Through the Mist

[Deadly Nightshade]

Through the Mist

There lay a treasure

What that treasure it no one knows

But it is big and it is nice

 

Through the Mist

There lay a trap

Painful and sharp

but beyond that lay the treasure

 

Through the Mist

There rest a hunter

Waiting to pounce

And tare apart

 

Through the Mist

There lay death

Even the toughest may fall frail

Will you pass Through the Mist?

[Archaneus]

Sounds to me like some sort of summons to heros or opening to a quest in a book. That could just be my strange thought patterns.

Edited March 1, 2003 by Archaneus

[Tasslehoff]

I think the treasure is you.. Therefore, I shall make it through the mist! ONWARD!

 

* starts to run throught the mist, only the slam into the from door of the Banquet Room.. *

 

" Erm, HeH. Forgot to opent he door " Mumbles the injured Angel before he falls over, knocked out

 

 

OOC: That was very good ready Nightshade. =)

[Vlad]

This is a good poem, with an interesting epithet.

It flows well, except for the last stanza.

It seems a bit choppy with the last two lines being longer than everything else.

If you were to rewrite it perhaps you could make

Even the toughest may fall frail

into two lines and have

Will you pass Through the Mist?

be by itself. Maybe even two or three blank lines before it.

 

Watch your spelling and think about where you end the lines.

Both of those seem a bit distracting, and may detract from the meaning.

[Peredhil]

hmmm. I agree with Vlad about the spelling - but don't ever worry about that until AFTER you've gotten the poem down.

 

You have the core images of a neat idea here. This could be the introduction to a short story even. If you went back and reworked it a little, you'd really have a polished gem.

 

As it is, it already sparkles to me. I like poems of this nature, so maybe I'm a bit biased.

 

Good job!