Vigil StarGazer Posted February 21, 2003 Report Posted February 21, 2003 (edited) "Saw you" Saw you across the Threater, passing by a crowd it's been so long Since you flashed across my mind. How have you been? How has life been treating you? How is your little baby kitten, that hides behind your door? Oh it's grown too big to hide anymore. Are you still happy? happy that you are far away from me? have you even thought of me lately? As I drown myself in misery. I see him beside you the better person who i cannot be what a pair you two might have been him instead of you and me. It's been ages since I sense jeolosy It leaves in the heart a bitter taste burn him, being so close to you and make your cheek flush like i never will both of you, inside your world and i stood alone with the rest nails bitting, raw palm bleeding again finding myself to detest I am not fine. unknowning to you, i turned away before you could see expressions on my face. it's not necessary for farewell I said goodbyes the day I was left behind. "Why the Dark Mysterious Figure Wander..." Sweet pleasure of pain when I was with you longing, when you are gone but more so when you are here with me. The greatest distance that love cannot overcome was few physical inches between us "You do not know I loved you," The inches told me so. That is both a blessing and a curse. Your life in a magic Mirror The wealth of treasure: your soul. Beauty in your own reflection but reflecting my wretched soul. When i saw my tainted face in the reflection of your eyes I'd to cover my face and cry. Your love is the sanctuary that I dare not intrude. Insanity is imminant, from the times we've been so close. Heaven has been robbed from me So it's to Hell I go. Behind, I must leave, Your warm, your sweetness, your smile "You are not meant for me." and it pains me that I know. I wished to hold you in my memory when I've lost everything else your face, your smell, your taste your love I must learn to lived without Wondering how you've been and if someone will hold you dear because I'm not longer near. Sweet pain it is, to know that you do love because i'm not worthy, and you are so above. and that I've gave and sacrificed Until my blood freely runs dry Until I could not give no more, knowing you are happy is surficed To my fate, I do not weep thou my purpose is senselessly weak for she care not of my existances. All this experience had me taught that this is only the cruel joke of God In darkness I ponder To Hate, and hoping to perchance to Wake; To end this horrid fate because it is now all too late. Somehow I must stop the bleeding but now I have nothing except my needing running away the meomories of her, forever fleeing "To Love, and then be rejected and then destined to be alone." That is why the Dark Mysterious Figure wanders "Stranger" I've been a stranger since endless days and i've grown stranger in a lot of ways Now no matter how strange you might've been I'll always be stranger to you it seems. The Stranger in this world, is loveless They hate us, They Hate us The Strange-ness in your life, is senseless To flee we must. I've been a stranger in every place braving the moonlight; hiding in haze. You know you are strange by every means, when you're the stranger in your own scene. The strangeness, in our lives that You miss, that I miss The stranger, the lies that will be our demise "Love Sickness" There is no immuity to a sickness call Love, the plague of humanity That God sent above. Targeting unsuspecting subjects infecting the helpless victims, effecting them in the strangest way showing all signs of the symdrome: Nerves sparks, numbed brain, the heart beats to a feaver. undergoing drastic changes just to find a way to meet her. The moment they locked eyes they go into a trance. freezing their preception of time, morals & reason hold no chance. the patient became dillusional their mood changes in an instant. Behaving like there's no tomorrow, forgoing food and other substances. To dream about the other's fondness if both have the same chemistry and would drown in love sickness forgetting all other misery. Such strange diesase it's called. to cure, no remedy will do. The cure is an addictive Drug What the doc prescripted is Love. "Regrets" Digging the past with my bare hands Imprisoned myself in my own Tower Memories flow from thy hands like sand re-living a lifetime by the hour. Beauty is she who comes in the name of the lord from heaven sent the angel of smoothest clay paradox paradonia, the gift cursing from God fired to prefection like an open vase. Memories whispered haunting betrayal of previous pass, and the love that I've failed Jeolously guarding my broken heart and holding on, fearing what's left to be lost. and to open my heart I must not. for the memories of love echo my only hate; to love her, never! I