Thanks

[Vlad]

The following are the thoughts of one teenage male (me) at roughly eleven p.m.

I wrote them on paper, as a reminder to post them here.

The times/tenses have NOT been changed, so bear with it.

 

*****************************

 

Members and guests of the pen: I would like to thank ou all for the precious gift of life. Were it not for you, I would most likely be in no condition to be writing this now. My mind may not be functioning properly, so this is written as is. Raw, unedited, pure ME.

 

I began to wonder not too long ago, why am I here? Friends and family can't be the correct answer. The support I get from family is simply a joke; they push me farther than I'm willing - or able - to go. Friends, I've been pushing them away slowly but steadily for the past few days. I keep telling myself that it's for their own good, so they don't get hurt. More likely is the possibility that I don't want to get hurt.

 

I believe that I recently got a taste of what real life actually is. Everything went wrong at work, so I got to stay for another shift. It's midterm week at school, consequently I had three essays due Monday. I also have four or five tests coming up throughout the week. Extra-cirricular activities seem to be slowly sucking away more and more of my time. I haven't had enough time for any reasonable amount of sleep this past week. The past thirty hours, I've lived solely off of chocolate chip cookies and gummi bears. Combine that with the "regulars" of peer pressure, staying at least moderatly fit, and keeping up with my friends' problems to be that shoulder to cry on doesn't make things any easier. Also, an old sports (knee) injury, which gives me a pretty bad limp, seems to have resurfaced.

 

A quote that I recently read - To the world, you may be one person; to one person, you may be the world. - keeps cropping up in my thoughts. There is a girl I like, but I seriously doubt the feeling is mutual. I'm not very good at conversations that involve thinking on my feet. I tried thinking of the quote conversly, if anybody cared about me that much. My thoughts remained void of all names, which just goes to prove how overworked, or unloved, I really am. Neither possibility was enough to make me want to continue a life where I slowly drudge through my own kind of torture.

 

Next, my thoughts went towards what I loved to do, and if I would miss it in death. The first thing that I wondered about were my Rubik's cube and various assortment of puzzles lying around my room. These items seem to be part of the problem, increasing my frustration, and giving me unnecassary headaches. I thought about fun and recreation. Shooting people on X-box Live had become tedious, as had internet chess. Warcraft III was still good for plenty of entertainment, but it alone wasn't enough to change my mind. Lastly I though of poetry... and words... and the pen... and the people here...

 

I thought about every single person individually. For each person, I remembered a moment which made me smile. Because of everybody here, I'm able to write my thanks. I cannot explain how much reading the comments on my work, positive or negative, lifts my spirits, if only by a little bit. I cannot explain how much everybody here means to me.

 

Before, my sense of humor helped my through life. It got me through my grandpa's death, through September eleventh, through a multitude of tough times. I would describe mysense of humor as wry, sarcastic, ironic, possibly even sardonic. As I have grown older and matured, many teachers have tried to squelch my sort of humor, and as I am sad to say, they are succeding.

 

The Pen is a refuge. The first and last refuge. When things go wrong, I know I can come here. I chose to post this now, after the problems have started to resolve themselves, because another Pen member was in need of support. Ken (Deggy) needed your support and assistance more than I. As I write this, tears come to my eyes, knowing how much you guys love and care about each other. I am honored to be part of a community such as this.

 

I know that I cannot go on a haitus from here if things go awry in real life. You guys are what can, and will fix those problems. You are my inspiration to life. I love you all. As I look at my watch-watch, and realise that I have spent a full hour writing this, I believe I should conclude. Pouring out my soul, and shedding a tear for every word, I thank you all from the deepest depths of my heart. I am forever in your debt, and will repay it the only way I know how. By writing more; spreading more emotion, be it happy or sad, for that is what I can do.

 

Thank you all for being part of this community, and for reading this rather long peice of text. Thank you.

 

- Mike Alex Drob a.k.a. 'Vlad'

[Peredhil]

Hugs.

 

Life seems to go in waves, and hit everyone at once. It will try to get each person so sucked into THEIR feelings and THEIR problems that they have no time for anyone else.

 

The only way to combat that is to turn outward and find someone to love or help - expecting nothing, even gratitude, in return. One act of kindness. It's a freeing thing and aligns you firmly with the Good in the universe.

 

I'm mindful of the story of Job in the Bible, at the very end. It wasn't until he got up and made intercession for his three friends, despite his dead children and his running sores, that he began to heal and his life began to turn around.

