Vlad Posted April 17, 2003 Report Posted April 17, 2003 (edited) A whole, torn open by a hole, Gaping, emptiness escaping, I knew you, but I didn't know- Who you are, or what you be, You came into my life and saw, That I care about kindness. But you conquered through, The night being your shield, My heart a poor country. The hostile borders are few, I will keep them far between. My soul is my haven, my land- Rotted deep in ways of old, Traditional nightfire burning. Those who choose to come, Will suffer unendurable pain. Edited April 17, 2003 by Vlad
Peredhil Posted April 17, 2003 Report Posted April 17, 2003 I was with you until the last line... suffer unsufferable pain? Isn't that an oxymoron like military intelligence? Maybe suffer unendurable pain instead? Good work.
reverie Posted April 18, 2003 Report Posted April 18, 2003 "A whole, torn open by a hole," Would try: "The whole, torn open by a hole," just a suggestion... rev...
Ayshela Posted April 18, 2003 Report Posted April 18, 2003 hmmm Could. I actually really liked the original for a couple reasons. With "A whole" you get more the sense that it is one complete thing, not the all encompassing whole of everything. And with the original line as it stands you get a very nice double-take effect. It stops one, makes one think about what's meant.
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