The Three Guardians

[Elwen]

The Three Guardians

A Parody

 

 

(Pamela, Lynne, and Christine are watching anime at Lynne’s house)

(a knock comes at the door)

Lynne: I’ll get it. Dammit, why does it have to be at the good part?

(walks to the door and opens it)

(a guy that looks like Dr. Odine from FF8 stands there)

Guy: (with a horrible, cheesy French accent) You must save ze world!

Lynne: Not interested. Go away! (slams door)

(comes back)

Pamela: Who was it?

Lynne: Some crackpot.

(knock again)

Lynne: (annoyed) I’ll get it. Tell me what happens.

(stomps off and opens the door)

Guy: You must save ze-

(slams door)

(goes back downstairs)

Pamela: Who was it?

Lynne: The crackpot came back.

Pamela: Does your house just attract crackpots or what?

Lynne: (shrugs innocently)

Christine: Dude-

(knock on window: it’s the same guy from before)

Guy: You must save ze world!

(the three girls exchange looks)

Christine: Dude, how are we supposed to save the world?

Lynne: (interrupts) We’re not interested. Go away.

Pamela: Hold on a minute. We have to save the world?

Guy: (impatiently) Yes, you must save ze world!

Christine: Dude, we have to save the world!

Lynne: …

Pamela: You aren’t very enthusiastic.

Christine: Dude, what can little old me do?

Guy: Go to ze super-secret base of our super-secret organization. There you will learn everything.

Christine: Dude, we’re going to save the world! (starts dancing with Pamela rather excitedly)

Pamela and Christine: (singing) We’re going to save the world! We’re going to save the world! We’re going to save the world!

Lynne: …I have nothing better to do. Guys, stop singing.

Christine: Dude, you’re no fun. (opens window)

Guy: Here is ze map that you will need. (hands it over)

Christine: Thanks! (shuts window)

Pamela: …Great. Whose car do we take, yours or mine?

Guy: None of ze above!

Christine: Hey! Are you insulting my little car? ‘Cause if you are…

Guy: No! We have a high-tech car for you. BMW made it.

Pamela: …A BMW? Now that’s cool.

Lynne: (picks up her backpack) If we have to do this, then we’d better get going.

Christine: That’s the spirit.

Guy: You must hurry, ze world needs saving!

Lynne: What am I going to tell my parents…

Christine: We can think of something.

Pamela: Let’s go, there’s time enough to think of that later.

(the guy leaves, and the three girls walk out the door.)

Christine: I’m driving, I’m driving!

Pamela: …sigh…

Lynne: I don’t care who drives, just as long as we don’t get into an accident. (she climbs into the backseat, buckles her seatbelt, and promptly stretches out across the seat. She pulls a copy of X/1999: Prelude out of her backpack and happily settles down to reading.)

Christine: (hops into the driver’s seat) Let’s go, we’re going to save the world!

Pamela: (refusing to give up) Let’s play best of three for it.

Christine: (looks at her) Rock-paper-scissors?

Pamela: Yes, that’s what I mean!

Christine: Sure!

Both: Rock, Paper, scissors-shoot!

(Pamela shows paper and Christine scissors)

Christine: All right! I won!

Pamela: It’s not over yet!

Both: Rock, Paper, scissors-shoot!

(Pamela has rock and Christine paper)

Christine: Dude, let’s rock on! I’m driving!

Pamela: (desperately) Best of five?

Christine: Nope!

Pamela: Best of four?

Christine: I’d still be ahead. I’m driving, dude!

(Pamela grumbles, but settles herself into the passenger seat.)

Lynne: Can we get our act together and get going?

Christine: (gently sarcastic) Look at Miss Serious-About-Her-Work. What happened?

Lynne: Well? (taps her foot impatiently)

Christine: Jeez, hold your horses. (starts car)

Pamela: I think she was inspired by our example. (Lynne starts choking)

Pamela: (reaches into the backseat and pounds Lynne on the back) Jeez, are you OK?

Lynne: …No comment.

Christine: Here we go! (backs out of driveway and starts driving away)

(they drive and drive and drive)

(A day later…)

(Christine has been eyeing the red button on the dashboard, as has Pamela. Lynne pulls off her headphones and puts all her stuff into her backpack, putting it on.)

Lynne: You guys, can’t you read the sign?

(The button is labeled with several signs: “Don’t Touch”. “Don’t Press.” “Don’t Push.” “Don’t Depress.” “Don’t Compress”. “Don’t Even Think About It.”)

Christine: What sign?

Lynne: The ones that say to not touch the red button.

Christine: Oh, those signs. (thinks about it) Hmm…(pushes the button)

Pamela and Lynne: Christine!!!

Christine: (sheepishly) Oops.

(Alarms start going off.)

Computer Voice: Warning. Detonation in ten minutes. Detonation in ten minutes. This car will self-destruct. I repeat, this car will self-destruct.