could not. because to heal my heart is now too late. But then lies the cruelest Fate and god humbles us with our own errors She was another broken heart, but it was too late she'd fled in sorrows, and I've lost her forever. "Star Dream: Strange Poetry" Night Wind, drifiting on the Solar system into the depth of other space. Drifting, in the tragic kingdom living your painful fantasy. letting your soul be unbind like light from the end of the tunnel let time unwhine Star Dream, Dazzing on the milky way away from the cruel cold sun. wasting, the final days away, dreaming away from reality empty your thoughts from your mind and the drug seeping into your marrow and a second will be a eternity of time. and Fading Light Dying on the alien horizon sparks the first of the stars. Wandering, in the mist of strange seasons. existinging for an eternity finally ending the intoxication by falling into the blackness hollow Sorrowfully divine. P.S You have a disease, let me cure it "First time behind Held" ... and then you gave me a hug and it was bitter sweet like the warm of a fire in the hearts of winter but my heart resisted knowing that I should for the hormones in my veins and heart lusting for desire. Friendly feeling, I reminded myself but somehow I just cannot let go. closing my eyes, resting on each other, and letting that moment lasted forever. "Nobody" Of all the heavy-heartness that was there Loneliness was the hardest one to bare. The burdun of facing every tomorrow. Nobody has ever known my sorrow. I am another soulless in this world. when around me temptation twrils. Because they've not where i've been, Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. I'm a Loner ever so Naturally Born but loneliness has my heart to torn. Love & Innocences, going down to Waste Nobody faces what I have to face. Failures becomes me, as time goes by No matter how hard I've really try. Somewhat I feel I'm going Nowhere Thus Nobody is the name I bare. "The Demon within" . .. ... .... "It all started one day...Help me....." Refrain 1: There's a Demon Inside of me. Why can't it just let me be? I just long to be free So get the f*ck out of me!! It Lurks the back of my mind It whispers to me all the time. It's not something you can relate When every moment's driven by hate. As i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, They all flee from me for the evils I have. Self Control I seems to have lack upon the innocent i' drawn to attack. I'm really not insane am I? as i send all these innocents to die I think I'm begining to lose control and that's why the story have to be told. Refrain 1: There's a Demon Inside of me. Why can't it just let me be? I just long to be free So get the f*ck out of me!! The people needs to be cure. so I begin with a mass-a-cure. no more disturbing as it seems as I hack apart their limb. addicted I am it needs to be stop but tainted flash needs to be chopped There seems to be no Salvation as I sink down throught Sweet Depression Refrain1: There's a Demon Inside of me. Why can't it just let me be? I just long to be free So get the f*ck out of me!! There's the demon inside of me So why don't you just let me be I just long to be free So please stay away from me. For I am the Demon In Side of Meeeeeeee!!!!!! (Repeat) "Clueless" Alone i feel, inside a crowd and I don't know why. Loneliness is only a state of mind. For somewhere, Angels sits on clouds watching our lives gone by Surely one of them has to be mine. Sonewhere in life, hides the gold but where it is no one knows I just wish to find it before my time. And time is slipping, I cannot hold watching hepless as fate unfolds An my life sinks within a bottle of wine. "Meaning of Love" Be-seige a quest You and I To find love she said is the greatest test Searching for her one in a million when you found her she's already taken Some wanders lost drowned in Temptation "every women is easy" they become jerks. But we don't read minds especially yours we don't understand what that is for. Love lost, they had women's sympathy but love they won't offer because he's too ugly I am not Perfect I am just a man lonely I do feel but weak I am not. Why do we lie? and held empty boast because you likes it believing in lies. I an not handsome I'm not rich but neither are you we play the same game Now i paid for dinner and i held the doors chasing after you just wanting to be with you Using all my strenght Using all my mind why can't it be the other way so much for 90's equality Unhappily together I made time for you and meet you somewhere so you can show up late. Silence echoed in the fone lasping the time we spend there is nothing left to say we all know our fakious tone Handsome meets beauty and happily married medicore liveds with medicoreness and what am I left with? uglyness, I hate myself this is truely pain Driving