smallscale_mind_games Posted May 17, 2003 Report Posted May 17, 2003 It may be a bit too random to be acceptable, I dunno. I certainly enjoyed writing it, and I hope you get a laugh, or a chuckle, or a snorffle (or whatever it is you do by way of amusement-noises) out of it! CHAPTER ONE It was a glorious morning in the shire, and everyone was happy. It was just one of those days. One of those days where everything goes right. One of those days where everything is going your way. In other words, one of those days where everyone goes to a party and gets incredibly drunk/stoned. It was the 111th birthday of Bilbo “Mad” Baggins. It was also the coming of age of his nephew/cousin Frodo. What this “coming of age” meant was that Frodo would get incredibly drunk/stoned and make a complete ass of himself for the first time in his life. It also meant he had to provide cherry pies and scarily large amounts of cheesewiz and buttery little ritz crackers for the party. (zoom in on frodo paying for a few truckloads of cheesewiz…well, maybe more than a few) Frodo: right, $3000 and 50 cents. Sorry, no tips. Scary truck driver: O yeah? Wanna make something of it? (picks Frodo up by his shirt collar) Frodo: w-w-well…maybe I do! (he whips out his Shoppers Food Warehouse Super Savers Card) Scary Truck Driver: u-u-u-uhhhhh, sorry mr B-baggins….(puts him down carefully and pats him on the head, looking very white) (all the other truck drivers look at each other nervously as Frodo walks off) (Cut to Frodo in a dingy little bookstore owned by Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took, the best smugglers in the shire) Pippin: so what can we do fer youse, Frodo? Frodo: you got “101 ways to get incredibly drunk/stoned”? Merry: well now, it depends on how much money you got on ya Frodo: C’mon, didn’t I get you that illegal cheese? Merry: okay, okay, here you go. (hands frodo “101 ways to get incredibly drunk/stoned) Frodo: YES!!!! CHAPTER TWO- THE ANTI CHEESE COMMERCIAL Sam sighed. He had been so happy since he won that “Eat a lot of cereal and be a TV star” contest. His life had a new meaning. He had currently shaved his head and was dressed like a monk and wearing an extremely huge and ugly cross necklace which weighed about 5 pounds. (I have nothing against cross necklaces, but big and ugly ones are..well…big and ugly) Director: lights, camera action! (zoom in on a dimly lit hospital bed containing Fatty Bolger with cheese all over his face) Father Samwise: this is Fredegar Bolger. He is where he is today because he overdosed on…CHEESE (zoom in on Fatty) (zoom back to Father Samwise) Father Samwise: so unless you want to end up like Fredegar…don’t do cheese, IT’S THE DEVIL’S WORK! (end cheesy commercial. Pun intended) Fatty: I hate my life Sam: (a whole lot of hair grows back in a VERY short time) don’t worry, you’ll be cut out of the plot completely in a chapter or two Fatty: oh, that makes me feel GREAT… CHAPTER THREE- PARTY TIME IT was the eve of the long expected party. Many things that should have taken weeks happened at three-o-clock in the afternoon in a matter of minutes. Gandalf appeared with a lot of fireworks and a small charitable donation of some buttery little ritz crackers. Bilbo showed up for the first time this year, looking somewhat hung over. The sackville-bagginses made off with every spoon in hobbiton. A giant field was converted to a nightclub with a tree that flashed disco lights in the middle. Other than that, nothing much was happening, though a giant swarm of ants had taken over bywater. Night fell. Guards were posted at the nightclub to keep anyone underage from going in. they did a very good job… Little Hobbit Kid: (shows a ticket) Guard: yeah right, you're under 21. sorry, kid, you’ll have to sneak in the back. Everyone got presents, beer, cheesewiz, and lots of weed (even the underage ones). Bilbo started breakdancing on a table to the sound of terrible 70’s music. Frodo was now too stoned to read “101 ways to get incredibly drunk/stoned”. Bilbo: now frodo, its time for the coming of age ritual… Frodo: right. (gets up on the table and starts