RE: WW/ Feeling Old

[Cyril Darkcloud]

****** Deconstruction Zone – Critical Hard Hat Required ******

 

Note: I spoke with Gwaihir through PM about looking at this piece through a harder critical lens. That being the case, this analysis might seem harsh in a couple places and I want to say up front that this is simply a product of taking up a critical approach which is going to focus first upon the question of what does not work with a piece of writing and not the result of any ill-feeling toward the author on my part.

 

The poem Gwaihir is working on can be found here.

 

As I plan to follow this initial post up with some additional thoughts, I’m going to simply try and list a number of general concerns here that can then be developed a bit later.

 

1. Genre – The format of the piece suggests to the reader that it is a poem. However, the piece itself does not quite work as a poem. Most of its lines, in fact, could simply be written out as prose sentences without significantly changing the experience of reading them. This suggests that what we have here is, rather, a set of ideas that might become a poem but that have not yet been given that care of expression and form that one expects in a finished piece of poetry.

 

2. Tone – There is a conversational familiarity about the language of the piece. This is not necessarily a problem and the author may well wish to preserve this tone. However, the casual tone coupled with the casual [meaning not fully developed] wording of the ideas simply adds to the impression that one has an unfinished piece of writing. The piece reads as if it simply ‘came off the top of the head’ and that is seldom a good thing for a piece of poetry.

 

3. Statement – This term is chosen simply for lack of a better word. It is not clear what the author is trying to say. The piece makes use of the contrast between childhood and young adulthood. It mentions the swiftness of the passing of time. However, it neither develops the movement from childhood to young adulthood nor does it allow the reader to experience any change in the way time is felt to move. If the poem has a “message” the message itself is not clear. If the intention is to create a mood or awaken feelings in the reader, this has not been done as well. Too much is left in the hands of the reader in terms of deciding upon a meaning of the piece.

 

Conclusions – All of the above are fatal to the characterization of this as a finished piece of poetry. All of the above can also be overcome with a bit of work because they also indicate that the material for a finished poem is indeed present here and that the key question is how one is to move from this beginning to a finished poem.

 

Three things need to be done first:

1. The author needs to have a clear sense of what is to be communicated in and through the piece.

2. The tone of the piece, i.e., nostalgic, concerned, reflective, disillusioned, formal, informal, needs to be chosen.

3. The author then needs to revisit the dominant ideas and images of the piece with a critical eye to their effectiveness and form.

 

Note that any of these three elements may well change in the act of rewriting the piece. For rewriting to be effective, however, some basic clarity on al three elements is important.

 

I'll try and have a follow up post put together over the next couple days.

 

Edited March 6, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud

[Cyril Darkcloud]

A Few Specific Notes:

 

1. Title – The words “Feeling Old” create an expectation in the reader of a sense of ‘lateness and length of life.’ The words of the poem, however, then confront the reader with a young adult. This is a striking contrast, which while it does not work as written, could potentially be quite powerful. For that to happen, however, the poem has to provide an experience of ‘felt age’ that on the one hand is consistent with the expectation created by the title, and on the other, is also credible for a young adult.

 

2. First Stanza – These lines are a great jumping off point for writing, but may not be worth keeping in the final piece. If kept, they should be tightened and sharpened, but it seems that the piece might well begin with the content and feelings of stanza 2.

 

3. Senses – Remember that your reader will not see, hear or feel anything that you do give him to see hear or feel. Place the sights and sounds of childhood before him and let him feel the that mysterious fullness that makes a day seem so long to a child. 8 years of such days would be very long indeed, then.

 

4. Contrast and Transition – What changes to make those 8 years now seem so short? What are the new experiences that have made days such small things that 8 years of them flew by? Doing this would give that very fine concluding line the impact it deserves.

 

Another Possibility:

Similarity or Contrast – Looking back on childhood is one thing, but perhaps the more interesting thing is after doing that to turn around and look ahead to the next 18 years. Is there any of childhood’s lingering wonder left? Does 38 seem as far away as 18 did? Or would that make this a different poem than you are trying to write?

[Gwaihir]

Cyril, you do the most awesome comments, I thank you once again, and I'll see if I can't rewrite this poem, and do them justice

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Gwaihir, the rewritten piece moves quite a bit more effectively than the first draft but there still seem to be a few rough spots in the flow of your words and ideas.

 

A couple observations:

 

Stanza 1

• The first 4 lines contain quite a bit of repetition that amounts to little more than simple restatement. Rather than strengthening the ideas presented this serves to weaken them and creates a sense of redundancy – the words and ideas pick up no power by being restated.

• The contrast between school and Latin lessons at home is a very fine touch that deserves a bit more attention – why does one set of lessons fill time so well while the other does not?

• Does the last line really serve to advance your theme?

 

Stanza 2

• The last 2 lines as written do not work. They read more like off-the-cuff remarks than lines of poetry. The ideas they contain are interesting, however, and you might want to play with restating them.

• A tighter connection to the concluding lines of the poem might be worth pursuing. The stanza speaks much about being busy, for instance, but not about time passing quickly.

 

This is not an easy theme to write well and you’ve done a nice job of laying out a good framework with an interesting contrast. As a reader I keep wanting you to show me rather than simply tell me things. For example what does the stress of writing paper after paper feel like? What does fighting to be oneself look like? What made those Latin lessons fun? How does the reader share the narrator’s experience of the slow passing of time in childhood or the swift passing of time later?