Role-playing 101

[Brute]

Are you having problems getting people to play with you? Do teammates in a rp session tend to kill you first, then turn their attention to the gruesome monsters, claiming confusion in the heat of the battle? When joining a rp session, do others tend to groan and try to rename your character to 'Ensign Expendable'? Well, then read on, for this course is what you need to become a role-playing star. Despite my utter lack of credentials, I've seen the pros in action once or twice, so I am fully confident I can teach even a slug to roleplay.

 

First thing's first. Pick a character. Now some of you may have a preference for mages, who can incinerate their opponents with spell. Nothing at all wrong with that. Those guys always get the really cool intros into rooms; appearing in flashes of light and such. Some of you may prefer the daring and dashing swashbuckler type of characters. Again, nothing wrong there. Those guys will almost always win the attention of the ladies. (Ladies, if that's your thing, well.... go for it!!)

And of course, we cannot exclude the staple of all fantasy characters, the sword-bearing, muscle bound ox of a man; the warrior. Warriors are simple and easy to operate, much like a firearm. Point it at something and kill it.

 

But Brute, you say, how do I chose? Well, why settle for just one, when you can have it all? Yup, you heard me. Combine all of it together and, taa-daa! Your new character will be able to appear in a puff of smoke, whip out his magical Destructo sword, chop the enemy about the neck and head, and save the damsel, all in about one paragraph.

 

Now, in order to get away with this sort of outright character injustice, you'll have to have a firm background. Either a night spent at the tavern or around the campfire telling all within earshot of your colorful past will probably do. Now this part is important, so pay attention. Your new-found role-playing buddies are gonna throw you an' yer character out unless you make the past good, so lie big, ok? Here's an average tale of character history to get you started....

 

 

"Where did I come from? Well, it's quite a tale, I must say," the massive barbarian says as he spins a golden coin across the backs of his knuckes. His eyes glow with an icy blue aura of mystical power as he recites the tale to his enraptured listeners. " It all began when I was but a lad. My parents were powerful mages who upon my birth, granted me mysterious powers that I can unleash in the form of bolts of lightning from my eyes. Then, one day, a horde of barbarians came to our house and killed my Mom and Pop, cause they were getting free premium cable channels without paying for them. They adopted me and trained me in their savage ways of war. I soon became a fierce and mighty warlord.

 

Once puberty hit, my voice changed and I escaped the barbarians to search for the meaning of love. While visiting a large city, I ran into some sailors who taught me some really good pick-up lines. I quickly tried them out and discovered that they worked with remarkable effeciency. I figured that was as good as I needed for love. Not much time passed before I heard rumor of an evil wizard who had kidnapped a princess. I journeyed across the land and defeated him inside his tower, which I kept as payment for the scratch he gave me in the battle. The princess had no choice but to fall helplessly in love with me, especially after I laid one of my smooth lines on her. In my spare time, I read the wizard's ancient and rare spell books." The barbarian's captive audience could barely imagine the level of heroism and bravery that he spoke of.

 

 

 

See??? That's the kind of stuff you'll need to include in your character history. Now I realize that that's a lot of stuff to write, but hey, to have character like that, it's worth every last lie!!!

 

 

 

(Next week's topic: choosing a character race. No elf jokes during class!)

[Tasslehoff]

OOC: Brute, that was fun.. I found it quite funny.. Good job. cant wait till next class

[Gyrfalcon]

*Gyrfalcon struggles to muffle his laughter in the back of the classroom*

 

OOC: Excellent work, Brute, as Tasslehoff said, I look forward to the next lesson.

[Peredhil]

Peredhil covers his face as Power-Playing 101 is unveiled... but muffles chortles of laughter escape his hands...

 

You're so clever. Why does this remind me of Doctor Evil somehow?

[Alaeha]

Beautiful... Absolutely beautiful. The sad thing is that I probably know people who aren't much more convincing than this in their character backgrounds.

 

Add me to the list of people looking forward to day two!

[SoaringIcarus]

Icarus smiles from beneath his ski-mask and thick cloaking layers as he exits the class stealthily. He wonders if anyone else always wanted to role play as a supermarket employee... Best not to ask that aloud, he thought to himself.

[Elwen]

I think this is the course "How Not to Roleplay 101", or a satire of a "How to RP" course...I hope.

[smallscale_mind_games]

Merry sneaks in the back, just in time to hear Proffessor B's lecture, and claps loudly at the end, feigning rapt attention. She hastily signs up for the next lesson.

[Lady Celes Crusader]

While Carbone was sleeping on a chair next to her's, Celes chuckles at the insane lesson.

 

I can't wait for the next lesson. Please Brute, unteach me

[Kasmandre]

I journeyed across the land and defeated him inside his tower, which I kept as payment for the scratch he gave me in the battle.

