Ayshela Posted May 3, 2003 Report Posted May 3, 2003 Three comments, two of which have to do with the first line: in the midst - of what?? of the crowd? of the mist? of a field of heather? of a broken civilization? in the midst of what? where the young die soon and the old don’t live past tomorrow somewhat confusing, as it sounds much like everyone is under an imminent death sentence. and yet, perhaps that's what you intended?? As for the rest - the only thing wrong with it is that it ended much too soon. i *especially* like this: a red pin on the mafia don’s map, a green one on the police precinct’s charts, and a big “X” in the minds of many
Kasmandre Posted May 3, 2003 Report Posted May 3, 2003 Very nice. You've really captured an underworld/criminal feel in just a few paragraphs. I can't wait for more/
Ozymandias Posted May 23, 2003 Report Posted May 23, 2003 I have to agree with Ayshela- "In the midst..." In the midst of somewhere the auhtor deosn't wish to define? Or is it "In the mist"? It's the only bit that confused me, because the rest seemed very metaphor-laced, and I took it as such. I'm hooked already, but get the feeling the actual story hasn't started yet. The stage is set, the players wait in the wings, and the audience waits in silent anticipation. More please!
Vlad Posted May 23, 2003 Report Posted May 23, 2003 yea, umm... whenever I try to write, nothing comes out that can follow up the begining. sorry, but it might be a bit slow now...
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