me insane. and this, is what I have to say. For all that is above I wished I believed in love. "Incomplete meaning of the Universe" Some people are destined to be lonely forever... to them the world is always grey "What is Love?" They all asked. For Love is something they cannot feel Love is for one to accept another.... It's hard for them to even accept themselves... When everyone else just seems better and when you got nothing to show. There are always people in the lower rung when the society's standards are high. and when these people died out they say the world improved. When one man sees reality and when majority is still so blind: "Scorn the man, accuse him of insanity Damn the man, for seeing the truth behind." Two strangers sucided, or so say the news. "but don't forget the staving african child." the reporter expressed that view to the crowd and turned us away from another issue. African Children, no longer starving. but not because of white man's giving. instead of earning an honest living they sat in frount of the TV, Craving... Turned on your Tv, the window to your world. Pop stars that couldn't sing and models, rolemodels without a brain. something you can screw by offering a drink. The Left handed bible, a book. preaching what's good is evil. priests get paid to sway morals and fondle little boys with his right. Children! storytale of princess and heros teaching them to look pretty and nice telling them to kill, lie and steal and then lived happily every after. Let a number determine your fate A letter to mark your life... a paper to prove your intelligence and to succeed? A smile on your face. Love is... lalalala It's love at first sight, forgetting the second he looks faster, better, stronger. So Ditching your current one is just natural selection. The people build a system of climbing over shit and other dead bodies Trapping themselves in a tower called baal, and hail "Deux ex Machina!" the little girl piled some sand, and placed souls on the orb. watching them die by the hundred thousands. "Oops!" she said, as she flew out the door. "S-A-D" Escaping me, Lingering in the air. Stiletto forming the perfect shape And watch it drifts and dissipates. Slowly robbing my life away. Slowly inducing my sober state. The lights glows again, As I take another breath. And have it coursing in my vein. The orange lights glows in the dark Burning ashes, leaving another mark. Green, reds, brown, and light Filling the empty glass tonight. Crystals warp the shades of black. Another drink of strange delight. Drowning in my pleasure Drowning away my pain. Knock another one back again. As I take another shot And have it pounding in my brain. Artificial colors blending in a murk. woke up in the morning with just a few bucks. Slithering bodies, Of cold naked flesh Emotionless motion, rocking Put it in her, and forcefully giving. Thrusting from my selfless passion Thrusting for my selfish crave. And let it die another moment. As I laid motionless And both of us get raped again. Meaningless gesture done in vain Exploring our body, found the mind disdain. "A Second of Thought" YouHaveCausedMeSoMuchTearsFallingLikeRainWhenYouLeftMeInAWorldOfPain&IntheDarkest TimeInMyLifeISometimeWishICouldDieButIDealtWithItAndISurvivedandI'veLearnedToLiveWithout NowICouldNeverDoubtYouHavePlayedMeAllAlongAndJustWhenIStartedToMoveAlongYouTried To GetBackIntoMyLifeAgainButThisTimeIJustWon'tPlayAlongBecauseItWasYouWhoOnceLeadMeOn AndThenYouHaveMyHeartStompedIHaveSwornYouCanNeverHurtMeAgainBecauseOfYouNowICan NoLongerFeelBecauseOfYouNowICanNoLongTrustAndBecauseOfYouICanNowTruelySeeWhatAn EvilGameLoveMustBeWhenAllIWantIsTobeFreeFromYouAndYourMemoriesSoYouWouldStop ManupulatingMeBecauseNowINoLongerFeelForYouAndNowICouldNeverLoveYouLikeIUsedToYo u HadthatChanceAndYouThrewItAwayLikeNothingIAmNotYourToyNorAmIYourSecondChoiceThis Is NotAboutMyDignityThisIsNotAboutMyPrideThisIsMeGivingUpAfterSoManyTriesI'veSeenWhatLove IsAndIAmDisgustedThisIsMeSavingWhatIsLeftAfterYouEnteredMyHeartAndTrushedItThisI sMe AfterYouAreDoneWithMyHeart/LoveNeedsTheIllusionthatWeAreBothWonderfulButAfterTakingA HardLookInTheMirrorIKnowI'mNotBeautifulIDon'tHaveTheTimeToPlayWithYouNoMoreIGotNothing LeftWhatDoYouStillWantForWhatDoYouStillWantIHadGivenYouAllI'mSorryItTurnedOutThisWayI'm InsecureI'mIgnorantI'mBoringI'mStupidI'mInsaneItIsMeIKnowI'llNeverbeHappyBecauseISeeReali tySoClearlyAndIKnowI'llAlwaysBeLonelyAndAngryI'mSorryI'mSorryI'mSorryThatICouldNeverLoveA gain. "An Ode to Lain" Do not Cry Omipotent Girl; for you do exist inside my Mind What's Wonderful Its more then just your eyes. The Wired Angel Watching from the skies. We Love you all Lain. eventhough our world will never be the same. We Love you all Lain. eventhough You are in another Layer. We Love you all Lain. eventhought We will never Remember. You are Beautiful; You are Digital. You are Everywhere So You must be here, standing right in frount of me. For Love will connect us near; then We will have no fear. "Virus" Scanning, Scanning Perceive your thoughs Receive your mind. Error found: Section 03-3875A3:09 Sad thoughts erased. Memory of abondonment Gone. Do Not Hate. QuestionOfSociety.doc Corrected. Dirty.Jpg Deleted. Rebellion.exe Installed programs: Love Your Parents, Love Your Friends, Love Your Life, Love Your Gov't. 