I always wondered what happened to all those old towers and fortresses and castles that keep popping up in just about every story...

[Psimon]

The tall, two-tone elf slips into class. Late as always...

 

~ Now I know what I was doing wrong for all those years!! ~

 

He hangs his head in shame, muttering to himself

 

"If only I'd known... oh, if only I'd known. All those wasted hours, weeks... years!!"

 

His shoulders begin to shudder; years of frustrated ambition breaking free, spilling silent sobs from his slender throat.

 

 

OOC: Well done Brute! A very entertaining read

[Brute]

Lesson topic for the day: Choosing a race.

 

Choosing a race for your character can present problems for those with little imagination or creativity. To truly appreciate the subtle characteristics of each race, one must try to understand their racial motives and limitations. Halflings desire nothing more than five-star meals with accompanying waiter service about every other waking hour. Dwarves long for gold and a deep, dark cave in which to hoard the gold. Elves flit about, concerned only with music, delicate wine, and pretty, sparkly magical things. Orcs and their bretheren all have a common denominator of smashing things and later eating the leftovers. Humans, it is suspected, want ship the other races off on a leaky, termite-ridden boat to the far corners of the earth.

 

Now that we've briefly discussed the motivations of each race, let's move on to limitations and strengths . Elves, while puny and frail, live practically forever. This can be a great advantage if one capitalizes on the longevity benefits. When playing an elf, instead of arguing with the rude human over your rightfull claim of the defeated wizard's spiffy magical necklace, promise that individual 20 years of personal service in return for the necklace. Just don't bother to mention that the service will start in about three hundred years from now.

 

If you've suffered from a recent head injury and decide to play a halfling, then best of luck to you. Other than providing a moderate source of amusement in the way of incessant whining about the foul conditions of the adventuring life and the general lack of quality food, halflings have few redeeming qualities. One that springs to mind is the fact that they look like children. Exploit this fact to your advantage! Prey on the sympathetic emotions of the other party members and take shelter behind them when trouble appears. After all, who would force a sweet, young innocent into battle when there are strong fighters and wily mages around? After the battle is over, sift through the charred remains of your fellow companions and deftly remove those fineries from their corpses.

 

Should you wish to play a rude, obnoxious dwarf, then expect plenty of opportunities to argue with everyone else, particularly elves. Fortunately for you, dwarves are built for fighting when the arguments turn nasty. Unfortunately, you're only as tall as anyone else's kneecaps. And it's a well-known tactic when fighting dwarves to step on their beards and pin them to the floor, so shave the beard, grandpa. Sure everyone's going laugh at you, but hey, at least when the laughter turns ugly you'll be able to wage war on their shins without getting that goat's mane you call a beard stepped on. Another point on playing dwarves s you must always act as if you've a pine cone wedged up your arse, thus completing the dour aspect of their demeanor.

 

Moving right along, we now come to role playing orcs, trolls, and their unclean bretheren. A simple rule to follow when playing these mindless beasts would be to treat every creature encountered, including other players, as a meal. Now, before you start to design complex dinner plans for the party, let's not forget another simple rule about these flea-infested subhumans; they lack the intelligence of the average box of hammers. With that in mind, keep the party-bashing schemes simple. Lacking sophistication to an impossible degree, always remember to stick with clubs for melee weapons and rock for missiles. Anything with an edge is likely as dangerous to you as it is to your intended victim, so weapons with an edge are simply out of the question. One last note, grunt a lot and while actual speech is optional, it should be done only in single syllables.

 

Lastly, we come to humans. Humans are unique in that they have an inferiority complex of the other races on a cosmic scale. Should you decide to play as a human and discard all of the racial abilities that humans lack, then role play your inadequacies to the maximun extent. A few examples:

The party encounters a huge dragon that's delighted you've all appeared just in time for lunch. Immediately take cover behind the elf, claiming that if only you had that nifty infravision and all those resistances to magic, you could contribute to the fray. After the bewildered elf is reduced to a crispy dragon treat, leap up and smight the drake with a fatal blow from your mighty Destructo sword. (see notes from lesson one.)

While venturing into the Tomb of Eternal Despair, the party stumbles onto a hall filled with bottomless pits and deviously wicked traps. You should automatically assume the dwarf has extensive racial knowledge of circumventing such dangers and toss the dimunitive runt down the hallway, triggering any obstacles in the way of your hard-earned treasure. While you're at it, throw the halfling down there as well. Everyone knows all halflings excell at disarming traps and such. Once the screams from the obtuse and whiny circus freaks have died down, stroll confidently to your reward.

During a trek through the wilderness, the party happens across several giants of a sour disposition towards the party. Convince the orc that he should engage the behemoths in a duel (not a hard task). Refrain from watching the delightful irony of the party bully getting turned into jelly for the giants' morning toast and sneak off to plunder their lair.

