News today

[Canid]

Just a warning to you prior read - this is not my usual thing. It is much more harsh (not in language of course) than my normal work and also differs in that it is scouring of a specific individual. Also note that the third-fith lines of the second paragraph are meant to be adressing said individual, not the reader - just incase there's any confusion; and the punctuational errors are all deliberate.

 

I really try to keep things as unoffensive as possible normally - but this isn't the sort of thing I can write and stow away. So I appologize in advance if anyone takes offense to this and will understand if they want to reply as such.

 

 

 

 

There’s oil sitting on a sea,

Smothering the life below and poisoning the anaerobes with a deadly

mix of hairspray and ignorance.

Deliberate.

It seeps through every orifice it can find on me

- I’m not dead yet.

 

It’s not even revenge any more,

Though revenge was never good.

Greed. We’ve been against you from the start:

Righteous liar. Your first plea to the enemy,

“Do not destroy the oil wells.”

 

Radio; this morning news is passed to me through

my mother.

The anti-war websites are going to disappear.

Not by choice of course –

I don’t think they even offered an excuse

They just don’t want more people reading what will cause more opposition than there already is.

Their will forced on us. Their opinions.

And the voice of majority, basis of democracy

Openly Closed.

He wants money so we must ignore each other.

No choice.

 

What happened to freedom of speech?

 

Barbaric and primal.

We aren’t animals Ha.

If they knew what was happening,

They’d be ashamed to be in the same Class as us.

Poor and lucky wildlife.

I’m a human; how grotesque.

 

Our problems build up – each more

serious than the last.

Whine.

War in this ear,

Nightmare.

Five years ago there was hope.

How can he even claim to be democratic?

The hatred-worshipper's in power in the time of peace.

 

Peace. Please let me cry?

No?

Then I’ll just hover below the surface,

And look across through the oil.

Edited April 17, 2003 by Canid

[Wyvern]

Well done, Canid... this is a powerfull piece of blank verse. I particularly like the oxymoron of being "Openly Closed," and also thought that the way the poem was constructed, with certain lines containing no more than one word or phrase, was very evocative. The poem also echoes my personal sentiments concerning recent events quite accurately.

 

Wyvern recommends that Canid read "Makeshift Patriot" by Sage Francis (posted in the Library), as it also shares some similar themes with this piece.

[Tasslehoff]

very strong words Canid. I like very much.. Very well done.

[Zariah]

I understand how you feel about this. Unfortunately, certain people are not allowed to comment because of their jobs, but I can. I agree with you and how you feel. When I heard we had attacked, I burst into tears. We are helpless to make a stand against this, and I am brought to my knees when I think of all the death and destruction that will occur. However, I also think of what COULD happen if Saddam attacked any other country with his weapons of mass destruction or even aided terrorism here. I just keep praying that it is short and that they don't draft those people close to me. My boyfriend isn't even 18 yet, but he was forced to sign up to get finacial aid. It scares me, and angers me....but all I can do is pray for safety of our men over there, and the inocent civilians whom are being victimized by Saddam. It feels good to voice out my feelings. I hope that this can relieve any who wish they could speak but can't.

 

In terms of poetry, I find excellent use of vivid verbs and adjectives. And I like how you framed the oil around the poem (in beginning and ending). I also liked the single words standing alone to emphasize the intensity and feeling.

[Peredhil]

My feelings are that I'm pleased with the affirming freedom of speech we have here at the Pen. Look at the responses! Wonderful.

That you expressed your feelings with grammar and structure, so that opinions have become a work of art is one of the things the Pen is all about - in my opinion.

I'm choosing to notice a world where more people show to stage a demonstration for peace than show up for a war. I'm noticing the carefully presented images on my television of demonstrators imposing violence on Police clearing streets; I see then strong feelings displayed.

I wonder what the reporters agendas are. Truth? Rights? Ratings? What will I choose to believe? How can I confirm it?

I do know that when presenting a side to a story skillfully, showing the other side weakens your case. Thus when I research the freedom of assembly which allows demonstrators to express themselves in the United States of America, that the evil Police clearing the streets are taking legal actions to ensure emergency vehicles have the ability to pass freely, perhaps to potentially take a burnt baby to the hospital, or further that the demonstrators could've stayed for days peacefully if they stayed on the sidewalk after obtaining a free and freely granted permit.