talking gibberish/singing/doing a really, REALLY weird dance) Everyone: (cheers) Gandalf: (sets off fireworks, successfully setting the club afire) Everyone: (shrieks) Bilbo: By the way, I like 20% of you better than the other ¾, which is a real shame because 2/7 of you deserve better. That’s all. Bye-bye now! (disappears) Frodo: whateva. Gandalf: (whispers to Frodo) You’re supposed to care Frodo: oh yeah…OH NO, BILBO’s GONE!!! Everyone: (who had up to now been blinking stupidly) AAHHHHHH!!!!! (all run about insanely) CHAPTER FOUR- HOLD THAT THOUGHT Frodo came running into bag end crying like a little girl because Gandalf had told him he was supposed to care. Frodo: Bilbo, Bilbo! Gandalf: (from behind him, even though he wasn’t there a second ago) he has gone… Frodo: he what? What the…how did you get here so fast? Gandalf: amtrack. (cough cough) I mean wizardry…. Frodo: riiiight… Gandalf: (looks a little embarrassed) anyways- Frodo: no “s” Gandlaf: WHATEVER! Anyway, Bilbo left you everything. Frodo: what everything? (both glance around Bag End and realize that it is totally empty, having been raided. Even the doors and windows are gone) Gandalf: well he left you this suddenly ratty looking tunnel and a gold ring…(he reaches in his pocket, only to realize that the ring is gone* OH CRAP!!! Frodo: not to worry, it is easily recovered. (trots off to talk to Merry and Pippin) (scene cuts to merry and pippin) Pippin: dude, look at this cool gold ring! Merry: damn, that looks valuable! Maybe we could get a hundred for it! Pippin: (puts it on. Disappears) whoa, this is a pretty cool ring! Merry: AAHHH! (flips out) (frodo walks up) Frodo: pippin, could i…wait where’s pippin? Merry: (gibberish) Pippin: (appears) yes? How may I help you? Frodo: (looks at him funny) I think you have a ring that belongs to me… Pippin: okay. (hands it back to him) (Frodo walks back to bag end) Gandalf: that was quick…(takes the ring) BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I AM RULER OF THE WORLD!!!! Frodo: uhhhhh…okay…(reaches for a phone to dial 555-YOU-NEED-HELP) Gandalf: (coughs) anyway…(hands the ring back to Frodo) keep it secret and keep it safe! Frodo: Gandalf…I…um… Gandalf: hold that thought, I’ll be back in a few years. (leaves) Frodo: riiiiiiight… CHAPTER 5: THE INTRO.4 CHAPTERS TOO LATE The scene opened on a beautiful summer afternoon, in a rather shifty establishment: The «Lor?enUniverse» theme park. There were Elves everywhere, contentedly riding roller coasters, blissfully unaware that they had been robbed of everything but the clothes on their backs. Yep, the various cons who liked to float around (Èowyn among them) stole the poor things' horses, and even the trees where they lived. They did it out of simple hatred for tourists, since there was no discernible use for all those trees. Maybe they'd eventually have a bonfire the size of Texas! (Fade in to the ?Galadriel's Mirror? roller coaster. Many happy bankrupt Elves pour out of the exit, Galadriel among them. They disperse until she is the only one left, standing in front of a roller coaster that looks like a giant birdbath. She clears her throat) Galadriel: (spooky portentous voice) The world has changed.(someone hands her a glass of water. She drinks it) I taste it in the water.(burps) I feel it in the earth.I smell it in the air.(sniffs) it's kinda like cheeseburgers. Much that once was is now lost. (Flashback to Galadriel's wedding ring falling down the shower drain in slowmo) Past Galadriel: oh CRAP! (cut back to present time) Galadriel: (still in that mystical voice) And now there will be another flashback.in color this time.spooky. (Cut to second age) Galadriel's voice-over narration (GVON): Once upon a time, an elf decided to make immensely powerful rings, for no readily apparent reason.three rings were for the elves, whose hands are disproportionately large. Seven were given to the dwarves, who couldn't wear them anyway because they had fat fingers. And nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who, above all else, desire cherry pie. But they were all of them deceived.because for some