Passionsrejected05 Posted March 4, 2003 Report Posted March 4, 2003 Insignificant Other I see you walk by. Time after time, One day a smile, One day a frown. How can we make it somehow? I want to love you. Do you love me? I want to need you, Do you need me? Will you be mine is what I said. Why do I feel like my heart is in a bind? Make up then break up. Same old rhyme every time. I want you to hold me. Let me shape you. Love you, Adore you, Be with YOU, Love ME.
Archaneus Posted March 4, 2003 Report Posted March 4, 2003 I like this, it conveys a sense of urgency and need then as it progresses seems go more and more into hurt and anger. I picture the last two lines as if the person is yelling them in the other's face. Although this could just be my slightly (<---sarcasm) psychotic tendencies. Mwuahahahahaha! ~clears throat loudly~ I'm okay. Seriously, Great job.
The Portrait of Zool Posted March 4, 2003 Report Posted March 4, 2003 It's very passionate, passionsrejected.
Peredhil Posted March 4, 2003 Report Posted March 4, 2003 I like this, from the play on words in the title, to the way you wrote it. The need to love, the need to want - very well said. Puts responsibility for your emotions with you - without denying their incredible power and desire. Good job.
Cyril Darkcloud Posted March 7, 2003 Report Posted March 7, 2003 Questions of other and questions of self, feelings of emptiness in the opening of hands that long to be held. Questions of want and questions of need and that uncertain feeling when another is seen. Statements of longing and words of desire give rise to questions and with them conspire to change our perceptions of the meaning of loss and the nature of gain and to awaken within us feelings that are often too subtle to name. A nice piece of writing, Passsions Rejected. In particular the short, strongly and directly worded lines work very well. The effect of the capitalized YOU and ME of the final lines is surprisingly effective – often this sort of thing weakens a piece, but that is not the case here. The sequence of statement followed by question is powerful, especially as the statements themselves have an element of uncertainty about them. The “I want to” statements are a very fine touch and contrast well with the “Do you” questions. That short section provides a strong heartbeat to the piece. If you get a chance, a couple of your lines could use a little work, especially those that are longer than the others. Again, nicely done and thanks for a good read. Keep writing.
SoaringIcarus Posted March 9, 2003 Report Posted March 9, 2003 How incredibly quaint. The meter serves the author's voice very well. It makes me think of the innocence of grade-school valentines'. -Icarus
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