My heart speaks

[Tattered]

NOTE TO READERS- I am not completly satisfied with this piece. I don't think I have captured the right emotions here. I think I will revisit this when my head is more clear.

I can honestly say I just broke through the denile today. I think about this jerk daily. Maybe that's because he owes me money or that he's best friends with my brother or one of the many reasons why he stabbed me in the back....I don't know you choose.

 

Suddenly it HIT me just earlier today

I caught myslef slipping into a world so far away

Just sitting all alone, in a crowd or any place

Doesn't really matter where, I still can't erase

I thought I'd convinced my heart until this day

I have to admit my heart speaks what my mind wont say

 

I have visited so many emotions dealing with you

From lust to love to joy to anger to blue

We just couldn't decide what we wanted to do

Finally you set me free, to be with someone new

I was so angry I didn't want to care about you

Silly me, only love seeds can sprout the anger I knew

 

I keep running through the memories of me and you

All the different things that I'd do

Can't seem to forget

Intrigued with this mystery

Just how bad would it get

I could've left you gracefully

But God knew that's not the way it would be

That first day I should've listened as he warned me

 

I wish I never met you all the shit you put me through

Thought I was over you I thought you were just a mistake

Everything happens for a reason even when hearts break

We went from okay to bad to okay

But even when we were good something seemed fake

God I pray thee from me this history take

 

It was all a show for everyone around to see

It was simply to fill the time until a better deal came to be

I thought I was done with the pain

But each time I try to move on it's the same

It's your arms and it's your face

No matter who it is I almost say your name

[Ayshela]

wow. there's a definite bleeding "ouch" here.

*hugs*

 

the first couple of lines have a definite rhythm to them that the rest does not follow with. did you *want* a flowing rhythm to this?

you could, if you wanted to emphasize the broken off feel of it, set your rhythm for most of the verse and cut the last line short.

or was the rhythm of the first two lines coincidental?

 

"you choose"?? i couldn't begin to. There's a lot of content here. i don't envy you the revision any more than i do the situation.

*hugs*

[Damon Inferel]

Meow... forgive me, as I am something of a void of emotions, but I quite understand. While I may not understand completely, being a guy and all, I do see the concept and the feeling portrayed.

 

Actually, I suppose I do understand, though I am one without experience. It's things such as this that lead us all to believe true love is a myth... even though it's out there. Forgive me if I don't sound as though I know what I'm talking about.

 

As far as critique, the rhyming was a little off later on, but I don't know the definition of any other actual literary terms, so I can only comment on the rhyme. A very emotional and creative poem though. Though you say you didn't quite get the appropriate emotions in there, I still understand...

[smallscale_mind_games]

"God I pray thee from me this history take"

Would have to be my favorite line. Keep it there please?

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Sacred are the songs that rise

from the broken places

of the heart.

 

Shards and fragments gather voice

lifting hymns in phrases

that mingle love with pain

and the present feel

of memory

with the bitter

taste of loss.

 

Wounded prayers are mighty prayers

spoken over bleeding hands

and fingers cut upon the edges

of shattered bits of life,

wordless prayers

proclaimed by hands

that will not lose

the smallest fragment

of the heart.

 

Tattered, a piece like the one you’ve written here springs from a pretty deep place in yourself. Simply bringing it into words is no small thing to do. There’s a lot here in terms of poetry, but more importantly in terms of feeling and I think you are wise not to be in a hurry to rewrite it. Coming to terms with what happens in the heart is a lot harder than improving a piece of writing, and a much more important thing to do. Keep writing by all means, but don’t worry about saying things perfectly, simply say what you find you need to say. A piece can always be improved down the road and sometimes when the writing springs from a raw and deep source one needs a bit of time to really understand what to do with it.

 

Take care of yourself,

Cyril

[Ayshela]

words of wisdom, indeed.