Seii Posted March 28, 2003 Report Posted March 28, 2003 I dunno, I think this is dedicated to all the girls I see who try to win the world over by dressing and looking "pretty" instead of being themselves. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If she searches with her looks Attention will follow Attention is hollow And the world is full of heart crooks If she searches with her eyes Electricity blips Every man trips And she is a nasty surprise If she searches with her clothes Heads will turn Hearts will burn And feeling ebbs and flows If she searches with her dreams The person is ideal The person is unreal And love is gone from the thought stream If she searches with her self She shows all that she will be She shows reality, you see And truely will love find HER on her shelf
Quincunx Posted March 29, 2003 Report Posted March 29, 2003 The poem wavers and falls in imagery and meter during the last line of the next-to-last stanza (perhaps "And loving is gone from the stream?"--imagery still weak but the intended meter) and never recovers. If I touch the last stanza now, I'll impose too much of myself upon it--won't suggest anything.
Seii Posted March 30, 2003 Author Report Posted March 30, 2003 I must admit you have a point. I realize that it breaks rhythm at the end. Also, I was at a bit of a loss as to how to finish this - I've seen more faults in my life experience than I have good results. In other words, please do toy with the ending a little - I would be interested to see what you can envision from this theme. If I knew more girls who actually WERE themselves instead of one of the other stanzas, I'd probably have done a better job. ;;
Rune Posted April 10, 2003 Report Posted April 10, 2003 Great subject. I really like the different sections and the general statement. I agree that the ending is slightly off and therefore seems to stop rather than end. Its beautiful none the less. Thank you for sharing.
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