Elvida Posted February 28, 2003 Report Posted February 28, 2003 Feel free to make suggestions on my poem in the Writer's Workshop.lol.....i need help.
Tasslehoff Posted March 2, 2003 Report Posted March 2, 2003 Well Elvida, your poem was good as it is.. There are maybe a few suggestion I could make? I have copied the poem onto notepad, and will look over it a few times, and see what I can think of.. `k? try to get back to you soon!
Cyril Darkcloud Posted March 6, 2003 Report Posted March 6, 2003 Elvida, You make use of an intriguing structural device in the poem which is both unusual and effective. While the referent of the poem remains constant from beginning to end, the piece develops by means of shifting the point of view from one stanza to the next: Stanza 1 -- The narrator of the poem is speaking about herself [1st person singular "I"] and describes her own feelings. Stanza 2 -- The narrator now speaks about others [3rd person plural "they"] and describes herself in terms of their questions and puzzlement. Stanza 3 -- The narrator now engages the reader directly [2nd person "You"] and describes herself in terms of the reader's actions This is a clever and skillful use different forms of address -- self-reflection, observation, direct address -- and with a bit of careful attention might be made even more effective. You might want to look at ways of connecting the stanzas more strongly to one another -- does the smile from stanza 2, for example, get seen by the reader in stanza 3? A couple small things that you might want to consider changing: 1. stanza 1, line 3 -- I walk endlessly for hours This is a contradiction that doesn't work -- endless is only a matter of hours? A bit of simple rewording should suffice to make this line more effective. 2. stanza 2, line 1 -- .... ruin my reverie The word reverie implies a calm state that is not really consistent with your use of ideas like being consumed or having fire in one's blood in the previous stanza. 3. stanza 2, lines 2 and 3 -- the who I am is redundant with the next line and the stanza would be stronger if you simply drop it This is a neat bit of work -- keep writing!
Peredhil Posted March 6, 2003 Report Posted March 6, 2003 These are personal stylistic suggestions. Not really stronger or better stuff, just different ways of playing with the words. I tend to work with the feelings and rhythmn around the words... About the only quantitative feedback would be to add a space after the comma and before wondering, in the 2nd stanza/2nd line. On to word play. What if... in the first stanza. Boldness in the night, her life flourishes, released from the beating of the sun... For some reason the lines beginning with the double 'I's bother me. How about something like. "I prowl endlessly along the road" gives connotations of a cat, a predator, a creature natural and part of the darkness to me. Power moving smoothly through it's element. In the Second Stanza... I'd drop the "Then" in the first line. Sequence is already implied. "A group of people ruin my raging thoughts" I like the way the alliteration of the repeated 'r' sounds rolls off the tongue. Do you read or whisper your works aloud? It's neat when a line tastes good. If you wanted, you could explore changing "They turn and gaze, wondering who this black-clad girl is" to "They turn and gaze, wondering "who is this black-clad girl," That does a couple of things to my reading. it ends both fragments with a hard 'g' sound, implying a certain rhythm. it moves the thought into the minds of "they" emphazing the 3rd person perspective. It implies the wonder with an implicit emphasis on 'is'. who IS this... which foreshadows the poetic response in the third stanza. For extra impact, although it makes her a bit more powerful by implication, you could continue it with "That dares to stalk in the night." or even MORE powerfully because of the shortened harder thrust - "That stalks the night." This really contrasts their perception, the judgement and fear of the sudden appearance of someone alone and different. The use of the quotes also links and contrasts their thinking from yours in the transition phrase that follows. "I am the girl you pass by at night," Maybe echo it back to the first stanza's "alive in it"? "I am the girl you pass by in the night," They are passing you in the night, but they only do it in the safety of numbers. You are alone. this line completes the transition from them back to you with its finish "Who watches you as you walk away." You could change 'walk' to 'scurry'. Like mice under the eyes of a pantheress. There you have my idea of Writer Workshop feedback. I hope it helps you refine your ideas, in seeing mine. At this point, it would be different - not better. Great job! hugs Ancient Peredhil
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