whynotsin Posted March 9, 2003 Report Posted March 9, 2003 Caught in an ambush. Your self on one side of the path, And your self on the other. You never learned to let go. So now you’re trapped between your self and your self. The rest of the world laughs at you . While you battle all the demons within. A little further down the path are yet more demons But…… All you have to do is open your eyes And like that they all go away.
Archaneus Posted March 9, 2003 Report Posted March 9, 2003 I like the concept but I think you coudl improve it a lot if you worked on the wording.
whynotsin Posted March 9, 2003 Author Report Posted March 9, 2003 ah I guess, something I threw out there. maybe I will
whynotsin Posted March 9, 2003 Author Report Posted March 9, 2003 Maybe this version is a little better, tell me if it's any better. Caught in an ambush, Facing down the barrel of a gun, The one holding it your self You never learned to let go, So now you pay, The rest of the world laughs at you Watching you struggle with invisible demons You look a little further ahead and you see more invisible beast But…… All you have to do is open your eyes And let go. Forget about the woes and go.
Zariah Posted March 9, 2003 Report Posted March 9, 2003 I like the scond version better. Try adding some personal recognition of your (or your particular narrorator's) amotional reaction to the beasts coming.
Archaneus Posted March 9, 2003 Report Posted March 9, 2003 (edited) Oh, sorry, I guess I gave the wrong idea. I didn't mean to rewrite it like that. I meant keep it almost the same just maybe change a couple words and things like that. I'm flatterd someone actually took my ideas for once. On that note I do say that now I think the second one does sound better. Edited March 9, 2003 by Archaneus
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