Homecoming

[HappyBuddha]

Note: This is a continuation of a story I started on these forums titled "Nothing in the Beginning"(that story is all 've posted on these boards about it). It doesn't make much sense if you don't read that one, so I would suggest doing so. Don't worry, they're both quite funny. Also, if anyone knows how to do footnotes on these boards, PM me telling me how, cause I use footnotes a lot and I'm buggered on how to do them here]

 

(This is page 1)

 

About 10, 000* years later, God was unhappy. It just isn’t the same, he though to himself, as he watched the two tribes of men shout insults at each. Occasionally one would score a direct hit, and a man would fall over dead, mortally wounded by the power and accuracy of the insult directed at him.

God sighed. No matter how hard he tried, he could never match his first world. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried – one time he’d even made an exact replica of it, but, well, it didn’t really work out. They’d done different stuff for one – history hadn’t repeated itself, because, well, humans are unpredictable buggers, and a lot of them reacted differently that time. Eventually God figured out that it wouldn’t have been fun even if history had repeated itself, ‘cause it would have been so bloody predictable, and so he had given up on it and moved on. But, just like always, this new world was losing its appeal, and fast. It had been funny at first – a world in which words did hurt you, where insults could be wielded as weapons – and God had enjoyed it thoroughly for a couple of years, especially upon seeing how creative they got. But, like all the others, it was growing old.

God didn’t know what it was about his first world that made it so much better than the others (and if he did, he would have tried to duplicate it), but whatever it was, he needed some of it. The other one’s just had no….no spirit. They were just whatever half-baked idea that seemed funny at the time that God came up with when his current world bored him, which was about once every 5 to 10 years, 20 on the outside.

He’d considered going back, he really had, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it – he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to see it again, too many painful memories. And besides, Earth was at peace now – God had put Jesus in charge when he packed up and left, after having Jesus establish a new religion which would make all of humanity peaceful (God wanted to leave with a clean conscience, knowing that he hadn’t created a bunch of people only to leave them to murder and hurt each other, which is what they would probably do if he just abandoned them). And he’d even left all of his angels with Jesus too. God knew that when he came back, there would be peace on earth, which, while it’s a nifty goal to strive for and everything, the kind of thing which it’s nice to work towards, knowing that you’ll never accomplish it in your lifetime, is not exactly

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*Well, actually it was about 16 Billion or something like that, but see, where God is concerned, time is relative. For example, to humans it only seems like time stretches out and takes longer to pass when they’re bored – with God it does take longer to pass when he’s bored. So, if God ever worked at a major corporation, and was stuck in a meeting for what should have been 4 hours, the 4 hours might take 2-3 days, real time, though only 4 hours are recorded on the clock**. Anyways, a good deal of the creation process had been rather boring to him, and so the first couple billion years or so had passed in what should have been roughly 150 years, when God was constructing Heaven (by hand; he swore to himself to avoid using Let There Be’s unless he didn’t have any other options), which had been the most boring part, because there had been no one to talk to. After the angels started coming around, the going got more exciting. This also explains why while it did, technically, take God 7 days to make the Earth, it ended up feeling like a whole lot longer, and quite a lot happened between the 1st and the 7th day – about 500 million years. Until the humans came around, God was bored out of his brains making the animals, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let the angels do it.***

**Although the meeting might be adjourned early, when people started keeling over from starvation.

***It should be noted that he did enjoy making the platypus

[HappyBuddha]

(This is page 2)

 

the thing you want to live in (in God’s estimation at least). It’s so boring. Actually, what would be worse was if they weren’t at peace, because then he’d really feel bad. God wasn’t sure if he could handle that, he really wasn’t.

It was at this moment that that lone, ever so fatal and treacherous thought wedged its way to the forefront of his mind…

“You could just go there for a visit, just a quickie…” it said in a sly voice

The thought then did the thoughtly equivalent of turning to its mates and winking, all of whom smiled and nodded, before chirping in with similar advice.

“Eh yeah, you could just, errm, you know, pop in and pop out,” chirped another.

“Yeah, wouldn’t hurt anyone at all, uh, just a vacation,” said a third

“God, you know this isn’t going to end we-,” warned a voice of caution that was cut off abruptly, followed by muffled cries.

God mused over this, stroking what is presumed to be his chin. Well, it wasn’t as if he’d have to stay there or anything….not that he wanted to or anything, he assured himself. Yeah, it would be like a holiday, go and see the relatives…

At this point God started, for he had remembered the crucial problem with going back – the angels. “They’ll swarm me!,” he thought to himself, “they’ll wrap me up in their blasted bureaucracy, put me back on the throne, make me smile and wave to incoming souls, go and do miracles, set our policy with Hell…no, no, no!”

And worse, he realized, there will be the warmongers, eager to have him back so they can have a go at Hell. And the blasted archangels, they’d make him do a military parade of sorts, reviewing all the angels, marching up and down the lines, inspecting, basically everything God hated. No, that would not do at all.

