Puns

[Rune]

Two peanuts were walking in the park and one was a salted.

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll

serve you, but don't start anything.'

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry we

don't serve food in here.'

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm

and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

 

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you?'

 

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my

electron.'

The other says, 'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

Edited March 24, 2003 by Rune

[Rune]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'" The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

[Rune]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

 

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. when they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

 

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

[lumpenproletariat]

There are two fish in a tank, one says "how do you drive this thing"

[Tasslehoff]

lol.. Lotsa funnies in there Rune.. *claps* thanks for cheerin my day up

[jonathan_wolfe]

Must........ resist........pun-ishment!!!!

 

*sobs*

 

(Love it... Though I'll leave the punning to you and others, my skills are definitely lacking here.

How does one come up with a pun anyways?)

[The Big Pointy One]

Gah, I hate puns, but alas...

 

A bear is sitting at the bar, and the bartender asks him what he wants. The bear goes "I'll have a..." and thinks for a moment "...beer." The bartender looks at him curiously as he grabs the bear his beer, the says "Why the long pause?" The bear looks at the bartender, shrugs, and says, "Oh, I was born with them."

 

I'm sure I know more, but I can't seem to remember any right now.

 

 

 

ps. Jonathan, I'm not sure, but I think it involves a *lot* of free time

[Peredhil]

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

 

~~~~

 

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying n the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?

"I feel terrible, 'he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says.....

 

 

Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare, adds permanent wave

[Ethics Gradient]

Another one :woot:

 

Did you hear about that dyslexic devil worshipper, who sold his soul to Santa?

[Seii]

One day the scarf looked at his buddy the hat and said, "I'll hang around. You go on ahead."

 

The egg's Mom had always told him never to a-poach strangers, but he always kept his sunny side up. Unfortunately, the strangers he a-poached were be-deviled, and they scrambled him good. He was rather hard-boiled for the rest of his life...

 

Darn...I'm SURE I know more. If there was a golf course named Pun, my younger brother would be in his finest fore-m there. Maybe I'll ask that bogey if he can ace this thread with some of his strokes. ^_-

[Rune]

Peredhil had a girlfriend name Lorraine. He liked her alot but one day he found a new hottie at school named Clearly.

He was quite attracted to Clearly but he knew he couldn't take her out while he was dating Lorraine. He knew he had to break up with Lorraine if he was even to have a chance to date Clearly but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as Peredhil and Lorraine were walking along the riverbank, Lorraine slipped and fell in! The current of the river swept her away in an instant. Peredhil was shocked at first but soon recovered and ran home and exclaimed to Zool "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone!"

 

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour of watching the goings on, Brute came over and started yelling at them - telling them to get out immediately.

One of the chess guys looked over his shoulder and asked Brute why he was making them leave.

"Because, " Brute said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

 

The friars were behind on their belfry payments so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, their business started thriving immediately. A small rival florist from across town felt the competition was unfair. The rival went to the friars and asked them to shut down their shop explaining that his business was going down the tubes, but they refused. He went back again a week later and begged to no avail.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he would be back everyday as long as their store remained in business. Terrified, they immediately closed their store proving that "Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

[Rune]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.