'String' Know Why = 0 Happiness to Know your system is Virus Free, That you may use it to talk to people without spreading malicious virus. Peace in Mind To know that Your Life will not compromised by ruthless ideas. To keep our scanner working Please subscribe here. Click, Click. Edited February 22, 2003 by Lord of the Gay
Peredhil Posted February 21, 2003 Report Posted February 21, 2003 Wow! A torrent! It's good to get everything DOWN IN WRITING before you lose it. It's worthwhile to go back and check the spelling when you're done. But the important part is getting is out of you and written down. Sometimes the hardest, and bravest part... Some first impressions: "Saw You" - interesting look into the pain and self-doubts of someone perceiving themselves as rejected. The self-imposed acceptance of inferiority in a way grants absolution to her for the rejection, instead choosing to put it all on himself. Absolution or not, he paints her with his pain. I thought it was effective to carry on the kitten conversation, but then make it clear that the barriers are absolute - no recognition is sought, the street is not crossed. The mind that thinks on enough levels, is self-aware enough, sometimes turns inward and filters everything through it's feelings. The inner conversations make others extraneous and defeat is certain - why prove it with a reality attempt? Even when trying, it becomes half-hearted and the reactions become appropriate to the already played internal reality instead of the external moment. Self-defeat becomes self-fulfilled. Heh, catch me blurring and buzzing - I read a lot into a poem! Dark Mysterious Figure - "You do not know I loved you," What self-condemning words! The anguished cry of the self-judged, not daring to magnify the existent pains of existence by risking the fantasies he builds - but too intelligence to lose himself in the fantasies and always bitterly aware of what is not. Ouch! Really good representation of the complexities and spirals of inner perceptions. Perhaps it's possible to be TOO perceptive and intelligent - but still cursed to feel, to need, to want those things common to nearly every human being. The figure has observed, judged, and condemned himself without ever giving his love object the chance. What terrible defeats a tortured self-image reaps, clearly presented. I could make this guy into an Uberly sympathetic villian in an RPG. The stranger - I feel echos of the Door's song, "when you're a stranger". That song was a hit because so many people feel like an outsider looking in, like a Quasimodo hiding and faking behind the Jester's social masks. Love Sickness. Heh. Even Type-A control freaks are susceptible. Neat how the person can feel the physical symptoms of love, and interpret it as symptoms of an irrestable disease, later drug... Sweet addictive sickness, let me catch you again! Regret - wow. I like this one best so far. Many people have a good memory... but one so EMOTIONALLY good that they relieve the pain fresh as when it occurred... How can healing occur when time doesn't knit wounds, but instead reinflicts them? Sigh I've run out of time at the moment. I'll definitely come back. It's not often I find someone who can expression a perception or experience foreign to me in such a way I relate on the intellectual as well as the intuitive levels. Illuminating and powerful. These could become much more powerful with rewriting and refinement - the effort would be definitely worth it in my opinion. But even as they are, raw, they are moving if a person can let themself be challenged by them. -Peredhil
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 21, 2003 Report Posted February 21, 2003 Lord of the Gay, you have some interesting stuff here and I'm looking forward to reading through your work a bit more carefully. Personally, however, I'd have prefered it if these had been posted separately as one long post of many consecutive pieces is rather difficult to read and my own reading style is to linger with a single piece at a time as opposed to several in rapid succession. Posting them all together also makes it more difficult to provide commentary and reactions on specific pieces. You've obviously put no small amount of effort and care into your work and the products of such care and effort are well worth being made as accessible as possible to your readers.