But it did give God an idea – he could make a world where military parades were considered evil and wrong. He patted himself on the back for this one, and then started to construct a world like this.

But out of the depths of his mind, like a messenger running up flight after flight of stairs to tell the king some momentous piece of news, there rushed a far more deadly thought, a thought of immeasurable importance.

They don’t have to know that you’ve come back….

God froze at this thought, sending the world creation process askew. He didn’t notice as the world flew apart and things scattered everywhere, looking like so much cosmic kitty litter abandoned to the stars. What would have been a continent whirled past him, going off on a journey that would culminate with its termination by running into a rather rude planet that got in the way, refused to move, and then blew the continent to smithereens in a fit of completely and totally unjustified anger from the planet’s equally rude inhabitants. The planet was called Erth or some such*.

The continent sighed to itself as it wheeled slowly away from God’s still frozen hulk, which hovered among the debris now shooting off into space. It considered its predicament for quite a long time, wondering what exactly was going on. Finally, it came to a conclusion, and it

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* How the continent knows this is a supreme cosmic mystery that even God really can’t explain, though he’d probably say something like “Cosmic Fritters” with a Southern accent, because, well, who doesn’t enjoy saying “Cosmic Fritters” with a Southern accent**? (Okay, some people might not, be he sure does)

*Truth to tell, he explains most universal phenomena that he doesn’t understand – meaning most of it – this way. That, or he blames it on quantum stuff.

[HappyBuddha]

(This is page 3) (Duh)

 

thought to itself, “That’s it, I’m converting to atheism – no moron would create a universe that would include something with such a loser life as the one I have.”

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The continent had been drifting for quite a long time now, drifting away from the floating hulk* of a deity that was still holding some great internal debate**. Of course, the continent didn’t know that this hulk was, in fact, God Almighty. The continent, being new to the universe, imagined that these hulks were quite normal, although there was a slight question mark in the continent’s mind about the reason for massive hulks everywhere.

Truth to tell, it had a lot of questions marks for various things in it’s head. Every creature has asked questions like these at one point, questions like “Who am I?”, “Why am I here?”, “Where do I belong?”, “Where the hell are my car keys?”, and the all time favorite “Dooo youuu speaaak eeeeengliiiiish?”

After a while of puzzling over many more matters of cosmic scale, it realized the fundamental flaw in thinking of itself as an atheist – that not believing in any gods made you an adiest – atheists didn’t believe in religion. So it called itself an adiest for a while, before pondering the matter more, and deciding that, yes, it didn’t believe in religion, and so it was an atheist again.

It repeated this not-believing-in-it maneuver for many things which otherwise bugged it, such as the concept of Pi, or why hot dogs come in packs of 8 but buns come in packs of 6. It got so good at it, it renounced it’s atheism and decided it was going to be a Non-Believer instead, in the process founding a religion based on the denial of the existence of anything it didn’t like.***

It then turned it’s attention to the big hulk in the center. It was rather unsure about this hulk – it didn’t make any sense to the continent at all, it wasn’t planet shaped, it wasn’t a star, and it was way too big to be a comet or some such. It was just there. It was a big sort of there, too. A very, very, very big there, the sort of big that deserves italics****. The continent realized that by all rights it should be a black hole, which confused it all the more, because it was most certainly not a black hole. Than the continent saw that it in fact was sort of like an anti black hole, things avoided it on purpose – as it watched, little bits of debris shied away from the hulk in great numbers, sometimes bouncing at insane angles to avoiding hitting a limb or other

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* God usually makes himself very, very big when he’s in space, because he doesn’t like being dwarfed by all the suns and planets

** Presumably, by now his brain was at the armed confrontation stage of it’s debate (if it could still be called a debate), his heart was threatening to impose blood sanctions on the brain, and the mouth, throat, and ears were complaining about all the refugee brain cells they were having to take in.

*** The funny thing is, several world religions already work upon this concept, and many more world governments do the same. Virtually all politicians are successful through the useful application of Non-Believer theory. Reagan is especially famous for using Non-Believer theory (mixed with a good deal of Useful Ignorance theory, another vital political theory).

**** Though not quite deserving of bolding or underlining, mind you.

[HappyBuddha]

(And this is page 4!) (The last one)

 

appendage *. This confused the continent to an enormous degree, so much so that it stopped believing in the hulk, hoping that it would therefore go away. It stated that it did not believe in this hulk, and expected it to go away right then .

Still, it was a bit surprised when with a sudden deep voiced “Biff!” that echoed throughout nearby space, the hulk disappeared in a cloud of a lucky rabbit’s tales that, when they cleared, revealed a vast empty space where once the hulk had been.

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* This is because cosmic debris and other erratic bits of floating matter in space have learned not to bump into the Boss, because they usually meet a rather violent end if they disrupt his concentration.