 

This briefly explains the points to bear in mind when deciding upon a race for your character. No single race is perfect, but with a little help from this course, that can be adjusted to a rough percentage of about 99.3% perfection.

 

Next week's lesson topic: Interacting with other players.

Edited April 30, 2003 by Brute

[Lady Celes Crusader]

Celes can't help it but to laughs hard

 

This is rich!!!! Say, what about Half-elves?

 

Carbone meows in order to get her too joyful mistress' attention. Celes strokes her pet's head, a gesture received by some licks.

[Ayshela]

LOL

(ahem)

 

very informative, Brute! i fear i must request additional information, however. Do you recommend roleplaying a dark elf similarly to a "standard" elf or more as an "unclean" being?

[Peredhil]

Fixes Celles with a penetrating gaze...

 

M'Lady, Half-Elves, of course, are younger cousins to the Gods...

 

Behind him Guido mimes vomiting as Nuncio covers his muzzle and runs from the room. Elrohir blushes as Elladan smiles brilliantly and takes a deep bow...

[Starlight]

Bravo, Brute - looking forward to the next class

[Valdar and Astralis]

You forget pointy ears. Long, flexible ears are a must for any elven adventurer.

 

And gnom(i)es, who are obsessed with the idea of magical, or mechanical tinkerage. Add sugar, and you get a walking recipie for absolute mayhem.

[Damon Inferel]

One might consider this a work worth listening to... *the demon shakes his head* In all honest, I find that stupidity has slapped me in the face as I could not have detailed this subject myself... *sigh* Well, you have my attention, whether I know all of this already or not.

 

*with that, he leaps away into a field of daisys where he trips over his other character, Gabriel Pelous*

[Lady Celes Crusader]

Celes stares at Peredhil and winks at him.

 

Although that your answer is welcome, I wonder what would be Brute's explanations about these.

[Psimon]

My dear Lady Ayshela, I thoroughly recommend 'playing' both at once, such as the dark and grey elf blood that courses through my own humble flesh. There is, of course, no 'uncleanliness' in any elven blood. We are pure in all ways. I cannot speak for those other races...

 

*Bows low then hears the occassional cough and stifled guffaw from the peasantry gathered around his magnificent personage. He deigns to cast black looks at the rabble even though they do not deserve such attention. He is, as ever, most benevolent*

 

As for some of Brute's comments... one mustn't forget the primary advantage of having at least one dwarf in any adventuring group.

 

They're awfully useful for sport at taverns.

 

There is one game in particular where they excel, indeed they are prerequisite to the very sport itself!

 

Well done yet again, Brute. Never have I so looked forward to class.

[Tasslehoff]

I do fear we left out on important race.. Kenders.. Yes, Kenders, they are always fun to RP as, and well, are a trully importat species.

[Kasmandre]

As for some of Brute's comments... one mustn't forget the primary advantage of having at least one dwarf in any adventuring group.

 

They're awfully useful for sport at taverns.

 

There is one game in particular where they excel, indeed they are prerequisite to the very sport itself!

Dwarf Tossing!!!! Horray!!!!!

[Brute]

In this addendum to last week's lesson, I will very briefly answer a few of the questions posed.

 

 

Half elves do gain some benefits from both human and elven stock; the build of a human with a longer lifespan from the elves. Goody for you. They are ridden with uncertainties about their lineage, though. As a half-elf, you should remind the other party members at every chance how confusing life is as a half breed. That way, when you suddenly push an irritating party member over the edge of a ravine, you simply look appalled at what you've done and say, "Gosh! I was just so confused and didn't realize what I was doing." However, the remaining party members will likely make plans to rid themselves of the psychopathic half-elf the first chance they get, so make sure your character never sleeps.

 

Kenders. How could I forget kenders. These jolly little vagrants can become the scourge of any party, sometimes doing more damage than an ogre with a toothache. While they are pathetically weak and feeble, kenders make up for this with the abilility to rob a knight of his sword, armor, and horse, then be half a league away before the knight notices. The downside to this is the party members will know and expect that, so don't act surprised when every night they hold you by the ankles and shake you thoroughly until every last of their belongings fall from your pockets, you little thief. I firmly believe that kenders are impish agents of Chaos. Therefore, it is strongly recommended that you spread chaos among the party. Replacing valuables of other party members every morning would be a good start , as would 'correcting' any maps vital to the party's mission while no one is looking. Keep in mind that while doing any activity along this nature, kenders must always keep an innocent face. It won't fool anyone except possibly the orc, but it helps add flavor to your character.

[Lady Celes Crusader]

Celes nodes to her teacher while stile having an hardtime containing her laughter

 

What a clever answer, Mr. Brute.

[Tasslehoff]

*claps*

 

Bravo Bravo! Now I might have to get serious here and say we are NOT thiefs, but very well written..