Salinye Posted April 24, 2003 Report Posted April 24, 2003 (edited) (I sort of had a creative bug and so sat down to write this poem. Let me know what you think. It's probably not the final draft, but...well you can just tell me what you think. :0)) Leaning forward bent in half toes pointed to the far corners, Chest pressed to the floor. Two braids descending, body clad in lycra. You glance over to me, whom do you see? You laugh sheepishly; you mistook me for one of my teenage students. Most say I'll appreciate my youthful look when I'm older. When I'm older... Apples rolling down the aisle, sticky fingers tugging on my coat, Hungry babies cry. Reaching around fingers fumbling to find a bottle in my backpack. You glance over to me, whom do you see? "Has she never heard of birth control?" You whisper snickering. Most say they regret not cherishing the moments when their children were younger. When they were younger... Jumping on the bed, reading tales of pirate ships, Giggling squeals of delight. Rescuing the fair maiden from the dragon King. You glance over to me, whom do you see? "Her house is such a mess." You think. "Someday she'll get her priorities straight." Someday... Youthful look, cherishing love filled days, Priorities in order. I live to love each day, love each day I live. You glance over to me, how can you not see this? I chose this life; I happily embrace each moment now. Embrace each moment now... **edited to fix the apostrophe/quotation mark bug rawwrrrr grrrr hmpf** Edited April 25, 2003 by Peredhil
Ayshela Posted April 25, 2003 Report Posted April 25, 2003 i like this! captured moments of normal life, details intact, placed under a spotlight for a moment. assumptions and misperceptions of those looking on, who only see the surface of another's life, contrasted with the view from inside looking out, full knowledge of what all those details mean. well done.
reverie Posted April 26, 2003 Report Posted April 26, 2003 Interesting. I like it. I like the way you set each stanza up with the last line of the preceding one. Nice work tying it all together at the end. (well, if anyone hasn't noticed, i'm a structure buff) revery the dreamlost "one, two three, once again -go" (aimee mann) the dream continues...
Psimon Posted April 29, 2003 Report Posted April 29, 2003 This is a wonderful piece! A lovely description of one's perceptions of another's reality... I totally agree with Ayshela & reverie's comments. Awesome.
Gwaihir Posted April 29, 2003 Report Posted April 29, 2003 How cool!!! you captured the tone perfectly. I love the two voices, yours and this critic's. You don't totally make the critic a fool--we can see why he (in the gramatical sense of he) feels the way he does, but we know that he's wrong. You don't just tell us he's wrong; you show us why.
Tasslehoff Posted April 29, 2003 Report Posted April 29, 2003 very good poem! I like it so very much.
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