 

I know when I'm down, I try to find some way to give.

 

My two cents.

 

Hugs again

 

Hang in there. As much as fallable distractable human beings can (in other words, every human alive), we care.

 

-Peredhil

(Law D.)

[Degenero Angelus]

Honestly, I'm speechless.

 

If my suffering helped you in anyway, and it seems like it did, then I'm more than happy to suffer. No single person need comfort more than any other. Trust me on this. I needed help, and I got it. All you have to do is ask. We're lucky, you and I, to be a part of the Pen. I've never even seen a collection of better people in my life. There're people here I wouldn't be alive without. Lawrence up there is one of them. He's been one of the most helpful people in my life, and The Pen has been one of the most helpful place in my life. Some of the people are just here to share their gift of writing, and that's a great thing. Other are here for more, though. Some of us are here for companionship and commaradare. We're here to help people, and to be helped when we need it. My psychiatrist helps me through less of my problems than the people here do. No matter what's wrong, there's someone here that's been through it, or something similar, and they can empathize.

 

You've got friends, Mike, and I'm one of them. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Especially since I'm in the same boat you are. *hugs*

Edited March 5, 2003 by Degenero Angelus

[Brute]

Vlad- I'm not sure what particular you chuckled at if and when you thought of something I said or wrote, but if it granted you a moment of escape from the sometimes heavy chains of life that burden us all, then I am glad to be of service. Brute bows.

 

I seem to think that you have within you a deep reserve of wisdom. I also think that the quote you mentioned merely echoes your own thoughts, for you sound like someone who is willing to brave the hardships of life for no other reason than to be there at that one special moment when someone else, lost in gloom, needs a beacon to light their way. Peredhil said as much with a bit more brevity and a tad more concise than me, I'm afraid. It makes me glad that in your time of need, you have found a light to guide you in the community that is the Pen. We are more than writers and poets, I think. We are friends that listen and understand.

 

I think everyone here has had troubled times behind them, and I can guarantee that every single person here will have more yet to come. Such is life. But it's the glorious time between, when your heart knows contentment, and it will, trust me, and your head swims with brilliant ideas, for they will come, then will we embrace the possibilities life has to offer, good or bad, with courage in us.

 

Bad things happen to us humans, I'm sorry to say. However, great things happen just as often. The Pen is one of the great things. That signature I have is something I made up a long time ago when I was alone, it seemed, in the darkness of despair. Then I realized that it gets better by pushing past the bad parts and soaking up the warm days full of sunshine and laughter. If none of this has made any sense to you, I apologize. I ramble a bit, you see. But do remember one thing above all: keep hold of your sense of humor and apply it to most everything in life. It does no good to cry in despair, but laughter....that will lift your soul.

 

 

One last parting note....the Pen is richer with your presence. Don't deprive us of that. Keep yer chin up.

[Vlad]

Thanks again to everyone who read and responded, or just read.

I do wonder where those 50+ views came from...

 

Things are turning around. Slowly, but surely...

I appreciate everyone's support, but there are a few people that I wouldn't want reading this.

I figure that "advertising" the pen at school could use a break anyways...

 

Most of the gripes that I mentioned earlier, are going away...

Getting enough sleep, and had half a pizza yesterday.

Did well on the essays so tests aren't so important now.

Tripping and falling onto a pipe, getting my [genitalia] nearly impaled was bit and a little but I'm fine now.

 

It felt like the world started to back off when I first wrote it down, then again when I posted it here.

I'm not surprised that Peredhil responded first, but you presented an interesting viewpoint, which helped me clear my thoughts.

Ken - I don't think that your suffering helped me, only showed me that things get better. I reread my own advice, and now know that it's so much easier to comment from the sidelines.

Brute - Most things you do make me chuckle. You're just a loveable, balding, drunkard of a fuzzball!

also, for your sig the code would look like this:

<font color=green><font size=7>Text</font>

Again, I thank you all.

[Yui-chan]

I think we're all only glad that the Pen and her people are helpful to you. It's part of the purpose for this place, after all, even if it weren't part of the core nature of just about everyone here.

 

Best to you, Vlad.

 

~Yui

[Archaneus]

Well, I don't have a long, important speech like most everyone else, but I will say that I am glad things are turning around, Vlad. I agree with the others, this is a place of friends and a place where we are a family to help and support each other in our writing and our lives, but I guess everyone else already said that.