reason, this evil-looking guy who resembled a blender was allowed to watch. So he learned the secret of the rings of power, ignored the "do not try this at home" sign, and went to make his own master ring, which would rule over all the others by remote-control. And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, his will to dominate all life, and his dream of running the family pizza parlor. Slooooooooowly the shadow spread over the lands. (cut to rampaging orcs) GVON: But there were some who resisted. (Zoom in on Isildur, his father, and about five elves, Elrond among them. They all look pretty pitiful) (A HUGE army of about a zillion orcs rampages forward) (they fight. Somehow, the seven good guys triumph, though Isildur's father is killed. For some reason, Elrond is the only one who has broken a sweat in all this fighting.) (Sauron trots out of the Black Gate, wielding a mighty tunafish sandwich of doom) Isildur: um. GVON: then Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword. Sauron: ROOOOAAAR! (swings his sandwich) Isildur: EEK! (swings the sword wildly at Sauron, cutting off his finger. The sandwich falls on the sword, breaking it) (zoom in on breaking sword) oo! Cool ring! Elrond: nooooo, you must destroy it! Isildur: but then there wouldn't be an epic trilogy OR a 9 hour movie! Elrond: okay then. (looks a little annoyed because he doesn't get to do his sweaty, cape-fluttery Mount Doom scene) GVON: Isildur was ambushed by Rampaging Orc Casserole, left over from the battle. (Zoom in on Isildur, floating in a river with three forks stuck in his back) GVON: and for a couple hours, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Then some critters very much like hobbits wondered why there was a body in the water. (Cut to a couple little hobbit-like things, cleaning off a pair of forks. Isildur's body can be seen floating downstream) Smeagol: something's sparkling in the water, Deagol, go see what it is. Maybe it's another fork. Deagol: 'kay. (dives into the water) (comes back up, 20 minutes later) A cool gold ring! Smeagol: ooh! Give it to me! Deagol: why? I found it! Smeagol: because it's my birthday, Deagol dear, and I wants it. Deagol: I already bought you some cheese, and more than I could afford! Smeagol: um.oh well! I wants it anyway! I'm a nasty little booger, so I might just strangle you. Deagol: no! Smeagol: grrrr! (strangles Deagol) Deagol: Oh no! I appear to be dead! (hands Smeagol the Ring, then dies) (fadeout) GVON: And for two million years it poisoned his mind, turning him into a decrepit lizard thing surviving by slurping oatmeal through a straw.He eventually became so ancient that he had to get a prosthetic head, and now he can have toast, too. (Cut to Gollum, hissing happily to himself and pulling toast out of his ear) Gollum: My..precioussss (Takes a bite of toast and drinks some oatmeal) GVON: But then something happened that the Ring did not intend.the most unlikely creature ate it off the ground.it was Bilbo the hobbit, and he was starving. (Cut to Bilbo, snuffling along the cave floor, like a pig hunting for truffles) Bilbo: fish bones, fish bones.ewww, what is that?! GVON: then he spotted a glint of gold. Bilbo: crackers? (eats the Ring) Hmmm.a bit stale if you ask me.these rampaging orcs haven't got the best accommodations. GVON: Weeeeell.eventually they extracted the Ring from Bilbo's belly. Annoying Laugh Track: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GVON: Who put a laugh track in there?! GVON: Anyway.are you as bored as I am? Yeah? Good, let's get to the point: DOOM is on its way. (walks away) Author's Note: This lovely parody is only an expression of how much I love the Lord of the Rings. Also, it is a combination parody, of both the movie and the book. It's a PARODY, kids, don't eat me for inaccuracy.
autumn_sun Posted May 18, 2003 Report Posted May 18, 2003 =laughs uncontrollably= I don't remember reading the Galadriel bit...hm.....you should add the bit about it poisoning Gollum's mind and have a scene where he's watching MTV. =snort= anyway...DON'T DO CHEESE, IT'S THE DEVIL'S WORK!
Recommended Posts