"The Ephemeral" by Wyvern

[Yui-chan]

Wyvern,

 

I'm glad that I've finally gotten the chance to read this, as you've crafted and interesting and creatively-formed story. I love your seamless slips back and forth between reality and memory, communicating your main character's confusion and disjointed mentality. You also did a great job of blindsiding me with a number of elements.

 

Great writing, Wyv. I love your novel approach.

 

As far as critique goes, the only thing I can mention is that I think you might want to come up with another eupahmism or two for both the 'solitary figure' and the 'luminous object'. Since those two phrases are used so much in the story, they really start to stand out in a broken-record sense after a while. I hate to see anything distract the reader from your plot, and yet I kept getting pulled up short by the repetition. Then again, I am kind of a mainstay in the 'anti-redudancy' camp.

 

Great work, and thanks for sharing! Now, when's the rest coming out?

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Salinye]

Wyvie~

 

I just finally got a chance to read this wonderful story line. I have to mimic Yui in complimenting your seamless transitions. I Love that the story is more backwards to forwards, it's refreshing.

 

The only thing I see that needs a quick fix is this:

 

doesn't have time to cry out as her fingers smoothly caress his cheek and her knife swiftly gouges his throat, gleaming as it as it tears through the fabrics of his existence.

See how you have as it as it double? Just a little edit need. :0)

 

I find myself really wanting to read the rest of the story! Thank you so much for your creative share!

 

~Salinye

[Wyvern]

Yui and Salinye,

 

Thank you very much for your comments! I was wondering what people might be thinking of the story, since it's sort of experimental, and am glad to see that you two have enjoyed it thus far.

 

Yui, I know exactly what you mean by the repititions, and will certainly be working on varying the vocabulary a bit more. Leaving the characters nameless has actually been one of the most diifficult things about writing the story for me, as the characters don't have too many distinctive character traits seperating them and thus the range of words I have to describe them becomes rather limited.

 

Salinye, I editted the repitition error that you pointed out, thanks for the heads up.

 

Thanks once again to both of you for the kind comments. The next post will probably be the end of the story, and should be coming fairly soon...

[Orlan]

w00t!

 

The beautiful long, drawn out sentances make the piece flow like a dream and the disconnected flashes make it reminicient of Momento. It is definately something that needs to be read in one sitting. The flashbacks/zombie man aim lets things work out fairly well.

 

Somesuggestions: Like Yui said, the terminology you use is a little repetative....not horridly, but alot of times you can safely use a "He" and still know that we're talking about. Tense is all kept in one....uh.....tense, which is good.

 

A few extra letters on some words...the only thing I can remember know is the 2nd or 3rd post and the word "beautifull".

 

Aside from that good.

 

 

Oh one more thing, instead of "subtitle" for the curly haired man's book, just "title" sounds more impressive. Subtitle makes me think of spanish films