When some Police do react to taunts and violence with a lack of self control, I see that strongly presented. Damn their badges for being human! If I were a reporter, I think I'd have to ignore all those who retained the professionalism - they don't grab ratings on the news.

 

As far as the war itself - I'm afraid I can't reply. I do agree with Wyvern - Poetic Justice is extremely well written and a pleasure to which to listen, whether one agrees with each track's content or not.

 

Having rambled in circles without really saying anything substancial at all, Peredhil wanders away.

[whynotsin]

Your poem express feelnig I've had about the current situation, and the laws that have clverely been passed under the guise of protecting our freedoms, when in realty they serve to further resitrivt us. 1984, thats what our wourld will become,if we don't stand up now.

[Quincunx]

Which laws are these, Whynotsin, at which level of government? Have you been personally touched by a loss of freedom? Do you remember what it was like before, in the halcyon days. . .when were the halcyon days? Right now your opinion quivers like jello, without backbone. Reinforce it. If it still lacks backbone, aim more deliberately for the emotions of the reader, you will still not satisfy me thus but at least the opintion will have a chance of being useful. I will not stand up without knowing why.

 

Canid, I LOVE the juxtaposition of hairspray and ignorance (ok, it's a bit more tilted at the ozone layer, but still ears shellac'd shut in both cases). "Righteous liar" does not mesh with the second stanza's message of greed, it evokes politicians not corporations; the full stop noun there is good but it could perhaps be tweaked. I'm puzzled by the mention of your mother as a filter for the news in the third stanza. Was there a full stop after "excuse", or did it get swallowed by the overlong and clumsy line following? The final four lines of stanza three are wonderfully balanced. The stanza that begins "Barbaric and primal" (fifth?) is only odd with the placement of the second line stop and the capitalization of Class--I know what you mean there through long acquaitance with you, but a passing reader would be confused. Maybe shuffle the sixth stanza, with its reference back to politics, into a different place, but do not alter it in any way.

[reverie]

to zariah...he did what? aye... no comment...

 

 

rev...

[Canid]

Ooooh! A commentary to reply to!

 

*clears throat*

"Righteous liar" does not mesh with the second stanza's message of greed, it evokes politicians not corporations

It wasn't supposed to evoke corporations. I actually mentioned it in my little pre-poem warning, but it's not my typical poem, and those few lines, staring with "Righteous liar" were in refferance to Bush. That particular insult is what I see him as.

The morning I wrote the poem, I had watched a snippet of his speech on the news. His expression was "can't you see I'm trying to help you" as he prommised that after the war, his intentions were to make life better for the Iraqi people. He goes on with an adress to the Iraqi soldiers, threatening to punnish them if they followed orders to do certain things he named, the first among his demands was "Do not destroy the oil wells." which really put his priorities in perspective.

 

I'm puzzled by the mention of your mother as a filter for the news in the third stanza.

I was in the hall. Mummy was in the kitchen. The news from the radio was passed to me -

I'm not a heavy metaphorical writer.

 

Was there a full stop after "excuse", or did it get swallowed by the overlong and clumsy line following?

I can't excuse the "clumsy line" really - other than it being free form. I'll note it for future use that long lines detract. As for the previous line, there was no full stop intended; merely a pause. If I had been keeping it grammatically correct I would have put in a semi-colen, but I didn't want to break it up that much - no actual reason.

 

the capitalization of Class--I know what you mean there through long acquaitance with you, but a passing reader would be confused.

For those of you she was refering to; I am something of a Bio-nut. Class is one of the levels of classification in Taxonomy. It is where we are divided up into mammals, reptiles, etc. On second thought I should have used the top level: Kingdom.

 

Maybe shuffle the sixth stanza, with its reference back to politics, into a different place, but do not alter it in any way.

The whole poem was about pollitics and I wanted to lead it back from the bio-branch I had led it onto(as I tend to do). Even so, I needed it there because it led into the last stanza in calling the modern era a time of peace.

 

 

Thank-you very very much for reviewing it - I find it very interesting to read those - And thank-you also to all those who read and commented; I enjoy hearing people's opinions, whether they agree with mine or not.