Pamela and Lynne: Christine!!!! (they both glare at her)

Christine: (sheepishly) Oops. I guess I wasn’t supposed to push it.

Lynne: That was kind of the point!!!

Christine: Sorry…(sweatdrops)

Pamela: If you don’t floor it, if you follow the speed limit, I’m going to kick your butt.

Lynne: Pam, if we get blown up, you can’t kick her butt.

Pamela: Oh yeah. Good point. (considers) I’ll kick your butt in all our next lifetimes.

(Christine floors it)

(Nine and a half minutes later they arrive at the super-secret base)

(Christine stops the car. All three girls jump out and run away from it.)

Christine: (sees some people running their way) Stay away! Don’t get near that car!

(The car explodes)

Pamela: You do realize that we’re going to be in trouble?

Christine: I already said I was sorry!

(the Guy comes out)

Guy: You have already wrecked ze car? And we just gave it to you.

Christine: (sweatdrops) Uh…

Guy: Come along. J is waiting for you.

Christine: Who’s this ‘J’ character?

Guy: He’s the head of J Branch.

Lynne: This sounds like those James Bond movies my brother likes watching.

Pamela: You’re right, it does.

(the Guy leads them off)

(In J Labs…)

Guy: J, I brought you ze girls. And they already wrecked ze car.

Pamela and Lynne: It was her fault! (they point at Christine)

Christine: Guys, that’s not fair! Pam, you were looking at the button funny too.

Pamela: I didn’t push it, now did I? That’s the difference.

Christine: (ruefully) Uh…you’re right.

J: Well…let me talk to them. (the Guy goes away, and J is revealed as Justin Mensah.)

Pamela, Christine, and Lynne: Justin?!

Justin: Surprised, huh? I get to work with all the cool machinery and the hot girls.

Pamela: Don’t start rambling, please!

Justin: Anyway, that car you guys blew up was new, dammit! It was my baby, it took me months and months to customize it!

Christine: We’re sorry, we’re sorry.

Justin: (mock-crying) There simply isn’t another car like it here!

Pamela: Get a hold of yourself, man!

Justin: Oh, I am. Now, the good news: there’s a better car.

Christine: So what was with all the boo-hooing?

Justin: That was /my/ car you blew up.

Christine: Oh.

Justin: And make sure you bring back all the technological implements of mass destruction (like grenades and guns and motorcycles and whatever else I give you). Those things aren’t cheap, ya know.

M: Yeah, there isn’t enough money as it is!

Justin: Hello, M.

Pamela: Now this really sounds like James Bond…

Justin: (whispering behind his hand) The boss wanted that title. He watches a lot of James Bond.

Lynne: If I didn’t know any better, that sounds like…

(M is revealed…)

M and Lynne: Ahhh!

(M is Lynne’s younger brother, Joe!!!)

Joe: I wanted three good female agents, but I got you guys?!

Pamela: Hey, we’re not so bad!

Joe: The world is dooméd.

Christine: Don’t you mean ‘doomed?’

Joe: No, I mean dooméd!

Christine: Same difference, dude.

Joe: No, it’s not the same thing at all!

Christine: Whatever, man.

Pamela: (aside to Lynne) Is he always like this?

Lynne: Sometimes he’s worse.

Joe: I heard that!

Lynne: You were supposed to.

Joe: Is that a challenge?

Lynne: No.

Joe: Are you chicken?

Lynne: No, just prudent.

Joe: That’s yes in my book.

Christine: Is everything yes in your book?

Joe: (glares) No.

 

 

 

...Work in Progress, folks. That's all I have. Me and my demented humor...

Edited April 25, 2003 by Elwen

[autumn_sun]

=laughs until she can't see straight & is forced to fall to the floor= =watches helplessly as her mom comes in and stares= LYNNE! You...you...aagh...jeeze! fun fun! not done, is it? Or is it? Sorry...i'm a little hyped up on cheesy alien gut 'em like a fish movies...

[Tamaranis]

What's with big red buttons? It's like people have a biological drive to push them or something...

[Kasmandre]

If you didn't want me to press the big red button, you shouldn't have told me not to!

I guess the big red button impulse is the same one that gives me the urge to open my car door on the highway, just for the heck of it.

[The Big Pointy One]

Heh, interesting work, looking forward to more... parodies are always great ^.^

 

And Kas, I do the same thing, sometimes... but then again, it's usually because I'm paranoid it's not closed all the way. ~Meh~

[Damon Inferel]

Um... I hope you can forgive me as I am not exactly rolling, parsay, with laughter. I'm mentally drowning in it! In any case, it's a great play-ish, and I hope it's completion is sometime in the near or distant or eternal future. Meow... I only say mentally because all I ever really do as far as physical laughter is not often, and then I start to choke, so I laugh in my head.

 

As a critic-ish, I would have to zay zat ze French guy zhould have more of ze, how you zay, ze accent, where all s'z are z'z! Meep. But it was great though.