’s my time. I might seem selfish, but I don’t want to put myself through the pain and all the rest when I don’t really have a reason to fight.”

“Well, I know that you’re not on chemo or anything. Are you on a different kind of medication?”

“No. I don’t want to take anything.”

“Jessie...”

Holding up a hand, Jessica cut him off. “Just leave it alone Luc. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Lucas shook his head and drove the rest of the way in silence.

Lucas started coddling her. If it was cold out he made sure that she was wearing a warm jacket and clothes even though it was spring. If she sneezed or coughed he would question her about how she was feeling, making their other friends start to wonder just what was wrong with Jessica. One day, he went too far.

“Jessie, I don’t think that you should go to Doug’s party tonight. I don’t like the sound of that cough.” Lucas cautioned as they finished studying for their final exam in a few days.

“What? You didn’t just say something that my mother would say, did you?”

“Well, yeah, I guess I did. Listen Jessie-”

“No, Lucas. I’m going.”

Lucas stared at Jessica, his blue eyes mirroring his concern. He reached out his hand and brushed her pale hair away from her check and tucked the strands behind her ear. He felt that her face was hot, and knew that he was right. She was sick.

Lucas drove a happy Jessica home from the party, promising that he would pick her up the next morning, as was their routine. The only problem was that Jessica wasn’t there.

 

Jessica blinked to clear her eyes and Lucas came back into focus, standing in the door of her hospital room.

“What’s that you got there? He looks like James Dean or something.” Lucas was carrying a teddy bear. It had on a leather jacket, a red bandana and a pair of sunglasses.

“Well, I saw it and thought about how great he would look next to the stereo, so I picked him up. Besides, he can keep you company while I’m at the my football games.”

“It’s the playoffs, right?”

“Yup. You’ve got two weeks before we get to the championship game. So, you better get well enough to come with me.”

“I don’t know, Lucas.”

“Hey, we can do it together. Oh yeah, Professor Nichols asked me to give this to you.” Lucas handed Jessica an envelope with her name typed on the front.

Taking the envelope, she opened it and read the letter inside. ‘Miss Reynolds, you have been official requested to act as valedictorian during this year’s graduation ceremony.’ How did I get chosen for this?”

“I don’t know how you missed it. We did the vote during school two weeks ago. You’ve made a lot of new friends since you started helping me. Actually, pretty much everyone in school knows who you are and your academic records are all most perfect. You basically won as soon as your name was listed on the ballot.”

“But Lucas, graduation is in what, two-weeks?”

“Yup, same day as the championship game. So, you’re going to be pulling double duty that day. You’ve gotta come to my game and cheer me on then go and give the speech a few hours later. Of course, you’ve gotta come to the dance with me. Julia called me and told me that she decided to go with her ex-boyfriend. You know, if the most popular guy in the school were to go to the graduation dance by himself, he wouldn’t look very popular now, would he?” Lucas winked as Jessica laughed.

“Well then, the most popular guy in the school is going to have a bald date!” They both laughed and starting to argue about what they were going to watch on TV that night.

 

The two weeks until the big day dragged by. Lucas couldn’t go and see Jessica that often because he had to practice for the game, but he called her every day, sometimes twice a day just to make sure things were going alright.

Jessica went for her chemo appointments and worked with her psychotherapist every day so that she would be strong enough to last the whole day of graduation. The doctors told Jessica that she was doing remarkably well and that she could go home. Lucas gave a whoop, picked her up, and spun around when he heard.

“Now I know that we’re going to win the game tomorrow!”

Lucas was right and they won the game. When it was time for Jessica to give the valedictorian speech, Lucas was sitting in the front row, smiling up at her in encouragement. Jessica took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. She could swear that there was a man in the clouds, looking down at her.

“In Philosophy class we learned that Nietzsche said that God is dead. I disagree. I think that God is very much alive and active in our every day lives…” Jessica’s voice trailed off as her world went black, and the ground rushed to meet her on her way down.

[Aardvark]

I almost cried, then I almost vomitted

 

What is wrong with this world?

[smallscale_mind_games]

The second one totally sucked. I really loved the first one though. But geeze...can I go kill the ppl who butchered it like that?!

[Alaeha]

*Grimaces* I've got to wonder about people like that... what were they thinking? Were they? The first one has, by far, the better ending. There are a few positive things about the second one, but the first is better overall. I really liked that one... It sounded kind of like something out of one of those "Chicken soup" books.

[Tamaranis]

I can see where improvements were made from the first to the second post. The editting process wasn't a waste, but the way you changed the ending outright, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

 

Sadly it might be the more plausible scenario, but it's maybe just a little bit too hard on the reader. Or is that what you were going for?

Edited May 19, 2003 by Tamaranis

[Annael]

Unfortunately, I didn't have a choice on the ending. I had to use the suggestions of the class, and that's what they said to do. I had to have her die. I wasn't saying that there weren't good things done with the editing, I was just saying that it's easy for your idea to turn into something completely different when other people start to give their impressions on it. "If you do this, it would make it better..." that sort of deal. Honestly, I had no intention of her dying. I wanted to show the triumphs of humanity. The ideas on "how to make it better" ruined my whole story. hehe. I still remember my professor asking the class, "what the hell were you guys thinking?" My story wasn't the only one that was ruined. One guy refused to finish the assignment. He said that he would rather fail then have a bunch of "ignorant fools ruin my work!" Ahh...the dramatics of writers. Always fun

[Jareena Faye]

Heh heh, I'd probably react the same way as that other guy. That might be why I'm so obsessed about my work. I wouldn't mind dying, it's the thought (while I'm here) that once that truck runs me over, somebody ELSE is going to finish my stories, and they'll do it all wrong!!

 

What was the point of this story-changing assignment?

[Annael]

The point was to write a story that would be edited by your peers. Final term paper. Worth 45% of your final mark. *shrugs* My proffessor is a published author. Maybe he just wanted us to go through what he does sometimes when he's coming up with ideas for new stories or something. I don't think that any of us actually asked what the whole point of the process was. We just knew that we had to do it to pass. Heh. Everyone's story ended up changing to some extent. Some more then others cause my classmates were baffons. hehe.