Parmenion Posted May 12, 2003 Report Posted May 12, 2003 This really needs a better title. I just don't name what I write usually 1 Monotony of the day sets in, With hope at dawn it did begin, But ends fatigued asleep in bed, Nothing accomplished, nothing gained. So what’s the purpose of it all? To fall in love? To love and fall? To excite the dullness by drinking beer? To watch TV and numb your rear? We the drones make it all tick, Led to believe that we have our pick, Of things we’d like to be while young, False pretences, futures unsung. By design or luck a few do rise, Out of the medium before their demise, Some remembered for ages after they die, Did fame or money bring them any joy? The picture of aims is painted as this, In youth we think more money is bliss, Another few pence, a quid, or a score, Status is measured like this by the poor. Simple treasures going to waste, By all but a few of our pitiful race, In times when Art is becoming contrived, And aesthetically pleasing to the popular mind. 2 Reborn, renewed – a new age doth dawn, The thinkers and players all face rising sun, All challenged now to try once again, Rebuilding a world from a deserted plain. All that was lost or forgotten through times, Struggling now not to re-peat old crimes, Human nature is such that not all will change, From the lowliest fool to the wisest of sage. But what of the reality that faces them now? Is this thing shaped on an individual brow? Or can it be that there is a common to all? Underlying form? Perception the squall? Starting as animals without any “norms”, Surviving within the Darwinian storm, The lessons forgotten will soon be relearned, Over lifetimes uncounted must victory be earned. Imagination of one called change to the fore, Popular culture want-ed something more, Envy and greed made all the rules, Commonplace man – unwitting mules. So what is needed to all flock together? Can they work as a team like birds of a feather? Would divisions exist if all was reset? Could things change if they were beset? 3 So why then deny these dreams we’ve forgotten? Can’t we remember why they were begotten? To face fate now with one final show, Facing onto the high as opposed to the low. The aim to discover life’s essence once more, Emerging from the crowd with a hollering roar, Allowing the masses below to subside, No doubt they’ll struggle to turn back the tide. Realise they must that only through grit, Though it seems hard for them to admit, That quality of being is a subjective gift, Our view of our world and how we uplift. So one man unhappy at night in his bed, A society believing the world is near dead, A threshold of power for both to decide, To make a decision or continue to hide.
Peredhil Posted May 13, 2003 Report Posted May 13, 2003 Meep! You do an AABB rhyme scheme every where but ... in the first stanza? I found myself inserting mental commas in lines, but I loved the implicit dry humor you show. This is an ambitious, sweeping piece, but I think it succeeds well with what you set out to do. One question - do you read your works aloud to yourself? I read this and found myself adjusting my syllables to try to fall into rhythms.
Parmenion Posted May 13, 2003 Author Report Posted May 13, 2003 Appreciate your comments - thats one reason I'm here to get better and refine anything I write. I'll think of a way to redo first stanza and other missing syllables. Englich is not my first language so some things that may sound okay in Gaelic don't always in English despite similarities. Thanks again and will continue trying to improve
Nyyark Posted May 16, 2003 Report Posted May 16, 2003 This is pretty cool, I really liked the line "To fall in love? To love and fall?" It has good rythem and repetition. Good job!
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