Psimon Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 A momentary lapse of reason (aka. Rage) **************************** Her flesh could not withstand the pounding of his fists. The wounds would raise demands, "How could it come to this!?" The red behind his eyes truly did destroy his sight But still the tears flowed freely as she lay still this night He had no recollections, Twas like a pure white page. Still he bore the consequence of his all-consuming rage.
Ayshela Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 i'd like to offer some sort of critique, but i can't get beyond the content. i've often wondered if the "what the 'ell happened to you?" was real, or feigned. perhaps it was real? hmm. (wanders away in a thoughtful daze)
Alaeha Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 Hmm... for the purposes of flow, I'd suggest that you change "twas" to "it was" in "twas like a pure white page". I've... got mixed feelings on this one... It's the whole "victim" thing, I think. The fact that someone regrets something doesn't necessarily excuse their loss of self-control, or the injuries they give another person... Particularly if it's someone they love... It's a good poem... (Sorry... I've a nasty little habit of posting my thoughts on stuff here, when they come up. I think it's because people don't take it you seriously if you're not an adult and you're talking about something like that face to face, so they can't forget the age difference... The "What would you know?" attitude)
Ayshela Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 personally, it never occurred to me that one less than technically adult would be unaware, unknowing, of some of the darker elements of life. Children of abusive households know - the pain and terror, the desperate trying to please, eventually how to become an abuser themselves because being like the abusive one lessens their portion of pain. you raise a good point, and one that i pondered and decided to leave unsaid at the moment, due to personal issues with the concept. However... Bearing the consequences is not the same as bearing responsibility. A child who now has no mother bears the consequences, while bearing no responsibility for someone else's act. Was there meant to be, implied or explicit, an element of responsibility borne for the murderous rage? Is the blank forgetfullness allowed to eliminate responsibility, leaving only the natural consequences? This is the only point of this whole, excellently done, piece, at which my mind rears up and says "umm, wait a minute".
Vlad Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 really good Psi... w00t Pink Floyd!! I like the poem and the emotion
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