 

Well, here's one good thing, when you get down you can always go kick the crap out of n00bs in Warcraft 3. Heheheh.

 

I wish the best.

[Tasslehoff]

I echo Archaneus in not having a long speech for you Vlad, but hey, I think its awesome that The Pen strives like it does and that the member we have are so awesome. I have never seen on resentment of hate and everybody is willing to help and I think it just brings this community even closer together, even if we are worlds apart.

[reverie]

um, kinda late on this one... heh, am getting my brain slammed by college and work myself, hmm not really much to add that wasn't already covered by other ppls... so i'll just give you a few of my OMG !!!! DANGER DANGER HOLY #@$%@$ @#$@#$ copeing tips...

 

 

*drink water, it helps...

 

*In rush meal literally running out the door: spoon peanut butter and triple bread cheese layer sandwich...

(i.e. slice, cheese, slice, cheese, slice.)

 

*peppermints reduce stress: in korea i carried around a bag of them.

 

*tums/rolaids: same as above... plus you can pass them out to ppl that need them more than you...

 

*use someone as a sound board...(tell them, you just venting and don't need a rescurer or anyfeedback, but be polite about it)

 

*get a calender.

 

*when in doubt, ask!!!!

 

 

okay, hope some of that helps...

 

rev_out...

[Peredhil]

Those are good practical tips...

[The Big Pointy One]

Yeah Vlad, the most important thing, no matter what, is to perservere. Things get stressful and crazy, and that's all life. But it all balances out; having a great family like The Pen is a great thing to have, and I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say we're happy to have you among our numbers ^.^ (Okay, I could have worded that better, but yeah... stuff...)

 

What else can I say? I think it's all been said ^.^

 

Keep it cool

[HopperWolf]

yes, it's all been said. I just want to add my voice to all saying it.

[Falcon2001]

*Grins*

 

I hear ya there, Vlad.

 

This place has helped me through so much that I can't even begin to start listing things. Multiple suicide attempts, depression streaks deeper than the ocean, and life in general have all been healed by this place and all it stands for.

 

But I must warn you about one thing - Though it is true that putting others before you is a good thing, take it to far and you'll fall into my personal little hole - where you begin to find yourself convinced that you're not worth anything and that you are atoning for your sins by helping others.

 

The pain from that is worse than anything inflicted from without, because you know that you brought it upon yourself and can't blame anyone else for it - and that's where the spiral begins.

 

I'm just beginning to drag myself out of that pit, so I warn you to always remember your worth.

 

Always.

[Lady Celes Crusader]

This communuty is indeed one of a kind when it comes to help each other. While at first we helped each other with our writing, it ended up that we helped each other for anything.

 

I'm glad to be a part of this community and I'm more than happy when poeple have found the help they needed at crucial times of their lives within the Pen.

[Peredhil]

Oh EXCELLENT point Falcon!

 

We're to love others as we love ourselves...

which implies you ARE to love yourself.

 

Actually, thinking about it, loving others more than yourself leads to being a Doormat.

Loving others less that you in too great an imbalance might lead to being a User.

 

Balance... Balance is hard.

 

I'm reminded of the Logrolling axiom - Logrolling is throwing a turned log into the water and trying to stay on top of it - "Stay on top of the log."

That sounds easy, until you realize this is a circle in the water. the "top" is always changing.

So to stay on top of the log, you're always moving and adjusting, either tiny amounts when the log is "stationary" or running as fast as you can when the log is spinning rapidly in the water. All to stay on top.

 

What a long ramble!

 

Hey Vlad! Stay on top of your love.

[Cerulean]

Hey Vlad,

 

Just an extra *huuuuug* coming your way.

 

Cerulean's philosophy: You can never get too many hugs or too much pizza.

 

Take care,

 

C

[Tralla]

*hugtackles Vlad* awww love you too hunnie! Great to have you around! You've added your own special brand of charm to the pen, and it's great having you here.

Seriously, though... to add my own somewhat-less-inspirational philosophy to the pot... Above all other things, above all the people, and all the goals, and everything else in my life, this is what truly kept me alive:

No matter how far you fall, and how bad things get, and how little you think of yourself or your life, and even if you start to doubt this, it's proven itself to me, time and again - Things WILL get better, if you can just wait it out, and... keep wishing for something better.

AP-E, Vlad. You're a star, so keep at it.