Cyril Darkcloud Posted March 6, 2003 Report Posted March 6, 2003 Wednesday's Ashes Wednesday's ashes have left an itch on my skull on the bones down under my skin. My forehead is clean. There's no trace of the smear the priest pressed there over my nose. No stain. No streaks. No pieces of cinder. Nothing at all but this itch in my skull on the bones down under my skin.
Peredhil Posted March 6, 2003 Report Posted March 6, 2003 You write such skilled poetry it's hard for me to comment. I tend to read it on many levels... To me, this begins the thought train that Ash Wednesday isn't just an external ritual, but a guide to something deeper. The thoughts multiple from there...
Tasslehoff Posted March 7, 2003 Report Posted March 7, 2003 WoW Cyril. Thats so good. You are such an amazing poet.. Bravo man! Bravo!
Cerulean Posted March 7, 2003 Report Posted March 7, 2003 This was the last thing I read before sleeping last night. Its rhythms and repetitions haunted my thoughts for quite some while. I've come back to it a few times since - and I want to read it without the line 'over my nose'. I can see in 'nose' a connecting assonance with 'bones' which comes before and later.... but still, for some reason, my idiot brain wants to skip over this line directly to the more powerful 'No' lines - which read to me as three hammer blows echoing the 'There's no trace of the smear' line. Hmmm - I'm well aware that this may make no sense at all. Here's a grain of salt Cyril, I give it out along with all my attempted crits. C.
Cyril Darkcloud Posted March 7, 2003 Author Report Posted March 7, 2003 There's no need for the grain of salt, Cerulean. You're comment is right on target, that line is unnecessary and only serves to weaken the blunt and direct movement of the following sequence of definite negations. In fact, reading the piece outloud again I was struck by how quickly my voice passes over its syllables as if they were little more than placemarkers. Thank you for pointing that out. Let's have a look at how it reads without the line. Wednesday's Ashes Wednesday's ashes have left an itch on my skull on the bones down under my skin. My forehead is clean. There's no trace of the smear the priest pressed there. No stain. No streaks. No pieces of cinder. Nothing at all but this itch in my skull on the bones down under my skin. I do like it better this way. Time to let it percolate a bit and see if that change suggests any others.
Quincunx Posted March 8, 2003 Report Posted March 8, 2003 I think I need to add a new poem to the Cabaret Room list of most meaningful works. . .
Gwaihir Posted March 8, 2003 Report Posted March 8, 2003 Quin-Now that's a list I'd love to read. Cyril, I've been restraining myself from commenting for a while, because I can't make the criticism you do, but...ce la vie I notice that whenever I read this, I almost make a stanza break between lines four and five. The break between them feels large. I think I like that, and I bet it's intended, but it interests me. Definitely a poem that leaves me asking questions, like why does it leave an itch. Glad I read it.
SoaringIcarus Posted March 9, 2003 Report Posted March 9, 2003 Personally I like the 'over my nose' line, like I could see you gesturing to it, while your eyes are distant and wondering. Just adding to the thought pool. I enjoyed how distinct the author's voice was. -Icarus
Cyril Darkcloud Posted March 9, 2003 Author Report Posted March 9, 2003 (edited) Thank you all for such thoughtful comments and feedback. Gwaihir, your sense of things shifting from line 4 to line 5 is accurate. Perhaps the simplest way to explain it is that the cadences of the first 4 lines are the typical cadences I employ when speaking in a reflective key. The next several lines however, are the blunt statements of factual assertions. There is another shift at the end of the piece as assertion revisits reflection. I wish I could say that all of that is planned, but most of it originates in my own natural patterns of speech. On a technical note, the first 4 lines make use of swifter moving combinations of syllables. In particular I use a number of anapestic units [2 unstressed and 1 stressed syllable] – such as ‘on my skull’ and ‘on the bones.’ I tend to use these a lot in reflective moods as they move quickly and can bring a reader deeply into a set of ideas in a series of swift motions that are barely noticed. The ‘No’ statements, on the other hand move very slowly as they rely on putting stressed syllables close together – ‘No stain’ and ‘No streaks.’ These work well when one wants to slow things down and direct the reader’s attention to something specific and hold it there. A general rule of thumb – groups of unstressed syllables tend to move swiftly; stressed syllables grouped together slow things down. Again, I did not set out to design the piece this way. Much of it naturally took this shape. A little knowledge of how combinations of stressed an unstressed syllables work allowed me to tighten things into the shape the piece ultimately took. As for the itch ..... figuring that out is the reader’s job. Edited March 9, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud
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