Elvida Posted February 23, 2003 Report Posted February 23, 2003 (edited) Who's That Girl ------------------- The darkness of night consumes me, I feel alive in it, as fire floods my veins. I walk endlessly for hours, Dreaming and hoping, Wondering and waiting. Then a group of people ruin my reverie. They turn and gaze, wondering who I am. Who this black-clad girl is, That dares to walk in the night. I just smile and think, "This is me." I am the girl you pass by at night, Who watches you as you walk away. I am the shadow in the night. The one that thrives in The delicious darkness of it all. --------------------------------------- I think it needs more work......any suggestions?I only changed a few words, and a couple lines in the first verse...... Edited February 24, 2003 by Elvida
DoomGaze Posted February 23, 2003 Report Posted February 23, 2003 to me, it seems a little short, but anyhow it is still good, maybe add another stanza? i dunno, thats my 2 cents worth
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 23, 2003 Report Posted February 23, 2003 Elvida, It's good to see you working on this piece as it has a number of very promising ideas. You might want to consider starting a thread in the Writer's Workshop for your rewriting. This has a few advantages: 1. It would allow you to keep all of your drafts in one thread so that others can follow your thinking and give you better feedback on the changes you've made. Here, for example, to see your changes a reader has to hunt down the original piece you've posted and then compare it with the new draft. 2. It makes it easier for you to track down your work if you want to let a piece sit for a while before coming back to it. 3. The odds of getting more detailed feedback on a rewritten piece are a bit better there as feedback posts in the Banquet Room tend to be shorter and less technical. 4. You might be able to pick up some good ideas about how to work with the piece from browsing the other threads in the Writers' Workshop and Critics' Corner. 5. It allows others to learn from you if they can follow along with your process of revising your work. I think it says a lot about your desire to grow as a writer to be willing to work on improving a piece you've already posted. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this piece. Keep writing!
Vlad Posted February 23, 2003 Report Posted February 23, 2003 I wal endlessly for hours,perhaps spelling? (wail) also, this poem conveys an interesting feeling that I can't put into words. It send a shiver down my spine, not a bad one mind you, just a shiver. I agree that it deserves to be posted in the Writer's workshop. You will get more feed back from there...
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