Vigil StarGazer Posted April 4, 2003 Author Report Posted April 4, 2003 (edited) Untitled as of yet …And the blood and sweat With all that nerve wrecks, The efforts in our toil Is what makes us mighty. The struggle is in both body and mind. Battle royal of strengths and wits, Knowing every decision is life or death. but true determination never falters. To take the chance, brave the world, and accepting failure without question, just to strife closer to victory. Having adrenaline rush into the head, So to fill it with intangible dreams. riding elation to the peak of the world. Yet eternal is the oncoming tide, spoke no chance of survival in the final break of dawn. The glory and gold to the rightful hand So Silent is the world, no blame. Fate has chosen. Watching success taken, amounting to nothing, and then the surprise of having silvers fallen into our hands. Edited April 6, 2003 by Lord of the Gay
Peredhil Posted April 7, 2003 Report Posted April 7, 2003 Oh! I LIKE this one! Indomitable resolute facing the world and spitting in its eye. Yeah! Go LotG!
Vigil StarGazer Posted May 12, 2003 Author Report Posted May 12, 2003 (edited) "Hurt" Interlude, the sweet song of pain Electrons flood the neural vein. Every sin is in my brain. One shriek, Blood from the flesh One scar, Etched into the mind. Welcome to a rest of life asunder. Hurt came from us Devours us. Misery that we feel Becomes our very lust. The most surreal joy spawns the sweetest sorrow. Only the suffering is real, happiness is hollow. The Skeleton man awaits, and we follow. Once dreaming, Shattered Psyche Once again, Anguish serenity. To hurt is to remember. Pain because we are Who we are. Hate because we will Never get that far. Hurt, hurt, hurt. "Mother" (for mother's day) Her hands are warm and rough, From everyday’s dishwasher touch. Her face lined with wrinkles Etched into familiarity. Her shapes are out, For all the months she carried. Her years are gone, Life she gave freely, her very own. And every time when I see your familiar face, The silhouette that peeks into my room at night, The touch of your hand, worn but strong, I’ll remember: Her sacrifice I shall not waste And I thank thee with all my heart, Mother. Edited May 14, 2003 by Lord of the Gay
Vigil StarGazer Posted June 16, 2003 Author Report Posted June 16, 2003 "Heart of the Desert" May it be like a desert still and endless, void emptiness, becoming nothingness. The same sun seems to shines on different worlds. There; it nourishes but here, it scorns. Bitter water had since run dried; the time had past even for the place to shed tears. The moon's unreachable, and stars are like ice. Night here holds no romance; This land is too old, too dry to even love. The sands remember what it wishes to forget, infinite mundane grains. Hiding it like sins, and soaked into its wounds Do not venture by This place holds no life But sucks everything dries. Do not lose yourself In this lost wasteland.
Vigil StarGazer Posted June 28, 2003 Author Report Posted June 28, 2003 (edited) To a little lost girl Take a good look in the Mirror and see what's beyond memories of things that is gone look deep into your eyes pass all the bad memories and see the beauty that's inside the world holds everything you want if only you have hopes in life the courage to face down all your doubts. there is more then emptiness and you shouldn't be afraid. believe in yourself, trust in me. Edited June 28, 2003 by Lord of the Gay
Vigil StarGazer Posted August 25, 2003 Author Report Posted August 25, 2003 (edited) Sherrys are Red, curacao are Blue Glasses of red and white I see savouring flavours, all for me to drown in sweet reverie being semi-conscious I held my senses numbing, so I felt. Looking down a cliff, just right on the edge and standing there, between life and death the dark aromtic pain beckons my mind pounded by the light, weakens Slowly from the hazzle I was torn incoming warmth, I felt reborn and woke up again in the morn Edited August 25, 2003 by Lord of the Gay
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